Hello and Welcome!
My name is Bryan Lowe, and I try my best to guide this blog, BrokenBelievers.com. I’m also a Christian pastor and Bible teacher who struggles with a ripping case of Bipolar Disorder I, and a galloping dose of Hepatitis C (which I contracted using IV drugs back in the 70′s.) I’ve had a series of catastrophic health issues in just a five year period. Life has been very difficult.
I have a burden for a blog that will concern itself with the challenges of mentally ill Christian believers, as well as key issues such as brokenness and humility. These seem to be critical issues, but for the most part, are largely ignored and misunderstood by the mainstream church. The following list has all happened in the last five years. My already shaky faith has been really challenged by these events.
- Death of our daughter, Elizabeth Grace
- Chemical burns to my lungs due to a workplace accident
- Diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder 1
- Brain tumor/surgery (I now have to walk with a cane)
- Hepatitis C with encephalopathy issues, lethargy, and some confusion
- Panic Attacks, delusions and paranoia
- Non-healing sores, a low immune system (yes, I do vitamins)
- On daily meds–Lithium, Seroquil and Zoloft, (a mood-stabilizer, antipsychotic, and an antidepressant)
- I’m currently on disability
- Hand tremors which are not controllable
- Drastic weight loss, which drives my doctors crazy
- Tinnitus, I hear music almost all the time
- Thyroid deficiency, I need to take meds for, everyday
As you can well imagine, ministry became almost impossible, doors quickly closed as word spread. (After all, who wants a psychotic pastor?) I had several hospitalizations due to Bipolar disorder, esp. when I have had suicidal tendencies/self-harm issues. I have scars on my wrists from these very bad times. I continue to suffer from paranoid delusions and hearing voices.
For obvious reasons, I resigned as a senior pastor, which was hard because it was the only thing I ever wanted to do. Sometimes, I feel like Job from the Old Testament and really, really struggled with anger towards God. I still fight with this when life grows dark. So this is what I have had to deal with.
From this I want to speak into the darkness, and try to help any who also seek help. I want to be the guy handing out flashlights to the desperate people in the dark. Jesus frees us and leads us to hope. His Word is trustworthy, and his spirit is gentle.
As Jesus’ disciple, just how much trial am I expected to take, and exactly how do I live? I would really like it if you had time to go through the web site. There are close to 1000 posts and I am sure you will find something that “rings your bell”. I know that that is a lot, but the list of contents is found in the right column of your screen, and a new post is added almost everyday.
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Favorite Thoughts
For now, I offer up some quotes that have personally helped me through the murky darkness.
“God rescues us by breaking us, by shattering our strength and wiping out our resistance.” –A. W. Tozer
“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.”–Mother Teresa
“Our life is full of brokenness – broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live with that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God’s faithful presence in our lives.” –Henri Nouwen
“The power of the Church is not a parade of flawless people, but of a flawless Christ who embraces our flaws. The Church is not made up of whole people, rather of the broken people who find wholeness in a Christ who was broken for us.”–Mike Yaconelli
“I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am.” –John Newton
“It’s not about perfection; it’s about our intimacy with God, or our connection, our relationship with God. Once we get through that, once we realize that we can be imperfect, flawed, broken; those kinds of things are the ingredients of spirituality.”–Mike Yaconelli
“If the church remains self-righteously aloof from failures, irreligious and immoral people, it cannot enter justified into God’s kingdom. But if it is constantly aware of its guilt and sin, it can live in joyous awareness of forgiveness. The promise has been given to it that anyone who humbles himself will be exalted.”-Brennan Manning
My Favorite Authors
My favorite authors are the ones who minister to me in my pain and issues. These books are gold to me, and I scour the web looking for their teachings. I don’t follow men, but I do receive from their ministries. If you follow any of these writers, you will get a sense of where I am coming from, and what exactly is the scope of this blog. If your curious, drop me a line and I’ll be happy to share more.
- Mike Yaconelli– Messy Spirituality; Dangerous Wonder
- Eugene Peterson– The Message Bible; A Long Obedience in One Direction; Subversive Christianity
- Brennan Manning–The Lion and the Lamb; Ragamuffin Gospel; Abba’s Child
- John Piper– When the Darkness Will Not Lift; Desiring God
- Henri Nouwen–The Wounded Healer
- Anne Lamont– Traveling Mercies : Some Thoughts on Faith.
- Kay Redfield Jameson– Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament; An Unquiet Mind
- Georges Bernanos– A Diary of Country Priest
- AW Tozer, anything– The Pursuit of God
- Francis Frangipane–The Place of Immunity
- CS Lewis– Grief Observed; Mere Christianity
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer– The Cost of Discipleship; Life Together
- English Standard Version Study Bible–Great version!
