Nov 1 2011

Lifelong Bipolar

Bipolar disorder is a lifelong condition

Bipolar disorder is a lifelong condition that can impact many important areas of your life. It can affect both how you feel and how you act, as well as the lives of the people closest to you. While most people begin to notice symptoms when they are in their teens or early 20s, bipolar disorder can occur at almost any age, and millions of people worldwide have been diagnosed with the illness. Even though bipolar disorder is a serious condition, with proper treatment, symptoms may be managed.

Bipolar disorder can cause extreme mood swings—from extreme highs, or “manic episodes,” to extreme lows, sometimes known as “depressive episodes” or simply “bipolar depression.” Between episodes, people may have mild symptoms or no obvious symptoms at all. But even when you’re feeling well, you still have bipolar disorder—it’s a lifelong condition. Episodes can last for days, weeks, months, and, rarely, years.

Bipolar depression can be difficult and disruptive

When they are ill or symptomatic, most people with bipolar disorder experience at least 3 times more depressive symptoms than manic or hypomanic (less severe manic) symptoms.

The symptoms of bipolar depression go beyond sad moods and bad days. They may be both physical and emotional and can throw your life off track.

Bipolar depression can be overwhelming

While symptoms of both depression and mania can cause problems for people with bipolar disorder, some research indicates that bipolar depression may have a greater impact for many people.

Depressive episodes of bipolar disorder usually last longer than episodes of mania
When ill or symptomatic, people with bipolar disorder generally spend more time in the depressive phase than they do in the manic or hypomanic phase
The majority of suicides (attempted and completed) among people diagnosed with bipolar disorder occur during the depressive phase, or a mixed phase, of the illness

Bipolar disorder is treatable and manageable

The good news is that people with bipolar disorder are able to manage their symptoms. Feeling better typically involves a combination of education, medication, discussion, and professional consultation. There are many different medicines shown to be effective in people with bipolar disorder. In most cases, psychotherapy (“talk therapy”) is also used. People who struggle with this illness can lead a productive life with the proper treatment plan.

Are People With Bipolar Disorder Dangerous? (everydayhealth.com)
Top 10 Signs of Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression) (everydayhealth.com)
Bipolar Disorder: What Is It? (everydayhealth.com)

Sep 29 2011

English Pigeons, and Other Scintillating Mysteries

In April 2002, I sitting in this cavernous waiting room at King’s Cross in London, England. I was waiting for a bus to Cambridge, UK. I sat all alone, and stared at the tiled floor at my feet. The doctors had warned me not to travel alone, but I had disregarded their restrictions. I was taking several psych meds and felt somewhat stronger than I had in months.

As I sat there, within my field of vision, came several pigeons. They were thriving on bread thrown out to them. Several very large windows were open, and these pigeons seem to have no fear as they took advantage of a meal from bored travellers. I remember their audacity and resourcefulness as they came up just a couple of feet from my chair.

Depression had followed me like an old friend all the way to England. I was completely drained and quite confused. I was crying out to the Lord, very desperately. All of a sudden, a pigeon came across the floor and “presented” himself, right square in front of me. I was amazed that he was crippled, one of his feet was a twisted claw. He had been injured in such a way that he would never be the same. He was damaged, and somehow he survived.

It was like receiving a lightning bolt. I understood for the first time in a long time, the Father’s love and care over me. I saw the pigeon, and I saw myself. It was a tremendous moment of a reassuring grace. In the hustle of people in London, in the midst of my mental illness I knew God’s caring touch. A grace much greater than all my sin and confusion.

I found myself walking the streets of a busy Cambridge. I was all by myself, and I had gotten hopelessly lost. I was terribly manic, and my meds just couldn’t keep the lid on. I was talking out loud to myself, disheveled and throughly confused. I just kept wandering and talking. I desperately needed psychiatric shelter. But I was all alone.

I kept walking past the many universities, and churches. They were very beautiful, but I was lost. I then remembered the damaged pigeon, completely oblivious to self pity. I started to call out to the Father out of my confusion. Within minutes I was in a double decker bus, with the driver aware of my problems who specifically guided me to the place I was staying. I was being cared for.

I have come to realize that this trip to England was not for me to see Big Ben, Parliament or wander the academic centers of Cambridge University. Rather I was brought there to meet a certain pigeon, who was waiting to meet me. He shared things that I need to know. The history and landmarks were nice, but I’ve forgotten much. But all I needed was somehow given.

P.S. Two things:

Don’t travel alone.
Never call pigeons, “rats, with wings.”

