Category Archives: sin

Feb 7 2012

Broken Prayers From the Edge

I lock the doors.  Close the curtains.  And let God have it.

I clinch my fists in a maddening rage as my hands tremble violently.  Within moments, my fingers ache from the intense, white-knuckle tightness.  And my forearms cramp up.  The blood rushes to my head.  And my eyes burn and burn and burn from the tears.

I speak, then shout — and scream.

My voice becomes raspy as I rant.  And soon, my throat burns.  My heart is aflame with grief and rage, so much so that my ears can no longer understand the words coming out of my mouth.  Before it’s over, I will blow my nose several times and wipe my eyes often and much.

I am broken — and I am praying.

I start with the loss of my friend, JD, a man taken far, far too soon.  A man who left behind a wife and two children.  I tell God that I do not think it is fair for his children to grow up without a father.  And then, I ask God why He didn’t take me instead, that I want to be with my children, that I don’t have any here for me.

“All I do is suffer and I am sick to death of it!!!”

And then, I rant about all the believers — never the broken — who paint a picture of life with Christ as a portrait of perfection.  Their grandiose testimonies have made me feel like God has something against me, like grace is a joke for people like me because my life has been so hard.  My brokenness is not the result of one trial, nor one tragedy — but a lifetime of unbearable loss.

“And it just keeps happening!!!”

I rattle off the names of those I’ve lost in just the past five years:  Jerry, Britany, Virginia, Rob, Terry, Nancy, Leroy, Art, Kim, Greg, Melody – and now JD.  I tell God that I am the anti-Midas.  Everything King Midas touched turned to gold, but I feel like everything I touch turns to dirt.  I am cursed.  “God has raised His fist against me.”

“How am I supposed to go on?  How?”

And then, in that moment, all of my rage and all of my grief and all that I am burns and burns and burns for The Almighty.  I am a man of faith — and, even in the midst of this monstrous mess my life has become, I know that He could end every ounce of this despair with a simple whisper.  A sign.  A something.  Anything.

“If You would just speak, this madness would end!”

With the last tissue, I tell God that I am convinced He wants me to suffer — alone, in this maddening agony.  I tell Him that I have given up on Him, that I cannot take any of this any more.  That I am broken.  And my heart is dead.  My pain is too great, my anguish too deep.  And that I will never serve God again for as long as I live.

“I can’t do it!  I can’t do it!  I just can’t do it!”

Three days later, God spoke to me through a dream.

“In my dream, I had a vision…”

To learn more, read ”Safe in the Mouth of Danger.”

 

Love,

The NorEaster

Related articles
Dec 22 2011

The Light Side, the Dark and Amazing Grace

“To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God’s grace means.”

― Brennan Manning

Perhaps there are a few things we need to more fully grasp.  There is a real and definite, “life of grace.” And it’s more than a polished “niceness” or even an agreeable congeniality.  It is Grace, and when you do connect with it, it’s like touching a bare wire. The first time, don’t be surprised if it throws across the room figuratively speaking.

There is a special perception of grace.  We must locate it and then live off its fatness. One of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott wrote,

“I do not understand the mystery of grace –” only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us.”

After just several sentences of writing this post, I simply come to this same place.  I know precisely what grace is, but I can’t tell you. I would like to, very very much. It simply is beyond a definition, and yet, I can tell you it is real. When you reach out and grab it, you suddenly realize that you have been “taken apart,” and then reassembled in a changed way.

Manning talks about “acknowledging my whole life story.” There are very dark times, times when we actively promoted and revelled in our personal evil. I can tell you of many things in my own behavior that would curl your hair and demand justice.

But the ‘light-part’ needs to be recognized.  It does exist. But unquestionably I have done much more evil than good. On my knees recently, I’ve realized I have committed more sin as a believer, than I ever did in my darkness, before Christ. I was completely overwhelmed.

As I get familiar with my evil, it really “schools me”. It drops me into God’s classroom of grace. He tutors me, over and over. I learn of mercy, and grace, love and kindness. All which can only be decrypted by one simple word, “undeserved.” If you know that single word, heaven itself will open up like a golden sardine can.

The impetus of Christmas, and this wonderous incarnation, and this astonishing nativity is worth the focus we give it.  But all of it pivots on grace.  Grace was the total reason it all happened like it did.

“For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you by his poverty might become rich.”

“You are familiar with the generosity of our Master, Jesus Christ. Rich as he was, he gave it all away for us—in one stroke he became poor and we became rich.” 

[2 Corinthians 8:9, top ESV/ bottom MSG]

Sometimes we need a dramatic change in our perception of the truth. What I mean is this. When we accept Jesus as our Savior, we seem to naturally drawn to hard things. We are curious about the Second Coming, the Trinity, the doctrine of healing/tongues, the proper formula to speak at baptism, women in ministry, and the like.

