I got very depressed so I called and got through to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal they got all excited and wanted to know if I could drive a truck.
I know this is an old one. But it is a classic!
A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Helpline:
“Hello and welcome to the mental health helpline…
If you are Obsessive compulsive, press 1, repeatedly…
If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you…
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6…
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and want what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call…
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship…
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press…
If you are Manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press…no-one will answer…
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696…
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line…
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names…
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 000…
If you have Bipolar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or After the beep. Please wait for the beep…
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later…