Please check-out an additional post– The ‘Before’ Years http://brokenbelievers.com/fear-loathing/
Related articles
- That Delusional Shore (brokenbelievers.com)
- Studying bipolar disorder (elkrapidslive.com)
- Mike Yaconelli (michaelwylie.wordpress.com)
- Messy Spirituality (brokenbelievers.com)
Thank you…as a christian who has been suffering with DP for years, I truly find it encouraging just to read your thoughts…I am grateful to God for giving me a truly supportive and understanding husband but it helps a great deal just to know that there other broken believers like me and who truly understand my pain…We just need to hold on until we come to the finish line. He promised not to leave us or forsake us. Yes, DP is my thorn on my side…the only explaination I have as to why God allows me to go through life with it…Sometimes life is manageable and sometimes it is going through the valley of shadows and death all the way…Thank you for carrying on..it encouraged me to go on too…
What you are doing here is a wonderful thing! I’d say that God is using you in big ways! There is such a need for your blog and it’s purpose and with an author who truly understands.
What a wonderful ministry you have right here on this blog. I grew up with a mother who had a mental illness, and the sad thing for her was in the 1950′s and 1960′s they didn’t know how to help people with with mental illnesses like they do now. she died about 18 years ago from cancer….We will see one another again in Heaven and that will be a GREAT reunion!
Pastor Bryan ,
I was shook by reading you !
I would love a friend like you in my Journey called LIFE !
Love
Narendra Brahmane
TY, dear one. I think I would be honored by being your friend through life, lol.
Pastor, I think this isn’t just for the addicts, the mentally ill, etc. but your blog should be read by any type of Christian. I don’t have a mental illness but I’m a needy, addicted, messed-up Christian youth that is in love with the Lord. My long-due prayer is that churches here would realize and appreciate a line I found on Tumblr: “Church is not a museum for saints; it is a hospital for sinners.”
Brokenness is a blessing in disguise.
Jah bless you Sir Bryan.
Cha, 18, Philippines
Dear Bryan,
I thank God for your life and your ministry… I also have a burden for those who are hurting, I have a personal blog and would also like to direct you with a Christian health and wellbeing ministry that I recently launched from my own experiences of lack of support http://ontheroadtohealing.org.uk
We are never alone, never abandoned
Your sister in Messiah
Bryan, I just nominated you for two blogging awards. You can check it out and collect your awards here: http://lindakruschke.wordpress.com/2012/01/16/receiving-and-giving/
Peace, Linda
Bryan, I am really moved by your blog and wanted you to know that I have nominated you for the Versatile blogger Award! You can find the specifics about this award here:
http://cravencreativity.wordpress.com/2012/01/16/versatile-blogger-award/
Your blog is an inspiration, keep doing what you are doing:)
Sincerely
Karen
This blog is, and you are, beautiful and courageous–I am moved with compassion for all that you’ve suffered and are dealing with. I could be wrong but, I suspect losing your daughter and your position as Pastor, might have been equally devastating. I appreciate the openness here–as a Christian woman disabled by life-long depression, anxiety (& even the dread “borderline personality” diagnosis), I know well the stigma–in the church, as well at the “world”.
Thankfully, God did a supernatural, miraculous deliverance in me during the week going into Easter last year. I am by no means “perfect”, couldn’t go out and seek to hold down a job (I’m 59)–however, I finally know JOY, and it is wonderful!
I’m learning to live in faith, not fear–great gratitude, not dread of each day. Brother Bryan, I will add you to my prayer list–that God will provide a measure of grace and strength sufficient for you every day, and continue to tuck you in each night. His mercies are new every morning–and His unfailing love Will see us through. God bless you!
God has brought you though a lot and I’m so glad you can still give Him so much Glory and praise even so. My blog today is about brokenness and I happen to find your blog. You have been broken and there are great rewards… for when we are weak….He IS strong in us. From your blog I can see the strength.
God bless you as you minister in a much needed area. I’ve been there too.
ps- Have you ever heard about Rev.Paul S Morton testimony?
So very glad that the blog resonates with you. I personally feel that it takes me a long time to learn and I go through many different lessons. Brokenness is a core issue (esp. for the western church) and I probably beat this particular drum over, and over.
