God shelters us– if we decide to abide in His love
Hello and Welcome!
My name is Bryan Lowe, and I try my best to guide this blog, BrokenBelievers.com. I’m also a Christian pastor and Bible teacher who struggles with a ripping case of Bipolar Disorder I, and a galloping dose of Hepatitis C (which I contracted using IV drugs back in the 70′s.) I’ve had a series of catastrophic health issues over the last 10 years. Life has been very difficult.
I have a burden for a blog that will concern itself with the challenges of mentally ill Christian believers, as well as key issues such as brokenness and humility. These seem to be critical issues, but for the most part, are largely ignored and misunderstood by the mainstream church. The following list has all happened in the last five years. To be honest, my already shaky faith has been really challenged by these events.
- Death of our daughter, Elizabeth Grace
- Chemical burns to my lungs due to a workplace accident, hospitalized
- Diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder 1
- Brain tumor/surgery, (I now have to walk with a cane)
- Hepatitis C with encephalopathy issues, lethargy, and some confusion
- Panic Attacks, with delusions and paranoia
- Non-healing sores, a low immune system (yes, I do vitamins)
- On daily meds–Lithium, Seroquil and Zoloft, (a mood-stabilizer, antipsychotic, and an antidepressant)
- I’m currently on disability
- Hand tremors which are not controllable
- Drastic weight loss, which drives my doctors crazy
- Tinnitus, I hear music almost all the time
- Thyroid deficiency, I need to take meds for, everyday
As you can well imagine, ministry became almost impossible, doors quickly closed for me as the word spread. (After all, who wants a psychotic pastor?) I had several hospitalizations due to Bipolar disorder, esp. when I have had suicidal tendencies/self-harm issues. I have scars on my wrists from these very bad times. At times I have suffered from paranoid delusions and hearing voices.
For obvious reasons, I resigned as a senior pastor, which was hard because it was the only thing I ever wanted to do. Sometimes, I feel like Job from the Old Testament and really, really struggled with anger towards God. I still fight with this when life grows dark. So this is what I have had to deal with.
From this I want to speak into the darkness, and try to help any who also seek help. I want to be the guy handing out flashlights to the desperate people in the dark. Jesus frees us and leads us to hope. His Word is trustworthy, and his spirit is gentle.
BrokenBelievers.com is making ministry available to the whole world (we have readers on every continent, except Antarctica.) We are connecting with huge numbers of God-loving Christian believers who also struggle with mental illness.
As Jesus’ disciple, just how much trial am I expected to take, and exactly how do I live? I would really like it if you had time to go through the web site. There are now over 1000 posts and I am sure you will find something that “rings your bell”. I know that that is a lot, but the list of contents is found in the right column of your screen, and a new post is added almost everyday.
Favorite Thoughts
For now, I offer up to you some quotes that have personally helped me through the murky darkness.
“God rescues us by breaking us, by shattering our strength and wiping out our resistance.” –A. W. Tozer
“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.”–Mother Teresa
“Our life is full of brokenness – broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live with that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God’s faithful presence in our lives.” –Henri Nouwen
“The power of the Church is not a parade of flawless people, but of a flawless Christ who embraces our flaws. The Church is not made up of whole people, rather of the broken people who find wholeness in a Christ who was broken for us.” –Mike Yaconelli
“I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am.” –John Newton
“It’s not about perfection; it’s about our intimacy with God, or our connection, our relationship with God. Once we get through that, once we realize that we can be imperfect, flawed, broken; those kinds of things are the ingredients of spirituality.”–Mike Yaconelli
“If the church remains self-righteously aloof from failures, irreligious and immoral people, it cannot enter justified into God’s kingdom. But if it is constantly aware of its guilt and sin, it can live in joyous awareness of forgiveness. The promise has been given to it that anyone who humbles himself will be exalted.”-Brennan Manning
Some of My Favorite Authors
My favorite authors are the ones who minister to me in my pain and issues. Noy everyone can do this. These books are gold to me, and I scour the web looking for their teachings. I don’t follow men, but I do receive from their ministries. If you follow any of these writers, you will get a sense of where I am coming from, and what exactly is the scope of this blog. If your curious, drop me a line and I’ll be happy to share more.
