Category Archives: personal testimony

Jan 31 2012

Mannequin Logic

For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive.

1 Corinthians 15:22

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 

Ephesians 2:4-5

When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins.

Colossians 2:13

Mannequins have always have had a odd effect on me– somewhat similar to clowns (which really make me uneasy.)  I also had a small artist’s mannequin–it was flexible and the theory was you could pose it.  And of course there is the story of Pinocchio, a puppet who became a boy (I wonder if he regarded “toothpicks” as his cousins? LOL)

The Bible uses this imagery to explain exactly what happens when we first believe.  His Spirit works on us, or in us, to bring us back to life.  Talking with any sincere Christian and they’ll describe their repentance/conversion using a remarkable metaphor–resurrection of the dead!  Now that is dramatic.

We the “cast-off” mannequins have suddenly come to life.  We understand things from a revolutionary new way.  Jesus has worked and crafted his new children and brought them to life.  The Holy Spirit has done something so radical that it defies any explanation except through the Word.

Life is so very different now.  I see it through new eyes.  I am no longer seeking to be energized by drugs, alcohol or a selfish lifestyle.  The emptiness of that past life no longer disturbs me.

I still have problems.  There are difficult issues of depression and BP that challenge me.  Somedays I can’t get out of bed and life is hopeless.  Meds help me work through this black mood.  I pray and worship and I am lifted up from my dark pit.  Friends who understand are a blessing.

But this wonderfully radical truth of coming to life is by far-and-away the most awesome thing that has ever happened to me.  I was like that mannequin in the mall, vacant and empty.  Not alive.  But Jesus touched me, and now I live.

“It stands to reason, doesn’t it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he’ll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus, bringing you alive to himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life. With his Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ’s!”

Romans 8:11-12, The Message

Mannequin logic can only be understood when the Holy Spirit moves in!

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Jan 12 2012

Give Us This Day, Our Daily Meds

My particular issue is with Bipolar 1, with psychotic features.  I have social anxiety which factors in as well as weird delusions.  The anxiety and delusions are pretty much one and the same.  They are often the things that will touch other people, while the rest is less obtrusive and can be hidden.

I have a tendency to hatch mini-conspiracies almost daily.  They can be really paranoid as I think the worse about people and life as it enfolds around me.  Facebook with its social networking helps but it has also intensified my issues.  I am very much a recluse, and only get out about twice a week.

Depression, which is part of the Bipolar, has been less of a factor just in the last few months.  Suicide, that dark word, will deepen if the depression goes too long without lifting.  My last bout was over New Year’s and the SI got really bad.  I drew up plans and everything.

Being a believer gives me a reason to live.  The Holy Spirit is so patient with me.  His companionship is far more helpful than any anti-depressant.  He doesn’t require that I become symptom free to fellowship with Him.  Instead, He weaves with the materials He has, and my discipleship is really no different than another Christians.

Overall, in spite of a tumultuous and see-saw life, I find that life with Jesus (discipleship) is truly grand.  He understands me, and is guiding me.  He is the Shepherd who is good, and I am His sheep who needs kindness and forgiveness always. He bruises no reed, nor does He quench the smoking candle (Matthew 12:20).

One more thing.  Having a mental illness has, I believe, made me more compassionate and tender toward others.  When I meet a difficult person, I will be the last one to give up on him.  Others will bail out, but I stick.  I guess this can be a bad trait, but I can’t help it.  I love people, esp. those who hurt.

Here’s a list of my daily meds.  I hope this helps someone navigate the seas of psychiatry safely.

AM- Lithium, 600 mg/Zoloft 200mg/Seroquil 400 mg/Provigil 200mg

NOON-Seroquil 200 mg

PM-Lithium 600 mg/Seroquil 400 mg/Lunesta 3mg

The Lithium works mostly on mania, but does help depressive states.  The Zoloft is an anti-depressant (similar to Paxil)  The Provigil is for alertness, I have had issues with daytime sleepiness, esp. since my brain tumor.  Finally the Lunesta is a sleeping pill.  If I can help explain any of this, please let me know.  I aim to please!

 

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Dec 28 2011

The Fishbowl and Your Pastor

Having been a senior pastor for three years, and in full-time ministry 20+ years, I have had to adjust to the constant surveillance of my life and my families. To be so visible, was wearying and maybe even demeaning at times. I was constantly “center-stage.” It’s funny but these two ingredients– the fishbowl and my Pastor’s love for his/her people combine to create quite the interesting concoction. There is nothing like it. But overall, the fact is we are now quite visible to all.

However there is a special momentum you see when you are a pastor, you have a real sense of things moving , (if they really are.) However your flock will keep you both humbled and elated by their antics. You also will continually fight with the idea of ownership– but you don’t own them, God does! He will make sure you understand this, over and over. The flock is His, you are only a partial excuse, out from His will.