You have a nice blog as well. Oh, not familiar with Rev. Morton’s testimony, but googled him and read some good articles– and a very wonderful interview and more. I sense a heart that went through the furnace.
ybic,
Bryan
I’m sure I will share with you from time to time, but for now, know that I understand you. I share many disorders, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality, etc. Others are PTSD, ADD, Social Anxiety Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, ad nauseum. I have been majorly strengthened by several books that I would recommend to you, as you so aptly put it — to receive from their ministries. They are Victory Over the Darkness by Neil Anderson. The Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson, and True Faced by Bill Thrall, and John Lynch. I have been able to grow in my relationship with God, and grow to love and accept myself even in the midst of all of these disorders. I am embracing the disorders with the knowledge that God has actually blessed me by allowing me to feel things to extreme degrees. In a poem I wrote about God’s Handiwork, which is on our blog, I mentioned how I believe God is using me in spite of, and because of these disorders because He made me His Handiwork. I hope these words from my heart will comfort you and let you know that I sincerely appreciate and support your ministry. Have a very blessed day.. Thanks for being vulnerable enough to share. We are at sharinhislove.wordpress.com Sharon
Hey, finally getting caught with my mail. That is a joy for me. As a a pastor I used some of Dr. Anderson’s material in my own work. Lately I’ve been reading some of John Piper’s work on mental illness, he is at http://www.desiringGod.org. Your “handiwork” perspective is totally vital to growing up. God has to weave us with different color of threads, even dark ones.
I want to check out your site. Blessings, Sharon
You talk of ministry being impossible, and having to resign as senior pastor. I have to tell you that you have a fantastic ministry through this blog! I’m guessing God put you right where you can do the most good for Him. You are providing something here that I have not found anywhere else, and I look forward to reading your posts every day.
TY for this!
Pastor Bryan,
There seems to be a movement toward Messianic Fellowships. Although I have no reason to avoid or be uncomfortable with, I was wondering if you could share your insight. The only thing I feel ill at ease is that there tends to be an anti-Christian sentiment being professed just below the surface. Can you comment on any of this? It would be helpful to me.
Thanks,
Beth
I agree with you, that a messianic movement is growing. But this seems be confined to the Church in America. Like any movement you discover some extremes. Recently I have connecting with a brother who shows a disturbing focus on our Jewish roots. On the other hand my wife has found a reservoir of wisdom from this Hebrew tradition.
I really think that grace must be an even greater emphasis, when the Hebrew/Jewish concepts are taught regularly. You mention an anti-christian sentiment. I too have noticed it at times, it is real, but I don’t where it will end up.
Let me know what you are thinking.
ybic,
Bryan
It is a blessing to be able to find such a website on the internet as this. I have bipolar 1 disorder with psychosis. I am also a Christian. I often tell people that in society I am a walking “Oxymoron” LOL I guess my life breaks most every stereo-type there may be but that is awesome and I am learning each day to embrace my differences and us them to honor the Lord and to help others. Thank you for sharing your story and for reaching out to others.
One of my favorite quotes is “Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.” – Soren Kierkegaard
One of the ways the Lord has helped me to deal with the disorder that I have is through acceptance, instead of fighting in vain to avoid suffering I am now learning how to partake in the cup of suffering I have been handed. By doing so I am able to move on with my life rather than become bog down in an endless defeated battle of holding my breath until the storm passes.
Your site is a blessing, I will keep you in my prayers my fellow brother in Christ and sufferer!
nice to know im not the only christian out there who suffers from depression and anxiety , may our god bless you
TY Carey.
I enjoy your website. It has given me much need peace as I work with our bpd daughter.
So glad to hear. It can be a bit overwhelming. And viscious. Fight for peace, and once you have it don’t let go.
dear bryan, thank you for your compassionate writings.. it helps me go through tough times.. got similar diagnosis as yours. I am christian too. God bless you
J, thank you! God’s grace has met me (and you) and isn’t that a wonder!
Dear Bryan, I forgot to thank you for this website. I was so shocked to see that someone else had been through some of the pain I have felt. I thank you for giving me the courage to tell part of my story, I left on your web site on April 17, 2010. I live with Anxiety, depression, degenerative spine disease, Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Gerd and a few other illness. I love my Saviour, He is the reason I live and go on and to help others like us, and help the ones who do not know Him. Please keep writing, you have encouraged me by this site and the e-mails I get. Thanks for giving me a chance to have a voice. You and this ministry are in my prayers. Love in Christ, Kathy
You’re so welcome, Kathy. We need each other, we can’t really make it as a solitary person.