- Mike Yaconelli– Messy Spirituality; Dangerous Wonder
- Eugene Peterson– The Message Bible; A Long Obedience in One Direction; Subversive Christianity
- Brennan Manning–The Lion and the Lamb; Ragamuffin Gospel; Abba’s Child
- John Piper– When the Darkness Will Not Lift; Desiring God
- Henri Nouwen–The Wounded Healer
- Anne Lamont– Traveling Mercies : Some Thoughts on Faith.
- Kay Redfield Jameson– Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament; An Unquiet Mind
- Georges Bernanos– A Diary of Country Priest
- AW Tozer, anything– The Pursuit of God
- Francis Frangipane–The Place of Immunity
- CS Lewis– Grief Observed; Mere Christianity
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer– The Cost of Discipleship; Life Together
Please check-out an additional post– The ‘Before’ Years http://brokenbelievers.com/fear-loathing/
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ybic, Bryan
Related articles
- That Delusional Shore (brokenbelievers.com)
- Studying bipolar disorder (elkrapidslive.com)
- Mike Yaconelli (michaelwylie.wordpress.com)
- Messy Spirituality (brokenbelievers.com)
Hi Pastor Bryan, Wow! I can really relate, I have bipolar diagnosed in 2007. However the diagnosis was when I had my second psychosis, my first one was after my first baby in 1992. For 2O years of this has not been fun. my last lot of psychosis, depression and anxiety was so full on. God does not give what we can handle he does the opposite so we can lean on Him.. I can relate to your hospitalisation admissions and definitely a scary place.. I was placed in a small room after I became so out-of-control with a manic episode there was a mattress on the floor cardboard box for a toilet and 3 cups of water and they kept coming and to see if I was still alive.. The voices in my head I believe was Satan he said that I have been left behind Jesus has come back.. I never forget this the slime that Satan plays with the mind, my ex husbands relatives that were dead shouting in my head, so real. The church I was going to did not want nothing to do with me, I left that church there was no support or Pastoral Care in emotional aspect.. I understand when you felt like Job because everything was taken away from me, my friends, my husband left me, my daughter went with him… After hearing the recent suicide of Matthew Warren, Rick Warrens son I not going to be quiet any more. God wants me to serve in this area of mental health in the church and community.. I am going to be study Theology soon, God has been calling me for years to go to bible college and now I am not putting it off no more. I am not ashamed any more, I am going stand up and serve in this way that God has moulded me to do for many years..
Hi Darleen,
TY f or sharing. I just want to tell you that there is so much room out there for ministry to the mentally ill, and to Christians who are MI, or have MI family and friends. I really want you to understand that the Lord wants to use you more than you want to be used. Let Him guide and He will make things clear.
Ybic, Bryan
Thank you Bryan, as I realise God is making it clear for awhile now but I have not been open to it because I did not want to go down the Mental ill road, because for one it is a scary road and not only that I have to tell my story where that is showing vulnerability and that is difficult to do because of being rejected by others. I know how that feels. I been praying for God to make it clear of his purpose is and yes he has but I just did not want to see it. Like Jonah I ran the opposite way.. Darleen
So true, but He is the most patient person I have ever met. He doesn’t give us what we deserve. You will only meet undeserving people in heaven.
Thank you for the re-blog! This is Friday, but Sunday is coming! Your story is remarkable. God is the great physician, comforter, protector, healer; he is everything. God bless you!
TY! Blessings to you.
Hi, Pastor Bryan–
I enjoy following your journey. Thank you for blessing me with your writing time and again. I’ve just written about Pastor Warren’s son’s suicide yesterday (www.poemspainandpromises.blogspot.com). I would welcome your thoughts on this unfortunate situation. Thank you, Noeline Maldonado
Thanks again for your faithfulness to write this blog. I am among friends!
You sure are. Glad you are here.
Again I am grateful for this site, and for the courageous believers who have found a safe haven here and are sharing their stories. Today is a particularly crushing day for some reason. Just thank you all for the courage to breath the next breath, you are an encouragment to me! We will meet someday beyond cyberspace! Love in Christ.
I mean “crushing” for me, not that the day itself is crushing. In it all I remember – Today is the day The Lord has made . . . even if in the movement of my heart, I will rejoice and be glad in it.
