In recent weeks I’ve gone through a time of profound confusion. My grip on reality has been tenuous at best. I’ve had a struggle with a depersonalizing sense, I seem not to “see” reality as I used to. Everything seems increasingly odd, and disjointed. I see myself outside myself.
I have had bouts with this before. And yet every time the Father has “fathered” me. I have been led through each bout. In many ways, the clinical depression has changed, now it slams. It used to be kind of low grade, a steady and tedious despair. Now its more like a black lightning bolt.
I have had suicidal urges and thinking. I hate handling a kitchen knife, as I get the urge to plunge it into my chest. It’s funny like that, I call out to Jesus and He truly does find me.
This blog initially started off in Sept. 2009 with the idea of broken believers. My hearts desire was to be transparent and very honest. I still want to see this happen. I am no “super saint” with the right answer for everyone. If I made this impression, please forgive me.
I am the broken believer.
Related articles
- Sad Spiral (princessvespa3.com)
- Wrestling with Pythons: Clinical Depression (brokenbelievers.com)
- Psalms On Depression (psalmslife.com)
That depersonilization stuff is scary. One feels like a ghost or a dream where you just keep falling with nothing to hold onto. Im glad that you have so many sources of help. Lord knows we need all of it at different times in our life. Alot of people are praying. You are also helping many by being so open.
Thank you for sharing… thinking of and praying for you.
God is our stronghold
The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.
The LORD ”is” my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, ”and” my high tower
TY Vessel, I cling to verses like these.
ybic, Bryan
So thankful for you, Pastor B. This was on my calendar today:
“And the righteous cry out, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of ALL their troubles.” Psalm 34:17 Praying for you.
Bryan, Were you not such a blessing to other broken believer in your honesty, then the devil would not slam you with doubt and suicidal thoughts. I hope you cling to the truth that it is a small price to pay – much smaller than the price Jesus paid for your salvation and mine – to struggle honestly so that you may point others to the grace of our Lord as your rock. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Peace, Linda
Linda, TY for extending out to me today. I have a meeting with my therapist at 2:00 pm AKST. If in the next 2 or 3 days shoot me a post, that would be swell.
ybic,
Bryan
My stream of consciousness won’t stop so I have to stop it long enough to let you now how much I appreciate your teachings and ability to allow the Holy Spirit to convey the messages He gives you. You are truly a blessing to myself and others and thanks for keeping it real.
God bless you, Bryan. God’s peace to you today, in Jesus’ precious name. Your honesty is a gift.
“Father, continue to protect your dear Bryan, in Jesus’ name.”
Jesus, be with Bryan today. Lift him up out of the mire, Lord. Keep the enemy away from him. Surround him with your angels. Fill him with peace.