First of all, every pastor is a sinner. They have weaknesses and faults just like church members. This is not to say that they are not to live as an example to the flock (1 Peter 5:3) and are not to have met certain moral qualifications (1 Timothy 3:1-7; Titus 1:5-9). But we must be realistic about their sinful nature. They will continually do battle with the old nature which is still part of their lives, and will do so as long as they live. Pastors can be pretty ignorant at times. It does seem to be that folly is the human condition. They should understand this.

Total victory over sin will not be won in this life. Sanctification will take place; victories will occur; bad habits and sins will be overcome – but there will be many battles to fight until the day of glory… Remember that your pastor and his family constantly live in a fishbowl for all the church to see – and sometimes the sight is not going to be particularly attractive.

They are humans also! The fishbowl life has its own special work in the pastor’s heart. Sometimes I believe His call on us is the deep point He makes in order to save us. It may be true. that those who are called “pastors” are those who are the most desperate, who really need to have this call in order to save us.

Pray for your Pastor, pray for his/her family. This is by far and away the most significant work you could do for them. If they preach well, tell them. They want to know (even if they say they don’t!) Encourage their spouses, they alone have to live with failure and discouragement “behind the scenes”, without an outlet. They do know the real person who is a pastor. And please remember this, they are not your servants, but your friends.

Partial Source: A section from an email from Grace Notes, Curtis C. Thomas
Life in the Body of Christ, Founders Press, 2006, p. 151, 153,
Nov 23 2011

Understanding Bread

I have learned a lot about my Christian walk in the last few years.  Most of it has been gathered from ordinary life experiences.  Like working on a farm, hanging wallpaper, driving too fast in a cornfield (!).  If I set long enough I can list 100 more, each with a lesson or two.

Been thinking about baking bread though.  The flour, and water, and yeast are combined and mixed (kneaded).  It takes some patience and timing.  Experience is really helpful.  My Great-grandma made the best bread in Northern Wisconsin.  (As a little kid, I got a slice of bread soaked in cow’s milk for a tasty snack.)

After I grew up, got married and moved to my cabin in Alaska.  I decided I would show off my bread-making prowess to my young wife.  I floured the table and set myself to making “Grandma’s bread”.  I was going to be the star, hotshot baker!

As I worked the dough something just didn’t feel right.  I surmised that I didn’t have enough flour–it just wouldn’t come together.  I kneaded the dough for quite sometime, while I racked my brain trying to fix the out-of-control mess on the table.  I was getting embarrassed.  It was taking far too long, and the texture was all wrong.

I was getting very irritated at this growing mess. It was then my brave wife graciously pointed out that perhaps it was because I was not using white flour like I thought, but powdered sugar!  See, we had just moved in, and she had been wanting to label the canisters but hadn’t got around to it.

I took the lump outside and buried it in the yard.  It’s been over 20 years but I’ve been told that grass still doesn’t grow there!  The funny thing was I thought I was making bread, but I guess what I really was making was humility. (I keep having to learn this).

When you make bread, you need clean ingredients; pure flour and good water.  If you just came in from the barn you should wash your hands–throughly.  Whatever you mix in, stays in.  (My mom would get a little crazy and throw in raisins or nuts, which I hated.)

You do not sweep the floor and add it to dough, nor do you add chalk or anything that may look like flour.  In the same way, you and I make spiritual bread.  It  takes experience and good and wholesome ingredients.  It takes patience.  You can’t accelerate the process of baking bread.

I hope you can see my point.  We try to mix up a fresh batch of our discipleship everyday. The table is our hearts–it must be clean.  We add the flour and the yeast.  We only use clean water, purity must be maintained.

I’ve been struggling with some things in my discipleship.  I haven’t been too picky about many things.  Purity of heart and mind are areas of compromise.  As a result, I have not been pleased with the outcome.  I am embarrassed by the quality of what I serve up to my guests.

I believe there is nothing as tasty and fresh bread from the oven, served up with homemade jam!  Man, that is good.  Maybe, I’ll make up some bread.

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Nov 20 2011

Depression and Diabetes

For some reason lately I’ve been thinking about the similarities between diabetes and depression. I know that depression can be one of the complications of diabetes, but that is something I learned only when I did a little research about diabetes and isn’t what I want to share about these two diseases.

Caveat: I am not a doctor and this post is not intended as medical advice. It simply an observation that has been on my mind lately and is helpful for me in understanding my own challenges to keep depression at bay.

I do not have diabetes, but I do know people who do. Diabetes is a disease for which there is no “cure,” though there are treatments that can minimize the symptoms and complications that can arise from this disease. Some people with diabetes do a great job of taking such good care of themselves and following their doctor’s orders that they are virtually symptom free. You would never know they had diabetes unless they told you. I’ve known other diabetics who don’t follow doctor’s orders, and the outcome was terrible.