Hi,
What do you do when the darkness is so great that you can’t even talk; when all your thoughts about everyone and everything are so evil and wicked. I continually pray and praise and read scripture but right now I cannot see anything beyond this. I feel like I am evil and doomed to hell.
grace for yourself, sweetie. we are all evil. and we are all doomed to hell, if we get what we deserve. just stick to one thought: I am loved by Jesus. He loves me. He doesn’t love me when i am good. He loves me. All the time. He can’t love me more than He does. Stop DOING stuff. Just repeat that one thing to yourself, and then thank Him that it is so. It may not turn on the lights, but it might flick a match. Those days when it is all so dark are horrible, scary…but they do pass. You know that from your own experience. Say it, out loud, often.
“I am loved by Jesus. He loves me. He doesn’t love me when i am good. He loves me. All the time. He can’t love me more than He does.”
Hugs and prayers. maybe give the lithium a try. it’s not a guarantee. but it’s possible help.
Thank you for getting back to me. You must be the only one that hasn’t complained about weight gain with lithium. I do have to be careful because of the fatty liver disease and being pre diabetic. I’ve been on many different meds over the last 25 years, just can’t seem to find a good mix yet.
Thanks again!
Patience combined with taking a challenge. Both will guide you, I think.
B.
Dear Pastor Bryan,
I have been resistant to taking lithium because it causes weight gain. How do you take lithium and lose weight? I have non alcoholic fatty liver disease and and pre diabetic so the doctors are after me to lose weight so I would love to hear your answer!!!
Thank you,
Cathy Seip
Hi Cathy,
I have no real issues with lithium. I’ve taken it for several years now. Right now my dose is set at 1200 mg. I have not gained weight on it. My personal concern is for my liver, but my lab results show no real effect.
The benefits of lithium have been obvious to me, and my family. But we are all different. I don’t know if being pre-diabetic will factor in or not. I would suggest that perhaps your weight gain is as a significant health risk as your bipolar? I am certain that your doctors have an opinion.
Bless you Cathy. My only advice is to mix patience with your taking a risk with meds.
ybic,
Bryan
Bryan, i think your question, “Who wants a psychotic pastor?” might be answered, “Uh, lots of us have had them—they were just undiagnosed!” But a better answer, “Better a genuinely broken man to shepherd us, a broken flock, than a man who believes he has it all together.” Maybe it’s better spoken by this:
Blest Are the Poor in Spirit (revision 2.17.13 from 9.26.02)
He is Lord of the lunatics, Lover of liars,
Holding the hopelessly weak;
He’s the Heavenly vision of those who lie blinded,
The Treasure of those who will foolishly seek.
He’s the Rock of the rummy, the Stone where the stupid
Stop to find rest in the dull of the day;
He has no greater love for the wise and the righteous
Than He does for the “worthless one” cast by the way.
For the fool is the man who alone tries to stand;
And blest are the poor ones in spirit.
He seeks out the poor, the twisted and blighted,
Declaring them rich, whole and nobly blessed.
And He waits for the good and the morally straight
To see that their road will not lead to His rest!
For the fool is the man who alone tries to stand;
And blest are the poor ones in spirit.
For is all is of grace, and all of us dead,
Then we’re fools to believe we are able!
No, we’re far better off to lie dead in His arms
Than to feast at the Pharisees’ table.
For there in that death He can breathe into us
The Spirit of Life beyond measure!
And we find as we wake, our own righteousness dead
And His own forever our treasure.
For the fool is the man who alone tries to stand;
And blest are the poor ones in spirit.
Blessings on you and this beautiful congregation.
This remarkably beautiful, and I truly see the truth saturated in this. There is much to commend this to our readership. May I lift this and stick it in a post? Let me know, and I will be happy to meet any prerequisites you should want.
Love, ybic, Bryan
flash99603@hotmail.com
Hi, Craig–
I’m very sorry about your Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. My good friends (two of them) suffer in silence, mostly, with this debilitating disorder. And, yes, it is most definitely physiological. So are chemicals and brain chemistry, as in Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, mental illness, etc. Between your last response and this one of mine, we have agreed to disagree, but mood disorders are very real. I don’t choose to be this way. In over 20 years with bipolar disorder, I have fasted, sought out leadership (in church), prayed, and gone the distance, thinking that there was something else I needed to do to move the hand of God, until I came to the realization that God loved me and can use me as is. Don’t like this conclusion very much as I want to be perfectly whole, but I have seen the hand of God in my pain. Anyway, thank you for respectfully responding to my post, and for expressing your disagreement with interest and query and not with disdain. I really appreciate that. I know I have not walked in your shoes, nor you in mine, but I hope that you find the strength and energy you need to make it through each day, as I’ve seen the ravages of CFS first hand.
