“All day long my disgrace is before me, and shame has covered my face.” Psalm 44:15
Some of us truly understand shame. It’s like we have been dipped in it, wallowed in it and things are sticking to us. I honestly wish I had a “teflon coating.” I would like to have a ‘non-stick’ heart.
Instead there is a constant sense of being totally insufficient as a person. It is a deep awareness of being defective and unworthy. Many of us feel this way all the time. It is welded to us, and we keep trying to figure how to break that dark bond that’s on our hearts and minds. We live out our lives in disgrace and in some nasty embarrassment which we can’t truly resolve. And it affects all that we do, even in those rare moments we are not aware of it.
Mental illness lives on that blackness. Depression feeds on that stuff, it seems to cycle through us. Our pasts become its nourishment, and at certain times it flourishes. Sometimes it explodes in our minds, just like when you give your roses a dose of “Miracle Grow” (but in a bad way.)
I read recently, that chemists are trying very hard to develop a drug that would erase bad memories. The thinking is that people suffering from PTSD will find freedom from very ugly events. Many of us, at certain points in our lives, truly absorb evil. Some of us end up in prison, others are addicted, and a few go ahead and commit suicide. Shame when its at its best can completely incapacitate a person.
Our shame is like a monster that is constantly tracking us. At times we can put some distance between us. But occasionally it leaps up on our backs and drags us down. We are humiliated with our guilt. That is precisely when we should scream out for help.
Most end up with a mental illness, and because we are so complex, it is difficult to view it as a simple ’cause and effect.’ It really is much more complicated than that. Mental illness has many layers. But if we look at our issues from a different view point we can see things we might never see. Very often our need for secrecy and hiddenness prevents our healing.
There are pastors and psychiatrists, therapists and friends who can be most helpful. Practicing prayer and soaking in worship can drive the monster away. Meds can very often provide a respite. Sometimes you just might need hospitalization. All of these have helped me. But in all of this, we must be really patient with ourselves.
We are dealing with personal guilt, and there are spiritual issues that trump everything else. Human beings were never created to bear guilt, we don’t know what to do. Shame is vigorously parasitical. If it runs amok through your life it can and it will destroy you and the relationships that you want more than anything else. It has that power.
“You know my reproach, and my shame and my dishonor; my foes are all known to you.” Psalm 69:19
God has made an incredible provision for your guilt. Your sin, though it is crimson red in its intensity and visibility, it can become as white as snow. Your shame and guilt can be erased.
“…in [Him] whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” Col. 1:14
“To the Lord our God belong mercy and forgiveness, for we have rebelled against him.” Daniel 9:9
It was Mark Twain, who once said, “Man is the only animal that blushes, and the only animal that needs to.” We are ashamed, are we not, of things we’ve done in the past? Nobody is free who is unforgiven. Instead of being able to look God in the face or to look one another in the face, we want to run away and hide.
One last thought–
“Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.” Isa. 54:4
I wait for the day when my disgrace and my shame are completely eradicated, once and for all. On that day I will walk in white.
Related articles
- Stigma, Mental Illness and Shame (psychcentral.com)
- Bad Memories (brokenbelievers.com)
I had a much longer post, but I chose not to post it because it was so revealing. I can’t remember who can see these posts. I don’t want to be exposed on Facebook LOL.
Thanks for your clear description of shame. My post was about shame that I have felt since I was a small child: Called rude; sassy; ignorant; dummy. In my unsent post, I said the memories of embarrassing things I have done and said pop up in my mind instantly whenever something reminds me, and it is complete with a “photograph of me and a replay of the emotion.” I wondered why, if other memories fade, these do not.
When people who post here say they feel shame, do they mean they feel shame for their behavior or feel shame for their mental illness? I can forgive myself for having ADD or something like it, but the fact that people reject me is shameful. I can understand the people who make bad decisions and waste their lives because I think it is only the Grace of God that has lifted me up, kept me alive and put me in a relatively safe place, helped me to improve myself.
Still, I am not socially fit. I can’t be given higher responsibility. I seem to embarrass my children and siblings. That is what I am ashamed of. And the truth that I believed would set me free has trapped me–because the truth is that I am not up to standard.