I thought I was alone, I have been saved since 1983, got married lived like June Cleaver raised 2 kids, my youngest went to college, he was the last one to leave the nest. Everything in my past as a little girl, being molested, my mother dying, then having 2 step mothers, I would watch Cinderella and felt I could have played the part better. I have been beat, raped, and was brought up children do not have rights. I hid allot in the closet. So at the age of 45 I started to have flash backs and I would find myself hiding in the closet. I found myself hitting myself and feeling like I was the lowest of the earth. I started drinking wine occasionally, which turned out to drinking 1 large box of cabernet in 3 days. For 3 years I drank all day till I would fall asleep then start again the next day. I still would watch Joyce Meyers almost everyday, trying to stay some how in God’s Word. I would pray and ask God to help me, I felt so….. alone. I have had chronic illness for years, so most people had brushed me off anyway. You know the kind that tell you if you had enough faith I would be healed. It seemed as long as I could play the role of trying to be miss perfect, I was accepted by most people and was highly thought of, anyway I couldn,t take the physical or emotional pain anymore I cut my wrist in 10 places. I needed over 35 stiches to sew me up. I didn’t plan this, my mind just snapped. I just wanted peace. I did know in my heart that if I had died I would be with Jesus. Because of the price He paid for me on the cross. I have cut allot of my story short, I want to say I still deal with depression at times. I have been hospitolized almost 50 times due to many different illness. The few people who found out that I had tried to commit suicide, some told me I had commited the unpardonable sin. I just told them they didn’t know the God I know. God has called me to be a comforter. I have tried to write about 52 years in this space. I’m tired and felt to lazy to look up in the dictionary on some of my words forgive me. Please remember it was the religious groups that God allowed to nail His son to the cross. I believe it is when we are so broken and used up, that is when God knows thats right where He wants us, To be so dependent on Him that what we do In His name will be backed up by the power of the Holy Spirit. People will know when we come or speak it will be in the Name OF THE LORD!!! If I may leave this letter of healing God gave me from the book Letters from Heaven, by Claire Cloninger…..page 101….. Dear Child of mine, I am the God of all comfort. I will hold you in arms of compassion and sing you My healing song of grace. I will touch the wounds within, and in My perfect season, I will lift you from this place of pain. But I want you to know as I am healing you, I also am creating within you a healing ministry of your own. For to be healed by Me is to be made a healer. You see the very comfort that I am working into your broken heart through the power of my My words of the love of My people is meant to be recycled. Someday when your heart has grown strong again, I will send someone into your life who is as broken as you are today. And the compassion I am pouring into you now will flow from you to that hurting soul. You will know how to comfort him because you will have been where he is. You will resonate with his pain. You will reach into the depth of your own healing and love him back to life for Me. What a precious vessel you will be to Me then—a vessel once humbled and hurt, and then healed to be a healer! This is My plan for you, God, 2 Corithians 1:3-4
Hey me and a friend are currently working on a project on this subject for a school project and your article is really useful
Bry, Finally had time to really read your website, what a blessing you are! I’ll check back often, I really appreciate your writings and comments from others. A favorite book of mine is a simple one, called ‘Ya (or You?) Gotta Keep Dancing”, if I remember the author I’ll let you know, it slips my mind right now. It’s on physical pain, which of course chronic pain leads to depression (the brain chemistry is the same).
Keep on brother,
Tami
The author of You Gotta Keep Dancin’ is Tim Hansel and I agree Tami, it is a great book and moving testimony.
I’ve been told that about this book, I’ll see if I can get it on my Kindle.
Bryan,
I am honored to see the feed to my blog posts here on your blog. It is very encouraging to me. Thank you.
It was also an honor to get to know you a little bit here on your blog. Your voice and ministry is valuable to the Body of Christ and I am praying for you.
Peace & grace in Christ.
thanks for letting me know about your site, I will definitely share it. God bless you in your ministry
brian
I am glad you are doing this, Bryan!
Bryan, I paise the Lord that with all the trial and tribulations that you have been through and mental illiness and Religion seems to have always been at odds. I also know that without faith we all are lost and wondering. I believe that sometimes we are aflicted with illiness so that we may guild others. I have lived my whole life in extreem pain, and there are days that I yell at my Lord. It is than that I know that without the things I have dealt with in my life I would have no compassion or understanding that everyone is in some kind of pain and sometimes all it takes to help someone through the day is a kind word.
I know you have memory loss, so I will remind you that I am Debbie, Tony’s mom, who lived with your family through a ruff winter when both your dad, and my husband were ill. Pam, Scot, you, Tony and I had to go and cut the wood for the fire, and even in our poverty it is still one of my favorite times.
I’m so glad I found your blog. I plan to visit regularly.
That’s great! You’re inspiring me to keep writing, and praying for more direction and guidance for my postings.
ybic,
Bryan
thank you for witing on Borderline Personality Disorder- so many people don’t know what it is and it has been hard for me to explain my diagnosis and behaviour.