Hopelessness swirls me around and I feel like a bug going down a drain. Thoughts of suicide are becoming more concrete and despair is becoming a frequent visitor. Mental illness is frightening. Those who have experienced it, will learn not to say anything, but pray.
It’s the hopeless/helpless, “one-two punch” that is the most devastating to us. Personally, it smashes me and pulverizes me into this pathetic mess I’ve become. Dante had it dead-on when ascribed the gates of hell with the words, “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.” Another writer said something along these lines, “Shut up! Unless you have been lost in this particular section of hell before, just be quiet.”
How is it,
People fear the dark?
Not me, I’m reconciled
as every day I see
the blackness grow,
I’ve come to terms with it,
it knows I know.
–Rod McKuen, Alone
Durability may ultimately prove to be the most significant factor in this “mixed state” of Bipolar Disorder that I personally am wandering through at the moment. Can I outlast these demons that plague me? My irrational mind plays tricks on me, I see mirages of wholeness and peace, but they don’t seem real. It is a big, fat lie. It is nothing but a delusion, or a trick of the brain. And yet, something inside of me, hopes for God’s grace and mercy. I know that Jesus has conquered the dark. I must hold on to Him.
Up and down, side-to-side, where it stops, no one knows? But God…and He isn’t saying.