Best,
Noeline
Hi Noeline and Craig;
I have followed your exchange with interest and wonder if both views don’t actually align as follows: Probably we can all agree that God’s perfect creation became broken with the original sin of man (Adam and Eve story). If we follow history and believe in the bible we see a continual deterioration of all of creation (environmentally, physically, morally etc) until the final cleansing and creation of a New Heaven and Earth. All of this destruction is wrought by Satan and he continues his work relentlessly. So if science is studying our DNA and finding deterioration in genetic makeup from generation to generation isn’t it likely and very probable that Satan would ply on our weaknesses that we have no control over (i.e. brain chemistry) and stir the pot so to speak and be the cause of the variety of symptoms experienced by those with MI. Symptoms like panic/anxiety attacks, wouldn’t he plant seeds of doubt in our minds to overwhelm us knowing that our physical brain cannot cope with this bombardment. Now we ask, Why does God completely heal some and seem to ignore others who are equally worthy of healing? How about this as food for thought: to give us hope of things to come on that great day when we will all be healed of our various afflictions AND because creation continues to deteriorate we need those suffering with all kinds of afflictions to be a part of society to instill empathy and caring and compassion in those of use who have the ability but are not using it and will therefore miss out on God’s final reward if we don’t get busy and help the less fortunate. I ask you, What would happen if Pastor Bryan posted “Praise God I’ve been completely healed”. Rejoicing certainly, but it might also cause some to feel discouraged and forsaken by God i.e. why him and not me? With Pastor Bryan walking this journey alongside you, he’s a concrete example of exactly what Jesus called us to be for each other. I say each other, because I suspect Pastor Bryan relies as much on your support as you do on his and we all do on Jesus.
Amen. This blog is indeed a 50-50 affair. I’m not just saying this, I know it.
ybic, Bryan
I can relate to many things you’re dealing with, but I think you attribute to mental illness what is really the working of demonic spirits in your walk. There is not one mention of the demonic in your brief story, and that amazed me. Panic attacks are ALWAYS demonic. Music playing in your head is a demonic spirit of distraction. These things are not mental issues, but rather they are spiritual issues. No man can straighten out his intellecut without God’s help. I know I can never straighten out my messed up thinking without the Holy Spirit’s help. “When the Spirit of truth is come, He will lead you into all truth.” I believe it even though at age 56 I still have some misunderstandings about things. Thanks for letting me post.
I am 38, bipolar (with all the symptoms described by this faithful pastor), and I love the Lord with all my heart. It is sad that many of us turn from mainstream church attendance because Christians who attributed all things to the demonic without keeping it in perspective. Of course it isn’t good what is happening to us. We’re not asleep to the notion that the enemy came to kill, steal, and destroy. But some of us share thorns in our side that we’ve been give a common grace to overcome…and others who’ve not walked our walk know nothing about it. Consider offering love next time. Not limited mentality and judgment. I pray you never experience any of these things…ever. That is my only hope for you.
Noeline74, I would just respectfully disagree that “Christians attribute everything to the demonic”. In the church I attended for 25 years and in the hope groups I went to, the demonic was something almost never mentioned. And deliverance ministries are almost forbidden in any church.
Oh, I’ve had a lot of mental torment in my life and I continue to battle against it. But it is a result of what is going on in the spirit realm and not what is happening in the psysical realm. Now if you were to tell me you can’t talk well or you speech was slurred from a stroke, I would say that is physical. But I don’t accept that bipolar is a physcal condition of the brain–maybe I am wrong. I believe it is an excuse to swallow pills, get on disability and let Satan protect his territory. I also think about the man who had the infirmity for 37 years, and Jesus asked him if he really wanted to be healed?
Maybe I am wrong. I certainly reserve the right to be wrong. I have a chronic fatigue problem in my life. A lot of folks and even doctors would say it is all in my head and not real. But, I’ll say what you said. If you walked a few weeks in my shoes, you would quickly come to understand that chronic fatigue is real.
We seem to think alike. The spiritual war we are participating in includes demons and angels– dark forces, and Satan working. They are real, and at times influential. They seem to do better in certain climates. (i.e., anger, deceit, mental illness, lust– actually the ‘works of the flesh”..)
But I can’t really say that mental illness is always their work. In a sense it is like any other disease–progressive, life controlling. You certainly would not tell a diabetic that her diabetes is satanic. I have Hep C as well as a mental illness. Both are serious medical conditions.
