As we wrestle with our embedded issues, we realize that the battle is in largely inside of us. The last few days have been very hard, and I have a dark presence pressing on me; there is a subsequent reaction in my heart.
As a “born-again” believer who gets deeply challenged by depression, I simply cannot fathom life outside my faith in Jesus. How do unbelievers do it? The Holy Spirit meets me, holds me, and speaks peaceful things to me. I have been promised things of wonder and of grace.
I’ve discovered that self-pity and discouragement are main ingredients into my excursions through bleakness and sadness. In my more profound plummets into the pit, I find myself seeing the physical world around me drained of color. Everything around me is in “black and white.” (I have been told this is one of many symptoms of depression.)
Charlie Brown hits the nail on the head. Often I catch myself smiling, and I immediately stop and say, “Wait. I’m very depressed. I can’t be seen smiling, or talking with a dear friend.” Often we choose to act in ways that reinforces our illness. We think we have to be a certain way, stand in another, or even walk like we think a depressive walks. (After all, we have an image to live up to.)
Depression is very real. Medication is mandated for many. But truthfully, there is this other element of extending this image to others. Our self-pity works hand-in-hand with our image and identity. We have to be somebody, even if we are crazy people.
I know this blog has been a challenge at times. I write these daily blogs out of my attitudes, and issues and problems. But there is a “Charlie Brown Depression,” the type where we feel like we are inconsolable all the time. (Maybe Mr. Brown should be our new patron saint of “lost causes?”)
If while in the pit, and for some reason you think of something that’s funny, go ahead and smile, its okay. I’m learning that things are never as sad or grim as I think, nor are they rosy and joy saturated either. Be real. Be real to yourself. Walk in the truth. And take your meds, lol.