Feb 4 2012

A Crash Course in Depersonalization

Depersonalization is like having amnesia. You don’t know who you are, you’ve “lost” yourself– your identity or your personality. You try to jump-start yourself. You pray, make deals with God, but it doesn’t help. You are stuck.

There is a pervading feeling, like doom. It saturates your thinking, flavoring everything with a sense of finality. It is as difficult as you can imagine, to lose yourself– to become unreal to yourself.

Depersonalization is a symptom of an anxiety disorder and not a stand alone condition. How do we know this? Because depersonalization cannot exist without anxiety BUT anxiety can exist without depersonalization.

Depersonalization is caused by a shift in the part of the brain that provides us with a ‘real’ awareness of our environment; this part of the brain is directly linked to the Amygdala, the organ in the brain responsible for anxiety.

Terms commonly used to describe the symptoms and sensations of Depersonalization:

unreal
disembodied
divorced from oneself
apart from everything
unattached
alone
strange
weird
foreign
unfamiliar
dead
puppet-like
robot-like
acting a part
like a lifeless person
two dimensional
‘cardboard’ figure
made of cotton-wool
having mechanical actions
remote
automated, a robot
a spectator
witnessing ones own actions as if in a film or on a TV program
not doing one’s own thinking
observing the flow of ideas in the mind as independent.

Treatment is to deal with the anxiety, depersonalization, although disturbing in itself, is not harmful. [Although the experts have never had to go through it].

As a Christian believer I reach out for the presence of God in this mental state. Even though it is hard, I reach out in faith on the basis of His word; He will never leave or forsake me, He has forgiven me and not abandoned me. That He understands my thinking from afar off. These truths all strengthen me.

Depersonalization in the ER (psychologytoday.com)
Speaking of Depersonalization and Derealization … (dontcallmesybil.com)
Delusions Understood (Sort Of) (brokenbelievers.com)

Oct 19 2011

Delusions Understood (Sort Of)

When I first watched the "Matrix," I completely flipped out. It explained too much.

by Bryan Lowe

I need to briefly share what delusions are like. I’m going to flip the switch and flood the room with light, and watch the “critters” scuttle to find a hiding place. I’m doing this to help heal myself, and for you to understand this awful state of mind.

First of all–definitions.

Delusion n.
A false belief held despite strong evidence against it; self-deception. Delusions are common in some forms of psychosis. Example. Because of his delusions, the literary character Don Quixote attacks a windmill, thinking it is a giant. (that’s the dictionary for you.)

Delusion de·lu·sion n.
A false belief strongly held in spite of invalidating evidence, especially as a symptom of mental illness.

Typically, my delusions have a common core of pride or self-centered thinking. For instance, I have experienced all of these:

A woman loves me and she is secretly trying to be with me. This is very flattering and egocentric. This one can really mess with your thought-life.
I’m the center of the universe, people really do not exist, except when they come into my life or influence. [This one is a bit metaphysical.]
I have special powers that ‘know” a person’s motives, plans and heart. I am hyper-discerning. The opposite can be true at times, where I become exposed to people, which necessitates me never leaving my room. I feel “naked” and of course, very uncomfortable.
I get paranoid, thinking people are plotting with each other behind my back, working to destroy me. Chat rooms, and Facebook are focal points for me with this one, but not always. With this one I get really verbal, and I start zapping people. I guess because it’s the internet I can do this with impunity.
Clocks are always at the top of the hour, like- 7:00 am. Or they are at the bottom of the hour, like 11:30 pm. I call this “chrono synchronism.” I believe this is evidence that my life is orchestrated, purposeful, and this is evidence I am very significant. This is my latest. And it really isn’t super disruptive.
I can read secret messages in books meant for me. I also line up spaces in what I’m reading to form an unbroken line. I compulsively do this.
The big one is this, I am in my form of “The Truman Show“. The universe is just a set and I am the only living thing out there. Everything is focused on me (of course).
I hear voices sometimes, but mostly a radio or sometimes the “dot-dash-dot” of a telegraph. I think its trying to warn me in some code. It can be persistent. And it can be disruptive.

I guess all of these have things in common. They are self-centered. They are unreasonable. They are compulsive. And meds do work. And the above list? The delusions are only mild-to-moderate issues of delusional paranoia. There are so many Christians and non-Christians who have worse. I once met a man who seriously believed he was Jesus.

As a believer working out his discipleship, I’ve discovered that humility and openness is always the way of keeping one tethered to reality. However, I have a fear that I will break loose and never come out again. I MUST live in “brokenness”. So in a strange way, following Jesus Christ is easier.

Also, I must be open to things that will invalidate my delusion. Even if I’m 99% convinced, that 1% will cause me to consider thinking through a scenario. Truth is your best friend when you are challenging a delusional paranoid. But it has to be gently applied. Life doesn’t have be lived this way.

People have prayed for me, more then I have prayed for myself. Your intercession bridges a gap over this illness. When you pray, you power up the energy cells and get instructions. It may mean wait, or proceed. Every person and situation is different. If I can help, send me a comment.

Humility and the Broken Believer (brokenbelievers.com)
Shedding Self Importance (brokenbelievers.com)
psychosis (alixmacdonald.wordpress.com)

Aug 20 2010

Understanding Depersonalization

Understanding Depersonalization/Derealization

Definition by Mayo Clinic staff

Depersonalization is a sense that things around you aren’t real, or the feeling that you’re observing yourself from outside your body. Feelings of depersonalization can be very disturbing and may feel like you’re losing your grip on reality or living in a dream. A lot of people have a passing experience of depersonalization at some point. But when feelings of depersonalization keep occurring, or never completely go away, it’s considered depersonalization disorder. Depersonalization disorder can be severe and may interfere with relationships, work and other daily activities.

Depersonalization disorder symptoms include:

Continuous or recurring feelings that you’re an outside observer of your thoughts, your body or parts of your body
Numbing of your senses or responses to the world around you
Feeling like a robot or feeling like you’re living in a dream or in a movie
The sensation that you aren’t in control of your actions, including speaking
Awareness that your sense of detachment is only a feeling, and not reality

Other symptoms can include:

The sense that your body, legs or arms appear distorted, enlarged or shrunken
Feeling like you are observing yourself from above, as if you were floating in the air
Feeling emotionally disconnected from people you care about

While episodes of depersonalization may last only a short time, some people with depersonalization disorder have episodes that last hours, days, weeks or even months at a time. In some people these episodes turn into ongoing feelings of depersonalization that may periodically get better or worse.

When to see a doctor

Passing feelings of depersonalization are common, and aren’t necessarily a cause for concern. But ongoing or severe feelings of detachment can be a sign of depersonalization disorder or another physical or mental health condition. See a doctor if you have feelings of depersonalization that: