Things can get pretty grim just living life. But add a disability, and suddenly blam! It gets worse. A mental illness intensifies life, and the weird concoction of symptoms and hospitals, therapists and medications and family/friends is a bit daunting for anyone. Imagine, that it’s a bit like running through the wilderness slathered in ‘bacon grease,’ trying to stay ahead from the bears (I’m writing this from Alaska, hence the bear imagery, lol.)
My walk with Jesus has extreme variations (at least, on my part.) I’m up, and then I’m down. I’m on fire and then I’m cold. I struggle to attempt at least a modicum of consistency, wishing I could just put two ‘good days’ together. I am ashamed by this volatility. The apostle Peter, or David are probably the only guys in scripture I can really understand.
The impulsivity of my mental illness has driven me to turn my credit cards over to Lynn. I try to avoid liquor stores, porn sites, and urges to strip off my clothes and run down Pioneer Avenue. I definitely try to go to Church, read the Bible and pray. But I have been known to hallucinate, I hear things, and get awfully paranoid. I’m always, it seems just one step ahead of my psychiatrist in avoiding the hospital. (And I want to keep it that way.) And suicidality is an almost real monster– always lurking for me under my bed.
But I have also learned many other things from being a mentally ill believer:
- When its really dark, His love always comes through. He understands me. He intentionally ‘looks’ for me. He’ll never quit on me.
- My discipleship is not about the externals of my theology, but it’s about romance from my heart.
- In my pathetic brokenness, He is my strength and my shield. Always.
- Worship and prayer are more like invasive “medical procedures” that keep me alive.
- Love. I’m learning to be kinder and more aware of others then ever before.
- I want to live in the Light and respond to others in Christlike way. Never out of my fallen sinfulness.
I suppose I could add more, if I thought about it. Ultimately, it all comes down to the presence of Jesus Christ coming to meet me, to forgive me and to change me. This simple blog is saturated with posts that other Brokenbelievers can wade through, and some just might help, lol.
The title of this post alludes to a quote I found. I’ve gently modified it. Not sure where I found it. But it gives the explanation for all that I’ve said:
“Life should NOT be a journey to heaven with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,
with bruises and band-aids, and some tears as well, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming…
“WOO HOO what a ride!”