Jul 13 2011

Peanut Butter, Hot Lunch and Dreams

Warning: Rambling post, very tedious. Don’t operate heavy equipment for two hours after reading this post.

I grew up in a big, brick house in Northern Wisconsin. Our beautiful home hid our desperate poverty, and it was quite difficult. My father and mother scraped by enough each week to feed and clothe us. But just barely. Mom would take some elbow macaroni, and mix it with stewed tomatoes (from a dwindling supply she tried to manage.)

I was oblivious to our precarious situation. I carried a plain peanut butter sandwich to school for years, but I had a simple dream of getting “hot lunch.” I was tired of peanut butter, as I watched all the other kids eat pizza, hamburgers and (my fav. mashed potatoes with a pat of butter.) I ate PB for several years. You could stucco a house with what I ate.

I wasn’t really settled in my heart or thinking. I developed into a bipolar childhood that had quite a bit of depression, and a load of impulsivity. I was an impossible child, and I was out-of-control. I was either terribly manic or profoundly depressed. My Mom and Dad simply didn’t know or grasp my mental illness and how it was effecting me.

A repeated nightmare worked its claws into my thinking. I would wake up terrified, almost inconsolable. I had this dream several times in my teens, and can still 40 years later taste the panic.

In this dream, I would be lifted up and laid on a slow conveyor belt. I would be on my back, and I would see over my feet a giant roller. This roller had big nobs on it and it was rolling over what the conveyor belt brought to it. In this dream I was paralyzed, unable to escape this giant crushing roller. I kept fighting, and trying to escape. But, I was completely frozen.

I would waken just as my feet met the roller. The fear I had was as intense as any I ever had. (Except when I had to go down to the basement, but that was more reasonable.) I would repeat this dream several times, and it was always the same. I haven’t had this dream for 30 years or more, but it still has a potency and fear to make me edgy.

Over the many years I have thought about this. I certainly don’t want to mysticize it, or try to force an interpretation out of it. But it has struck me as a metaphor of my life to some degree. In this dream I was moving toward an inevitable crushing. The paralyzing panic was a fair description of where I was at spiritually.

This explanation may sound childish and simplistic. But it is so workable, and brings a certain comprehension to these terrible moments of fear. And our dreams, well, they are funny things. All of us, somehow, and in some strange fashion are treated to a surrealistic and fantastical mini-story as we sleep. But what does it mean?

Much of the time, upon awakening, we try to piece together both the chronology and the meaning of what we had just dreamed. It’s hard to do, most of the time it justs slips away. Yet, our inner heart always wonders if that particular dream was “good, bad or ugly.” There are rare times when we can grab on a sequence of events, and relay it to a close friend.

Some things will never be revealed in this lifetime. But I believe there are certain things in our dreams that the Holy Spirit chooses to bring to light. We are never sanctioned to seek the meaning of our dreams, but only the Lord Himself. We should never lean on our understanding, but on our Father and His Word.

P.S. I realize in writing this, I don’t like peanut butter at all.

Jun 8 2011

Tigger Goes to a Therapist

A Therapists Consultation: TIGGER

(Winnie the Pooh’s Irrepressible Friend.)

Diagnosis: Attention deficit hyperactive disorder (ADHD): Tigger’s continual bouncing, hyperactivity and irresponsible attitude cause problems for him and those with whom he lives, as well as those he interacts with in the wider community.

Physical presentation: Rarely sits still. He’s always running, climbing, or fidgeting.

Diet: Having tried – and firmly rejected – honey, haycorns and thistles, Tigger settles on extract of malt as his food of choice. While this particular substance is unlikely to exacerbate his condition, a more balanced diet would almost certainly benefit him and perhaps contribute to an improvement in his behaviour.

Family background: No information is available on Tigger’s life before his arrival at Pooh’s house. Nothing is known of his previous address or his family of origin, although it has been said that he is the only Tigger.

Patient notes: Tigger’s arrival at Pooh’s house in the middle of the night is evidence of his inability to control his impulses. A less disordered individual would have known that it is more appropriate to visit people during the day, especially when dropping in on someone one scarcely knows or has never met. Impulsive behaviour, interrupting and intruding are at the heart of Tigger’s problems. Soon after their first meeting, for example, Tigger suddenly interrupted Pooh, climbed on to the table, wrapped himself in his host’s tablecloth and brought everything crashing to the floor.

When questioned by Pooh about his behaviour, rather than accepting responsibility for his actions, Tigger accused the tablecloth of trying to bite him. Tigger makes bold statements, such as declaring that he is only bouncy before breakfast. He proclaims impulsively that whatever food he is offered is what Tiggers like best, then gulps down large mouthfuls of the food in question, only to find he dislikes it very much.