Specifically, you mentioned “panic attacks” and “voices.” These are not chronic issues for me. But you probably shouldn’t be ready to rubber stamp anyone. Who knows? We can’t figure our own hearts out, how can we try to meddle in someone else life?
We indeed live in a nasty world that is darkly saturated with wicked things. But! God is infinitely stronger.
“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” (Phil. 1:6)
I’m strongly confident that He will bring His own home to Him. The weakest will be brought to His side. He promised!
We should be wary and alert to the enemy. But we should be even more aware of God’s love and power. When He is present, we are pretty much untouchable, even in terrible trials.
Thanks for writing. You communicate well. Maybe there is a blog in your future, lol.
ybic, Bryan
Hi there, just came across your blog via a link on beretta-online.com It is really refreshing to find someone else writing about Christian faith and mental illness, there don’t seem to be many of us around. I write at believersbrain.com about my own bipolar disorder (II) and anxiety issues and how that affects my faith as a Christian. I think people are hungry for more information, particularly those of us who are suffering themselves.
Illness is a hard thing to bear, but I know that I would not have come to the Lord if I had not been ill, and I do believe there are blessings brought out of this curse. I am certainly more compassionate than I ever was before!
Thank you for your blog, and I have followed you in my reader.
Emma
That’s great. I intend to check your site out, and “steal” some ideas
. You’re right about the mental illness and believer link. I see so little of it and it does bother me. Keep in step with Him!
ybic, Bryan
I thank god for leading me to you !!! we have so much in common it,s scary !! I too have many things happen in life that have set me back and many would not have happened if I had not been reaching out to others in need . I have many times felt like Job . I have also felt like Uriaha as of late , you know the guy sent to the forfrount of the battle. I also deal with hep. I also like serveral of your favorite writers .- D.B . ,H.N. -A. W.T.,C.S.L ,I also love Augustine ! we both take zoloft ,I also take insulin ,b.p. meds , neurontin , just been told I suffer from P.T.S.D. and I am trying to get disability now and have been resigned from my last church for over 2 years now with no type of job . Some days it is hard to put on shoes much less walk due to neurothopy in my legs and feet .Yet I love the Lord with all my heart ! I have never lost faith in God ,yet I have lost faith in humanity . But if I don’t preach and teach I think that’s what will kill me . I have my safe zone on the east coast of Va. not far from Jamestown . maybe we could talk sometime and share much about what it means to be a bruised and broken believer.yet ready still to march into the next mission for our King and His Kingdom ! Proverbs 3:5 & Heb.11:1 —-ybic2—–In His Love and service Rev. J. Milton Brewster ——ps- the only thing worse than my spelling is my typing !
I just “stumbled upon your website” looking for music by Wendy and Mary. One of their songs was going through my head and I wanted to see if I could find anything on the net about them. I see that you like them too.
I too have struggled with what the world calls “mental health issues”. I believe that the most beautiful people are the ones that the world tends to reject as “not normal”. 1 Corinthians 1:27 says “But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty”. I love that.
I like your comment in the article called “Dipped In Shame on August 18 2012″: “But the Lord loves the bottom. That’s where He gets the best disciples from.” Very good.
I have found some relief as well from a yeast free diet. Check out http://nutritioninstitute.com/ and go to the medical problems tab. A pull down menu will appear. Click on mental health disorders to read articles on how a yeast free diet can help. The doctors name is Bruce Semon.
Thank you for your website. I pray that many are helped by it. I know what it’s like to be desperate for answers and relief from severe pain.
A line from a Rich Mullins song came into my mind. The song is called “Bound to Come Some Trouble”. “Hold on to Jesus, hold on tight. He’s been there before and He knows what it’s like, you’ll find He’s there.”
Yah bless,
Toni
I struggle with wanting to attend services and being terrified at the same time. I’ve had panic attacks on the way to church and turned around to come home…my husband is very understanding.
What bugs me more, though, is the attitude from some that I “just need to go to church.” That I would “feel better around other believers.”