Dealing with diabetes is not an easy road. For people with Type 2 diabetes, a strict diet and exercise are a must, and monitoring blood sugar levels is essential. For people with Type 1 diabetes, insulin injections are also necessary because their bodies do not produce any of this necessary hormone. It is a lifelong affliction, the potential effects of which can be minimized but never forgotten or ignored.

I believe that for some people depression is similar to diabetes in that it is never cured. These people are prone to depression, and may have suffered through one or more episodes of major depression in their lives. From a statistical standpoint, a person who has had more than two major depressive episodes is highly likely to have another in their lifetime. But it isn’t inevitable that they will. Just as the symptoms of diabetes can be prevented or minimized with careful management, so the symptoms of depression can be prevented or minimized with proper care.

There are some people who, like the person with Type 1 diabetes, need medication to help keep them stable and to prevent major depression from setting in. (Though this may be a small percentage, just as Type 1 diabetes is much rarer than Type 2.)  But everyone who struggles with depression can help prevent or minimize the effects of a relapse by taking steps to truly care of themselves. Diet and exercise can be part of this self-care, but for the person who lives with the knowledge of depression there is a mental and spiritual component of their self-care that goes beyond what is required of the diabetic.

Many years ago the doctor I was seeing told me I would be on antidepressants for the rest of my life. Having now been off them for 13 years and not suffered another major depressive episode in all that time, I think I can safely say she was wrong. But in the last few years I have come to understand that I am one of those people who cannot take for granted that depression is strictly a part of my past. It is forever a part of who I am and I must never forget the misery it has caused me and could cause me again if I do not take care of my mental and spiritual health.

For me, warding off a relapse of depression requires that I choose to engage in regular prayer time; to listen to music that is encouraging and uplifting, and avoid music that is depressing; to talk to a Christian friend if something is bothering me; to take a periodic inventory of my own actions and attitudes, and correct any that are negative; and to trust in the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts, putting on the whole armor of God. When I do these things, I can live in such a way that others would never know that depression is a part of my life. But if I neglect these things for too long, I will soon detect the specter of depression looming in my heart and in my mind, and the outcome will be terrible.

Just as the diabetic can never forget that they have diabetes and neglect their diet and health regimen, I can never forget that depression is ever a part of me and neglect my mental and spiritual regimen. I must be ever vigilant and cling to Jesus as my Rock, trusting in His promises, and following His commands and precepts to love, forgive, and be content.

Sep 29 2011

English Pigeons, and Other Scintillating Mysteries

In April 2002, I sitting in this cavernous waiting room at King’s Cross in London, England.  I was waiting for a bus to Cambridge, UK.  I sat all alone, and stared at the tiled floor at my feet.  The doctors had warned me not to travel alone, but I had disregarded their restrictions.  I was taking several psych meds and felt somewhat stronger than I had in months.

 As I sat there, within my field of vision, came several pigeons.  They were thriving on bread thrown out to them.  Several very large windows were open, and these pigeons seem to have no fear as they took advantage of a meal from bored travellers.  I remember their audacity and resourcefulness as they came up just a couple of feet  from my chair.

Depression had followed me like an old friend all the way to England. I was completely drained and quite confused.  I was crying out to the Lord, very desperately.  All of a sudden, a pigeon came across the floor and “presented” himself, right square in front of me.  I was amazed that he was crippled, one of his feet was a twisted claw.  He had been injured in such a way that he would never be the same.  He was damaged, and somehow he survived.

It was like receiving a lightning bolt.  I understood for the first time in a long time, the Father’s love and care over me.  I saw the pigeon, and I saw myself.  It was a tremendous moment of a reassuring grace.  In the hustle of people in London, in the midst of my mental illness I knew God’s caring touch.  A grace much greater than all my sin and confusion. 

I found myself walking the streets of a busy Cambridge.  I was all by myself, and I had gotten hopelessly lost.  I was terribly manic, and my meds just couldn’t keep the lid on.  I was talking out loud to myself, disheveled and throughly confused.  I just kept wandering and talking.  I desperately needed psychiatric shelter.  But I was all alone.

I kept walking past the many universities, and churches.  They were very beautiful, but I was lost.  I then remembered the damaged pigeon, completely oblivious to self pity. I started to call out to the Father out of my confusion.  Within minutes I was in a double decker bus, with the driver aware of my problems who specifically guided me to the place I was staying.  I was being cared for.

I have come to realize that this trip to England was not for me to see Big Ben, Parliament or wander the academic centers of Cambridge University.  Rather I was brought there to meet a certain pigeon, who was waiting to meet me.  He shared things that I need to know.  The history and landmarks were nice, but I’ve forgotten much.  But all I needed was somehow given.

P.S.  Two things:

  1. Don’t travel alone.
  2. Never call pigeons, “rats, with wings.”