“The Lord is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.”
I don’t want to pretend anymore. It’s been a little more than six months ago since I prayed this simple prayer: “Lord, may it be the real me who comes to the real you.”
‘Lead me in your truth and teach me,
for you are the God of my salvation;
for you I wait all the day long.’
I have never had a prayer answered so quickly. I moved from delusion and darkness into truth and light in a brief moment. Thirty years of “christian living” had left me a little befuddled, and I was no longer possessed a vibrant faith. What it t seemed was I was worn and tired, and perhaps even disillusioned. I guess I had absorbed a lot of lies. I started to walk carelessly, as if my faith didn’t really matter anymore.
“Lord, may it be the real me who comes to the real you.” This prayer– (more like a heart’s “scream”)– came out of nowhere. As I started to pray I felt a tearing of something inside me, like when the veil was rent in the temple, just like when Jesus died. A desperate cry for truth wrapped itself around my heart. I furiously began to reach for God. I knew I hit something.
I wanted his truth, and no more theology about him. I sought his doctrine well, but not his face. I wanted the real Bryan to come in fellowship with God, and no more masquerades. No more silly pretense. Just the real me, meeting the real God. In a short time things were broken and dislodged within me; years of complacency and cynicism were uprooted. It was kind of like a flash flood in a desert ravine.
Thomas Merton carried this prayer inside him. It should bless:
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that
I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am
actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that, if I do this, You will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for You are ever with me,
and You will never leave me to face my perils alone.
You must find your own; locate your heart’s cry. Vocalize that with the Holy Spirits direction. Merton’s prayer can become an example of an almost brutal honesty, but it has to become from your own heart. David’s prayers in Psalms can fuel your search.
“Where I found truth, there found I my God, who is the truth itself.”
I want to encourage you, but you may have to “shut down the circus.” You must get honest for the truth is waiting, “Lord, may it be the real me who comes to the real you.”
“Teach me your way, O Lord,
that I may walk in your truth;
unite my heart to fear your name.”