Hi Bryan,
I’m looking at this issue from the other side of the forest. Having rejoined the teaching ministry after several years of doing other things, we are blessed with the challenge of reaching “the goodbye generation.” Amongst this group are some who have emotional issues. I’m not yet close enough to any to know what the issues are, whether they rise to a formal classification, whether they are organic or whether they are from choices. I do believe that in at least one case, we are dealing with an individual who needs to be communicated with in a specific way. In addition to affirming those who share your challenge, you may also have a greater calling in helping those of us who teach to reach those who want to learn but are challenged to do so. I realize this is a rather broad subject, but let’s suppose that in our outreach, we attract one or more individuals who share your issues. We know from experience that these encounters, in a learning environment, can be challenging to the individual, the teacher and to co-learners. Do you have a handy guide on how to approach these individuals in a gentle, Christ-like manner?
Thank you,
Jim
I’m intrigued by this.
1) Things are seldom what they seem. This will develop humility and dependence.
2) Truth is invariably considered bad when it is first encountered.
3) Everyone is being pursued by the Good Shepherd. Everyone.
4) Repentance is a daily decision for every believer.
5) The “desperation factor” becomes the catalyst for real change.
6) The Church is the most vital and strongest organism on planet earth today. Involvement is mandatory.
7) The Parable of the Prodigal Son is perhaps the greatest thing ever taught. You can’t over-teach it.
These are just a small core of basic things. Each one of these can be extrapolated, and magnified (and should be.)
I would suggest a book, if I might be so bold–
John Piper– “When the Darkness Will Not Lift”
I intend to think some more on this.
ybic, Bryan
Jim,
What I zipped off to you was a general type of list. As I reread your first email I realized you were looking for more specific info. Sorry about that.
In cases where there is mental illness, addictions, or physical abuse Jesus has promised to be present. Your dear one may not realize it (mostly they don’t.) But the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. Discerning if there is sin can only take things so far. We are all sinners, infested and twisted. So trying to come along side and pointing out that there is sin states the obvious. (The more they hide their sinfulness, the plainer it comes.)
People you meet, will often leave a ‘residue’ on your heart. It’s kind of like taking a bath when your very dirty, you will leave a ‘ring’ in the tub. Silly? Perhaps, but it seems to me we can understand things in a similar way. Have you ever met with someone and later felt “soiled?” But this type of discernment is not always accurate or helpful. They have their sin, and we have ours. There can be too much information that confuses us as a counselor.
I always ask permission when I want to speak into a broken heart. This establishes any word or counsel in their hearts (a Bible verse?). If they say “yes” we have an open door. If they say ‘no,’ trust in God’s timing.
Lot of times, it’s like 25% counsel, and 75% prayer and intercession. We often switch these two. But again it’s like a cockpit in a 747. There are so many different gauges and levers. It takes a very long time to master. Many mistakes will be made. I have ‘blown’ a lot of ministry situations. But being broken and humble can make up for a lot.
Funny how fluid things really are. We don’t ever attain the counselor status like we want (ego). Often the person who we are with, will counsel us. We have to be open to that.
The Church is full of broken people, broken hearts and broken spirits. The brokenness has got to embraced. People must see their illness, not as spiritual weakness. It’s not a liability. The person with bipolar, schizophrenia or clinical depression often bring a blessing into a service. In a way, we are the audiovisual department of the Church. We show others what grace and mercy looks like. People should see me work through my paranoia faithfully and even awkwardly. But no matter, when you look at someone with a disability (and not always perfectly dealing with it) you will be close to God’s heart.
Oh gosh, I got going and caught up writing and thinking. I suspect I might will be in touch again. I hope you will sift through this, and find at least one thing of value.
ybic, Bryan
flash99603@hotmail.com
Hi Bryan,
I stumbled upon your blog searching in google images for “Humility.” It is one of my favorite qualities. I read your story and was moved by your authentic honesty. It takes bravery to admit to the world what is really going on. I honor you and will continue to read.
Hi Bryan,
I stumbled upon your blog searching in google images for “Humility.” It is one of my favorite qualities. I read your story and was moved by your authentic honesty. It takes bravery to admit to the world what is really going on. I honor you and will continue to read.
Hi Bryan! I’m so glad to have found your blog. Yours is one of the few sites I’ve come across that actually deals with the issue of Christians who suffer from mental illness. I’ve suffered for over 40 years with Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD), depression and anxiety. I also have other medical issues but most of the pain I feel comes from a broken spirit and not my broken body. I no longer go to church to find comfort and support because I find that most Christians just don’t care about people with mental illness. I actually feel more lonely when I go to church than I do when I stay at home. Do you ever feel that way? I figure it’s probably my fault that I feel so lonely because I have such a difficult time talking to people and never really feel as though I “fit in”. At home I read my bible, watch church services on the internet, and spend time talking to God. And, when I’m in the most pain He always gives me enough strength to get through it. For that I am extremely grateful. Anyway, Bryan, I look forward to reading more of your posts. I believe that God has blessed you despite the brokeness you are experiencing in your life. He has given you a wonderful opportunity to minister to other believers who are suffering from broken spirits, minds, and bodies as well.