But perhaps what we really should do is think about forgiveness, kindness, servanthood, and faith and evangelism.  We will often make small things big, and big things small.  We really should understand the density of things spiritual. We then can submit to their focused work more fully. If you are going to take a Geometry test tomorrow, it isn’t wise to take on English lit.  There is just an intelligence and a wisdom in it.

Grace is one of those challenging things for us, quite “Amazing”. It has such beauty and perfection, that men could never dream it up. It’s like an ocean where a child can splash, and yet it’s depths are still unfathomed and unexplored.

Related articles
Dec 10 2011

Cleansing the Wounds

“The human heart is the most deceitful of all things,
      and desperately wicked.
      Who really knows how bad it is?”

Jeremiah 17:9, NLT

We are the wounded. What exactly has caused it isn’t always known.  A death, divorce, depression and disability.  Some of us are chronically ill, others are mentally ill.  We struggle to hold a job, and to go to church. There are some who are reading this who are controlled by addictions.  And a few of us consider suicide on pretty much a regular basis.

We’ve been hospitalized and stigmatized, and at times we endure powerful attacks of fear and anxiety.  We are not easily understood, and we hear the whispers.  Our paranoia can often saturate what what we are thinking, (I think its more like a marinade.  Our brains just soak it up.)  Most of us are ‘walking wounded.’ We limp physically and figuratively.

“For thus says the LORD: Your hurt is incurable,
    and your wound is grievous.”

Jeremiah 30:12, ESV

If we are honest (and God insists on a rigorous honesty) we realize that we are a  mess!  The prophet Jeremiah had a tremendous understanding of the human condition, and was never beguiled by the lie of goodness and health.  We are diseased down to the core, a rotten apple.

We continue in our favorite style of darkness.  And havoc rips through us and we become “disaster areas.”  How very sad, and profoundly tragic.

But you must understand this powerful fact.  Jesus Christ has been sent by the Father to save and cleanse all who come to Him.

“At that time a fountain will be open for David’s descendants and for the people of Jerusalem to cleanse them of their sin and uncleanness.”

Zechariah 13:1, NCV

It’s time for a bath, and what God has done provides us the exact remedy. Some of us carry staggering burdens.  I must be truthful. Our afflictions may continue to disturb us.  If you are bipolar or depressed, it just could be you’ll remain so.  But I know first-hand that our Father will give us an extra ration of grace.

In the Old Testament, family patriarchs could give an additional portion to a son he especially loved.  All were blessed, but some more so. That peculiar proclivity of our Father is why some of us with deep wounds can follow closer.

“for I am the LORD, your healer.” Ex. 15:26

“The treatment a wound gets decides whether time will bring healing or  bondage.”

Related articles
Nov 29 2011

Praying Authentically

Sometimes I think they may be right, we seldom venture into the lands of reality. Prayer often can be just a nice religious duty, that makes us feel warm and fuzzy. But the spiritual climate does not suit a comfortable sojourn.

We artistically and theologically play on the periphery and cleverly deceive others and ourselves.  But Jesus insists on us becoming real. You might say that “real” is the prayer that touches his heart.  When you talk with Jesus, do you really talk to Him? Do you have a real awareness that you are really talking with Him?

The following is an excerpt from A Diary of Private Prayer, by John Baillie:

Eternal Father of my soul, let my first thought today be of You, let my first impulse be to worship You, let my first speech be Your name, let my first action be to kneel before You in prayer.

For Your perfect wisdom and perfect goodness:

For the love with which You love mankind:

For the love with which You love me:

For the great and mysterious opportunity of my life:

For the indwelling of your Spirit in my heart:

For the sevenfold gifts of your Spirit:

I praise and worship You, O Lord.

Yet let me not, when this morning prayer is said, think my worship ended and spend the day in forgetfulness of You. Rather from these moments of quietness let light go forth, and joy, and power, that will remain with me through all the hours of the day;

Keeping me chaste in thought:

Keeping me temperate and truthful in speech:

Keeping me faithful and diligent in my work:

Keeping me humble in my estimation of myself:

Keeping me honorable and generous in my dealings with others:

Keeping me loyal to every hallowed memory of the past:

Keeping me mindful of my eternal destiny as a child of Yours.

Through Jesus Christ my Lord, Amen.

(Taken from Richard Foster’s Devotional Classics, pp. 126-127.)

Related articles
Nov 25 2011

Dipped in Shame

“All day long my disgrace is before me, and shame has covered my face.” Psalm 44:15

Some of us truly understand shame. It’s like we have been dipped in it, we have wallowed in it and things are sticking to us. We live out our lives in disgrace and in the sense of nasty embarrassment which we can’t truly resolve. And it affects all that we do, even in those rare moments we are not aware of it.

I honestly wish I was “teflon.” I would love to have a ‘non-stick’ heart. There is however, a constant sense of being totally insufficient as a person. It is a very deep awareness of being defective and unworthy. Many of us feel this way all the time. It is welded to us, and we keep trying to figure how to break that dark bond that’s on our hearts and minds.