I can’t understand what God wants me to do–how I can help. I can’t believe he wants me to carry around this shame as though I were the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I believe it is He who decides if I live, but I can’t imagine Him wanting me to live in shame and isolation. I’m thinking maybe I should look elsewhere besides the successful middle class people I associate with. I can never measure up to them; they treat me with Christian kindness and love. Outside of our Bible fellowship, I don’t associate with them. I’d like to be patient and soft-spoken like them–even cheerful like them.
I have a therapist. I take meds. I keep on trying. I just get discouraged when someone in my family gets mad at me. Today, someone did. Thanks for being here and thanks to God for sending you.
My wife is furious at me. My psychiatrist doesn’t want to see me, and my therapist is too nice. My own pastor doesn’t want to get involved.
I am both ashamed of past sins and to a much lessor degree my mental illness. There are many things that I have done. My extended family calls the police when I venture to my home state. I’ve lived in Alaska for over 20 years now, more or less in exile (a man without a country, I guess).
But I still “hope”. I trust the Father’s promises I read in the Word. And I am always on the edge of being hospitalized again, or so it seems.
I do know that this blog is a blessing for many. I also know it is helping me considerably. I’m glad to know of the HS dynamic inside. That thrills me.
I do agree that this blog is a blessing for many. Just hoping I could make sense out of the way I think and feel. Seems a Christian shouldn’t be making other people mad so often. Maybe I should move away from the people who get so mad, and maybe there is someone somewhere who wouldn’t always expect ‘normal’ behavior. I hope asking questions and reading blog comments will lead to an understanding that it’s OK to be me.
The stress of constantly trying to figure out how to behave rightly (how ridiculous is that?) is giving me high blood pressure, fatigue, and the desire to stop the world and get off the crazy ride. Figuring THAT out is even more distressing, I see LOL.
You are very kind to share your experiences and thoughts. How many would do that? I guess that’s why I ask; I’m hoping God will show us a way. I come to BB often.
God bless us all
Bryan, I love this article! I am involved in Celebrate Recovery (are u familiar with this?) & I’d like to share yr website with some of my peeps there. ‘Zat OK?
Thanks for writing!
Ashley
Of course dear Ashley. I’m not aware of “Celebrate Recovery,” (but I think I would like to be.) If you are feeling that this post would bless, go for it. As Capt. Picard would say, “Make it so.” lol.
Blessings, rich and true, on you this Christmas.
ybic, Bryan
Thanks for the very well written description of shame. We all have to deal with it in a broken world. Sometimes we made mistakes, sometimes we are dunked in it for no good reason.
What I find amazing about this site are the art(images, photos etc.) that is posted, I wonder if someone can give me the source or tell me the artist who created them.
Lucia
I am ecstatic that you’ve been blessed. I choose the art carefully, “key word” into Google images. I then scan hundreds before I decide. Perhaps I’m a bit loose on the copyright assignments, I rarely seek them. But I know not to take something that has been personally created. But I also know that since BB (or me) has never, ever accepted a dime, we’re non-profit, and only disperse the posts on such a limited basis, things will work out. In two years, I have only been asked once (about 930 posts) to remove an artwork due to copyright issues. (And even then, the artist was quite apologetic.)
Perhaps I am rationalizing, but I go with my gut feelings. I’m just small potatoes in any infringement issues. Essentially if a post comes more “readable.” I will choose that. I’m certain I’m not malicious or brazen about this, only careful and aware.
I don’t methodically or meticulously keep track of sources, that isn’t really possible for me. Life, in itself stresses me, and I do have some psychiatric issues that at times completely unfolds me. I’m pretty much O.K. with this though, and I try to follow my heart in this all.
To say this, frankly and openly, their is nothing at all in me that would ever take advantage of an artist or photographer. If anything I feel I’m giving then a small visibility (maybe 100 posts). I suppose that if this would double in the future, I would become more careful and aware.
As you can tell, I liked your inquiry. It helped think through the very idea of these potential issues. If I unloaded on you, I’m sorry. My heart’s only desire is to please my heavenly Father.
ybic,
Bryan
I re-read your post. I will try harder to attribute “ownership” if I can. Thanks for making me aware to this.
Thank you for this article, it is right where I am at right now. I have never heard anyone put things in perspective quite like this… thanks.