More evidence of Tigger’s recklessness and poor impulse control is displayed by his belief that he can do anything. He has no sense of fear or responsibility. This was apparent when he climbed up a high tree with Roo on his back before he had ascertained whether he was able to climb a tree in the first place. Inevitably, they then got stuck when he realised he had no idea of how to get down.

On one occasion, Tigger grabbed Roo’s medicine from Kanga, which he proceeded to swallow, almost devouring the spoon as well. Obviously the medicine might have proved dangerous to him. Tigger never learns from his mishaps, bouncing back almost immediately after a frightening and potentially hazardous incident. As a result, Tigger’s behaviour causes concern to those around him.

Living with someone suffering from ADHD can be trying. Perhaps this is why Rabbit suggested the rather extreme measure of taking Tigger into the forest and losing him in the mist. Rabbit and his friends believed the shock of being lost might cause Tigger to calm down a little on his return, a strategy that backfired, however.

Jun 5 2011

How to Relapse, W/O Being a Moron

A Bumpy Road: Dealing with Relapse

There may not ever be a last episode, but there are ways to fend off and mitigate the next one.

By Jodi Helmer

Doctors never talked to Elly L. about RELAPSE.

Although she was hospitalized during a manic episode and diagnosed with bipolar disorder, doctors never mentioned that it could happen again. Instead, Elly was stabilized, handed a prescription for mood stabilizers and discharged. She had no idea that she’d be battling mania and depression for the rest of her life.

“I was told that as long as I took my medications, I’d be okay,” recalls Elly, a mental health coach in Toronto, Ontario.

Elly experienced at least eight relapses between her diagnosis in 1978 and 1991. Each time, she was hospitalized, often placed in restraints and taken to the psychiatric ward in a police car or ambulance. Upon discharge, Elly always promised herself it would be her last hospital admission-but she had no idea how to stave off future relapses.

In bipolar disorder, relapse is defined as the return of depression or a manic or hypomanic episode after a period of wellness. According to a 1999 study published in the American Journal of Psychiatry, 73 percent of those diagnosed with bipolar disorder experienced at least one relapse over a five-year period; of those who relapsed, two-thirds had multiple relapses.

“You can never say that someone with bipolar disorder has had their last episode; relapse is part of the illness,” explains Alan C. Swann, MD, professor and vice chair for research in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at The University of Texas Medical School at Houston and director of research for the University of Texas Harris County Psychiatric Center. “Relapse is self-perpetuating; once it happens, the more likely it is to happen again.”

Searching for Answers

It’s possible to do all of the right things- follow a proper medication regimen, eat well, exercise, minimize stress and get enough sleep-and still experience relapse. Unfortunately, there is no clear understanding of why this happens.

Continue reading →

May 12 2011

The Meat Grinder

I feel like I am going through a meat grinder. Pushed against my will (and desire) I’m finding myself in a place I’d rather not be. My therapist confirmed today that I’m in a “mixed state” where bipolar mania and depression come together. I compare it to two massive ocean currents smashing into each other. (please Google, “mixed state“).

I’ve been into this state for just two weeks and the urge to commit suicide is starting to become surprisingly strong. For my own safety, I’m almost thinking that it maybe time to go to the hospital again. I must tell you that these are places that you really don’t want to go if you don’t have to. (FYI, my particular choice is Alaska Psychiatric Institute in Anchorage. It’s actually a somewhat “nicer” degree of miserable, and they have cooler art.)

I also get paranoid that people are attacking me and are plotting to ruin me. I am quite suspicious of FaceBook and my depression chat. I believe that the people that I encounter there are trying to get at me behind my back. Social networking with these type of services can be a nightmare. But, then there is also the grandiosity. I believe that I think clearer, better, and faster than other people. It’s like I have superpowers. I will think of myself as extremely gifted, superior to others. I paint and write poetry and do “noble” things.

But I also have tremendous anxiety, with racing thoughts, and even heart palpitations esp. when I am sitting trying to relax. I don’t sleep well at all, in spite of the sleeping pill, the Klonopin and the melatonin, and the Benadryl, (to make sure I sleep).

I continue to take my psych meds like a good boy. But they don’t seem to work like they used to. I think they can’t handle this particular concoction of depression/mania. Sometimes, I feel like I’m getting better, but I never seem to get well. The endless cycle of feeling really good and then feeling really bad is a challenging thing. It is difficult to have a stable walk of discipleship under these circumstances. I think being starkly honest and broken over my own fallenness and sin is the key for me. (Now if I can only remember this.)