Category Archives: loneliness

Feb 10 2012

Loneliness and Depression Are Best Friends

Depression and loneliness walk hand-in-hand.  When one of them pays a visit, the other is ready to join in.  Often when we try to deal with our loneliness we’ll find depression just around the corner waiting. How ironic is this?

Depressed people tend to suffer in silence and isolate themselves from the outside world. When you are depressed, you feel less motivated to go out, make contact, socialize or participate in activities, or doing anything at all. Days, even weeks can go by without wanting to see anyone or talk to anyone and this aggravates feelings of isolation. Often depressed people do not want to talk about their problem or simply feel misunderstood.

Similarly, prolonged and intense feelings of loneliness can lead to depression. Treating the symptoms of depression is likely to resolve the problem of loneliness. If the reasons of loneliness are well understood (this requires some soul-searching and questioning oneself) and if methods of overcoming loneliness are applied, it is very likely that symptoms of depression will become less or disappear.

Beating depression or loneliness does not start with having more friends, or a relationship, although it can help. It really starts from within and is a process that takes time and care. Asking the right questions and doing the right things as part of this process is one of the keys to healing. Humans go through life in patterns by doing the same thing over and over again. Even in different situations, these patterns will be repeated and simply generate the same results.

A pattern is a repeated response to a situation in life or a series of activities that are repeated over and over again. They are formed by what we have learned from the past, what we know now, what we feel comfortable with and what our beliefs and values are. If any of these remain unchanged we become “fixed” in our ways. That’s why many of us have a hard time making lasting changes. The challenge is to break a pattern and gain new, life-changing insights.

It is a good thing to know that Jesus Christ sees and understands.  But its good to have someone with skin on.  Someone you can see and touch.  Thats precisely why we have the Church.  People who believe and touch each other deeply, helping each other up.  Loneliness does not do very well in the true Body of Christ.

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Sep 30 2011

The Corrosiveness of Social Anxiety

Everyone is looking at you

“In any social situation, I felt fear. I would be anxious before I even left the house, and it would escalate as I got closer to a college class, a party, or whatever. I would feel sick in my stomach-it almost felt like I had the flu. My heart would pound, my palms would get sweaty, and I would get this feeling of being removed from myself and from everybody else.”

“When I would walk into a room full of people, I’d turn red and it would feel like everybody’s eyes were on me. I was embarrassed to stand off in a corner by myself, but I couldn’t think of anything to say to anybody. It was humiliating. I felt so clumsy, I couldn’t wait to get out.”

Social phobia, also called social anxiety disorder, is diagnosed when people become overwhelmingly anxious and excessively self-conscious in everyday social situations. People with social phobia have an intense, persistent, and chronic fear of being watched and judged by others and of doing things that will embarrass them. They can worry for days or weeks before a dreaded situation. This fear may become so severe that it interferes with work, school, and other ordinary activities, and can make it hard to make and keep friends.

While many people with social phobia realize that their fears about being with people are excessive or unreasonable, they are unable to overcome them. Even if they manage to confront their fears and be around others, they are usually very anxious beforehand, are intensely uncomfortable throughout the encounter, and worry about how they were judged for hours afterward.

Social phobia can be limited to one situation (such as talking to people, eating or drinking, or writing on a blackboard in front of others) or may be so broad (such as in generalized social phobia) that the person experiences anxiety around almost anyone other than the family.

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Sep 6 2011

The Ultimate Loneliness

 

“I lie awake.
I am like a lonely bird on a housetop.” 

Psalm 102:7, NCV 

 ”The first time I defended myself, no one helped me; everyone left me. May they be forgiven.”  

   2 Timothy 4:16, NCV

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The Bible is very sensitive and aware of the difficulties of loneliness.  Many in its pages, must deal with the sense of being left alone.  It will never be a dunk shot.  We will encounter this awful thing before our day is done.  To be alone, isolated and separated brings us to a ‘solitary confinement‘ of our heart.  That difficult confinement will never be easy.

There can often be an element of appreciation.  Many of us would love time to be alone.  But to be lonely is another matter.  I don’t think we are ready to be truly lonely; perhaps solitude is something desired and craved.  But never its stark and pale cousin of loneliness.

Both David and Paul were lonely.  David looked around and found nobody that he could be with.  He felt like a solitary bird, when all had flown.  Paul knew true abandonment.  Everyone had left him by himself in a very vulnerable spot. The reality is, we need others.  And often, too often, this is withheld from us.

Jesus knew what it was like to be terribly lonely.  “You will leave me alone, but I am never really alone, because the Father is with me”  (John 16.)  I often think He spent all that time in prayer, to somehow connect with His father because of loneliness.  It seems He had a deep need to be understood and accepted by someone.

Loneliness can be redeemed.  It very often can spur us into a deeper awareness of the Spirit.  As a point of bruised weakness, it can (not will) bring us to a sense of His deep love.  It will probably not change the situation, but it can change our hearts.

Loneliness is one of our Lord’s favorite tools in restoring our hard hearts.  It has a wonderful capacity to do things in us, that none of  His other ways would work.  It can be the perfect mechanism for Him to deeply touch us.  And He will not hesitate to use it.

Often there can be a severe loneliness as we move toward Him.  This is an acquired loneliness that comes when we start separating ourselves from the World.  Few or any will understand you, or why you are doing this.  To follow Jesus, is to become like Him.  If He struggled at times with loneliness, so will you.

I have nothing at all to say to those who want to escape this fate.  I can say no ‘magic words’ that will lift you out of this pain.  I do understand, I really do.  All I can tell you is that He is wildly and passionately in love with you.  If everyone forsakes you, and leaves you standing alone in a tight spot, He will be there.