Ruth
I can be so negligent. Please forgive me. But I so love the idea that brokenbelievers.com found you. When I first envisioned this site, it was to fill a challenging gap in the Church. In a weird way the Church needed BB more than BB needed the Church.
I’m also socially crippled. I make a trip into town every two weeks, and I’m confined to my loft in my cabin in the woods. My paranoia keeps me “pinned down” most of the time. I might attend a church once a month, so I can see your point.
The cracks are there to let the light shine in.
ybic,
Bryan
No apologies necessary! But thanks Bryan for helping so many of us broken believers find hope in Christ even when we may be feeling helpless and hopeless. You’re right though; the light and love of Christ will always find its way into our hearts through the cracks of our broken lives–all we have to do is accept and embrace it!
Ruth
Hello Bryan thanks for sharing,and I thought I had problems! “Wow”! Your honesty just pops and that is so needed,we as Christians tend to wear mask.And for so long we truly forget who we really are.We’re so busy trying to fool and please others until we’re lost in the darkness,and scared to share our true selves. “Rejection”! is a powerful tool and we do fear it,but thank God for you Pastor Bryan so now we know we can live and love even though we’re so “Broken”!! I thank you so much for your visit,I will return soon,I feel the love of Jesus here
Thankyou for his site Brother.You are Mos Def on this pilgrims prayer list.xo-Dean
Loved by the Broken One, we Christians really struggle with brokenness, well, with anyone we consider to be just a bit “too” broken, or more broken than we are. Thanks for sharing your story. Only by listening can we begin to discover the Broken One who loves us all. And as we come together, our stories begin to declare his story.
Joy
Hope fulfilled
In Christ we trust, amen.
Thank you…as a christian who has been suffering with DP for years, I truly find it encouraging just to read your thoughts…I am grateful to God for giving me a truly supportive and understanding husband but it helps a great deal just to know that there other broken believers like me and who truly understand my pain…We just need to hold on until we come to the finish line. He promised not to leave us or forsake us. Yes, DP is my thorn on my side…the only explaination I have as to why God allows me to go through life with it…Sometimes life is manageable and sometimes it is going through the valley of shadows and death all the way…Thank you for carrying on..it encouraged me to go on too…
What you are doing here is a wonderful thing! I’d say that God is using you in big ways! There is such a need for your blog and it’s purpose and with an author who truly understands.
What a wonderful ministry you have right here on this blog. I grew up with a mother who had a mental illness, and the sad thing for her was in the 1950′s and 1960′s they didn’t know how to help people with with mental illnesses like they do now. she died about 18 years ago from cancer….We will see one another again in Heaven and that will be a GREAT reunion!
Pastor Bryan ,
I was shook by reading you !
I would love a friend like you in my Journey called LIFE !
Love
Narendra Brahmane
TY, dear one. I think I would be honored by being your friend through life, lol.
Pastor, I think this isn’t just for the addicts, the mentally ill, etc. but your blog should be read by any type of Christian. I don’t have a mental illness but I’m a needy, addicted, messed-up Christian youth that is in love with the Lord. My long-due prayer is that churches here would realize and appreciate a line I found on Tumblr: “Church is not a museum for saints; it is a hospital for sinners.”
Brokenness is a blessing in disguise.
Jah bless you Sir Bryan.
Cha, 18, Philippines
Dear Bryan,
I thank God for your life and your ministry… I also have a burden for those who are hurting, I have a personal blog and would also like to direct you with a Christian health and wellbeing ministry that I recently launched from my own experiences of lack of support http://ontheroadtohealing.org.uk
We are never alone, never abandoned
Your sister in Messiah
Bryan, I just nominated you for two blogging awards. You can check it out and collect your awards here: http://lindakruschke.wordpress.com/2012/01/16/receiving-and-giving/
Peace, Linda
Bryan, I am really moved by your blog and wanted you to know that I have nominated you for the Versatile blogger Award! You can find the specifics about this award here:
http://cravencreativity.wordpress.com/2012/01/16/versatile-blogger-award/
Your blog is an inspiration, keep doing what you are doing:)
Sincerely
Karen
This blog is, and you are, beautiful and courageous–I am moved with compassion for all that you’ve suffered and are dealing with. I could be wrong but, I suspect losing your daughter and your position as Pastor, might have been equally devastating. I appreciate the openness here–as a Christian woman disabled by life-long depression, anxiety (& even the dread “borderline personality” diagnosis), I know well the stigma–in the church, as well at the “world”.