Mental illness lives on that blackness. Depression feeds on that stuff, it seems to cycle through us. Our pasts become its nourishment, and at certain times it flourishes. Sometimes it explodes in our minds, just like when you give your roses a dose of “Miracle Grow” (but in a bad way.)

I read recently, that chemists are trying very hard to develop a drug that would erase bad memories. The thinking is that people suffering from PTSD will find freedom from very ugly events. Many of us, at certain points in our lives, truly absorb the evil. Some of us end up in prison, others are addicted, and a few go ahead and commit suicide. Shame when its at its best can completely incapacitate and destroy a person.

Most end up with a mental illness, and because we are so complex, it is difficult to view it as a simple ’cause and effect.’ It really is much more complicated than that. Mental illness has many layers. But if we look at our issues from a different view point we can see things we might never see.

Shame is a monster that is constantly tracking us. At times we can put some distance between us. But occasionally it leaps up on our backs and drags us down. We are humiliated with our guilt. That is precisely when we should scream out for help.

There are pastors and psychiatrists, therapists and friends who are most helpful. Practicing prayer and soaking in worship can drive the monster away. Meds can very often provide a respite. All of these have helped me. But in all of this, we must be patient.

We are dealing with guilt, and there are spiritual issues that trump everything else. Human beings were never created to bear guilt, we don’t know what to do. Shame is vigorously parasitical and consuming. If it runs amok through your life it can and will destroy you.

“You know my reproach, and my shame and my dishonor; my foes are all known to you.” Psalm 69:19

“…in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” Col. 1:14

“To the Lord our God belong mercy and forgiveness, for we have rebelled against him.” Daniel 9:9

God has made an incredible provision for your guilt. Your sin, though it is crimson red in its intensity and very obvious, it can become as white as snow. Your shame and guilt can be erased.

“Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.” Isa. 54:4

It was Mark Twain, who once said, “Man is the only animal that blushes, and the only animal that needs to.”  We are ashamed, are we not, of things we’ve done in the past? Nobody is free who is unforgiven. Instead of being able to look God in the face or to look one another in the face, we want to run away and hide when our conscience troubles us.

 

Related articles
Nov 18 2011

Our Hearts Plead for Good Pastors

Within issues of vulnerability, there are usually great problems.  These are tender areas:  Alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illnesses, homosexuality, sex addiction, porn and chronic depression are all substantial issues of  pain and conflict.

Strugglers are very often intimidated by leadership in the Church.  It seems all we can see is a position of authority, and we are fearful.  Typically, in our fellowships, our pastors and elders are men.  And that alone can sometimes create issues in hearts looking for tenderness.  Rather than opening our brokenness up to our shepherds, we fabricate for ourselves the illusion of sufficiency and invulnerability.

We are afraid, and our pain still resides in our hearts.  (We were never designed to carry this.)   As strugglers with great pain and confusion, we stamp ourselves as hopeless and completely defeated.  Some secretly believe that they have committed the unpardonable sin. But this is a lie, as God forgives every sin.  They’ve heard they are going to hell no matter what they do, so they are permanently separated from God. They need to know this is a lie, because when we confess our sins, the blood of Jesus covers them ALL and cleanses us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).

Many of us who struggle have a ugly and a malformed sense of our leaders in the Church.  We get the “heebie-jeebies” whenever we contact them.  There is typically a sense of avoidance of those who try to pastor us.  As a result our flaws and our weaknesses will only grow.

Cellulitis is bacterial infection of  the skin and underlying tissue.  While I was in the Army, I developed this inflammation in my right forearm.  It started as a very small spot.  My arm quickly ballooned up, and within days I couldn’t bend my arm.  The infection just continued to grow and spread.  But I refused to see a physician.  When I finally did, they had to drain my arm and he put me on heavy-duty antibiotics and bedrest.

Often we try to live a life separated from outside intervention.  We avoid people who could really help us.  But we are sick, and need a pastor or elder to work through these things.  But they intimidate us, and we expect to be rebuked and reprehended.  Certainly that there is often a need for scriptural direction, but always in love and even tears.

 A Note to Pastors and Leaders:

There is almost always a definite frailty that is common in the hearts of us strugglers.  We have fought for our spirituality, sanity, and our sexuality. We have very few relationships, and the ones we do have are seldom healthy.  We are intimidated by authority and afraid of any kind of transparency.  We live in a enormous pile of shame and guilt.

We need “good shepherds” that can be deliberately gentle and tender.  Pastors and elders must reflect the astonishing grace of God.  We need His deep love, and you must show us what that’s like.  Please show us.  Verbalize it.  We need to know that we have been forgiven, over and over.

You may not really know this, but some in your flock have broken walls.  Our boundaries are down; they are crumbled, and we are in peril.  We need you to help us, and share His love and acceptance and yours as well.  We need to be immersed in the atmosphere of spiritual kindness and forgiveness.

We are not like the “norms” in your congregations.  It is highly unlikely we will completely healed. Many of us are gifted by the Holy Spirit, but we are flawed and we struggle a lot.  But consider this; perhaps you need us as much as we need you.

Related articles