“For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”   Hebrews 13:5

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Sep 1 2011

Psalm 42, The Message for the Frazzled

This particular Psalm is often used by Christian therapists quite often in session.  It strikes a wonderful chord for those afflicted with mental illness and the myriad of issues we all have to deal with.

For me personally, it is a powerful anti-depressant and reading it cleanses me.  I copied this selection from Eugene Peterson’s “The Message.”  I so hope that it releases and refreshes you.  (Read it slowly, and let it work inside.)

Psalm 42

A psalm of the sons of Korah

 1-3 A white-tailed deer drinks from the creek;
I want to drink God,
deep draughts of God.
I’m thirsty for God-alive.
I wonder, “Will I ever make it—
arrive and drink in God’s presence?”
I’m on a diet of tears—
tears for breakfast, tears for supper.
All day long
people knock at my door,
Pestering,
“Where is this God of yours?”

 4 These are the things I go over and over,
emptying out the pockets of my life.
I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd,
right out in front,
Leading them all,
eager to arrive and worship,
Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving—
celebrating, all of us, God’s feast!

 5 Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He’s my God.

 6-8 When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse
everything I know of you,
From Jordan depths to Hermon heights,
including Mount Mizar.
Chaos calls to chaos,
to the tune of whitewater rapids.
Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers
crash and crush me.
Then God promises to love me all day,
sing songs all through the night!
My life is God’s prayer.

 9-10 Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God,
“Why did you let me down?
Why am I walking around in tears,
harassed by enemies?”
They’re out for the kill, these
tormentors with their obscenities,
Taunting day after day,
“Where is this God of yours?”

 11 Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He’s my God.

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Jul 1 2011

The Curse of Social Isolation

Quite a few studies now out, revealing the reality of social isolation.  It seems more and more people are veering away from social contact. A Duke University study found that Americans are choosing to become more solitary than ever. Many are eschewing all relations all together.  This is a problem.

I’ve seen some of the statistics– fully 25% of people have no relationships at all, and 50% have no relationships outside of their spouse and children.  This disturbing trend is building momentum.  In 1985 the figure was just 15%.

I think that a lot of pressure may be coming from the internet, although Facebook and Twitter have reconfigured social connections.  Longer work hours, the iPod and Blackberry, chat rooms and cable TV contribute to the move away from human contact.

The commute time is also a factor.  For every 10 minutes stuck in traffic there is roughly a 10% drop in social relationships.  So if you have a bad commute on I-80 you are more likely not to want to have a friend over.

Hundred years ago our society was far more geared for personal contact.  People would regularly visit each other.  Neighbors knew each other.  There were parlor games and dinners.  Music recitations and skits.  Card parties. Television and radio had not yet grabbed the countries psyche.  Sociologists and anthropologists confirm that our history was deep in contact with each other.  We were not built for solitary living.

With community life disappearing people are turning to online relationships. Our churches are trying to adapt, as even Christians are not connecting like they should.  I have been out in the Alaskan bush villages, and the older generation is frustrated because the younger generation seems to be in trouble.  “They don’t pick berries, or hunt; all they do is sit in front of the TV or their laptops.”

I guess the biggest issue of all is mental illness.  Social isolation is a direct antagonist of depression and other disorders.  In order to get better, people must reach out and connect.  There is no substitute, no other option.

I see the shift in my own life.  I have dropped 80% of my Dish Network.  I am seeking to back off of being online 6-8 hours a day.  I am trying to be around flesh & blood as often as possible.  I am personally trying to consciencely maximize that time.  It keeps me healthier. 

To be healthier, we think its physical.  We have our gym memberships and we run on the treadmill.  That is good.  But I’m thinking we are losing out if we don’t workout socially (and spiritually) as well.

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Sep 9 2010

Elijah Had Issues

The Issues of Elijah

Then Elijah walked for a whole day into the desert. He sat down under a bush and asked to die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he prayed. “Let me die. I am no better than my ancestors.” 1 Kings 19:4

 

Poor Elijah.  He was bold and heroic, taking on the enemy at Mt. Carmel.  A mighty victory was won, but here he is, defeated and enervated by his fear and doubt.  How defeated was he?  We hear him begging to be allowed to die.  He had become overwhelmed.

Elijah was saturated with fear.  He could not resist taking on the conflict.  It seemed to him that everything was now directed at him.  He couldn’t take one step forward.  So, he folded.  Everything was affecting him on a personal level, and he was not built to take the load.

He was shorting out.  His circuits were not designed for this.  He crumbles under the weight.  As we read the text, it all seems to be a bit off.  We shake our heads and wonder about strange Elijah.  We see him incapacitated by his doubt and fear.  But it doesn’t seem to us to be an issue.  After all, he had just achieved a victory that should propel him to the next encounter.

The servants of the Lord are vulnerable.  As we step into the flow we will come face-to-face with things that are beyond us.  Often we will find ourselves pushed beyond our limits, backed in a corner and stripped of our weaponry.  Our enemies now face us without fear of reprisal.

Elijah had been crippled.  He had nothing more to give.  We can shake our head, and pass him by as a casualty of a spiritual war.  The funny thing is that God tells his story, he has been added to the narrative of scripture.  His falterings, and failings are His focus.  Elijah, with all his issues must be faced, and we must look at him.  We see the tenderness and gentleness of God as He deals with His bruised servant.

His Spirit is O so gentle.  He comes whispering.  He lifts Elijah at Elijah’s pace.  A rebuke and a harsh word of correction is not in His vocabulary, it is not even considered.  Our Father deals carefully with a wounded servant.  Elijah would go on to serve Jehovah.  Elijah would be a changed man.  God had mended him.