Thankfully, God did a supernatural, miraculous deliverance in me during the week going into Easter last year. I am by no means “perfect”, couldn’t go out and seek to hold down a job (I’m 59)–however, I finally know JOY, and it is wonderful!
I’m learning to live in faith, not fear–great gratitude, not dread of each day. Brother Bryan, I will add you to my prayer list–that God will provide a measure of grace and strength sufficient for you every day, and continue to tuck you in each night. His mercies are new every morning–and His unfailing love Will see us through. God bless you!
God has brought you though a lot and I’m so glad you can still give Him so much Glory and praise even so. My blog today is about brokenness and I happen to find your blog. You have been broken and there are great rewards… for when we are weak….He IS strong in us. From your blog I can see the strength.
God bless you as you minister in a much needed area. I’ve been there too.
ps- Have you ever heard about Rev.Paul S Morton testimony?
So very glad that the blog resonates with you. I personally feel that it takes me a long time to learn and I go through many different lessons. Brokenness is a core issue (esp. for the western church) and I probably beat this particular drum over, and over.
You have a nice blog as well. Oh, not familiar with Rev. Morton’s testimony, but googled him and read some good articles– and a very wonderful interview and more. I sense a heart that went through the furnace.
ybic,
Bryan
I’m sure I will share with you from time to time, but for now, know that I understand you. I share many disorders, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality, etc. Others are PTSD, ADD, Social Anxiety Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, ad nauseum. I have been majorly strengthened by several books that I would recommend to you, as you so aptly put it — to receive from their ministries. They are Victory Over the Darkness by Neil Anderson. The Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson, and True Faced by Bill Thrall, and John Lynch. I have been able to grow in my relationship with God, and grow to love and accept myself even in the midst of all of these disorders. I am embracing the disorders with the knowledge that God has actually blessed me by allowing me to feel things to extreme degrees. In a poem I wrote about God’s Handiwork, which is on our blog, I mentioned how I believe God is using me in spite of, and because of these disorders because He made me His Handiwork. I hope these words from my heart will comfort you and let you know that I sincerely appreciate and support your ministry. Have a very blessed day.. Thanks for being vulnerable enough to share. We are at sharinhislove.wordpress.com Sharon
Hey, finally getting caught with my mail. That is a joy for me. As a a pastor I used some of Dr. Anderson’s material in my own work. Lately I’ve been reading some of John Piper’s work on mental illness, he is at http://www.desiringGod.org. Your “handiwork” perspective is totally vital to growing up. God has to weave us with different color of threads, even dark ones.
I want to check out your site. Blessings, Sharon
You talk of ministry being impossible, and having to resign as senior pastor. I have to tell you that you have a fantastic ministry through this blog! I’m guessing God put you right where you can do the most good for Him. You are providing something here that I have not found anywhere else, and I look forward to reading your posts every day.
TY for this!
Pastor Bryan,
There seems to be a movement toward Messianic Fellowships. Although I have no reason to avoid or be uncomfortable with, I was wondering if you could share your insight. The only thing I feel ill at ease is that there tends to be an anti-Christian sentiment being professed just below the surface. Can you comment on any of this? It would be helpful to me.
Thanks,
Beth
I agree with you, that a messianic movement is growing. But this seems be confined to the Church in America. Like any movement you discover some extremes. Recently I have connecting with a brother who shows a disturbing focus on our Jewish roots. On the other hand my wife has found a reservoir of wisdom from this Hebrew tradition.
I really think that grace must be an even greater emphasis, when the Hebrew/Jewish concepts are taught regularly. You mention an anti-christian sentiment. I too have noticed it at times, it is real, but I don’t where it will end up.
Let me know what you are thinking.
ybic,
Bryan
It is a blessing to be able to find such a website on the internet as this. I have bipolar 1 disorder with psychosis. I am also a Christian. I often tell people that in society I am a walking “Oxymoron” LOL I guess my life breaks most every stereo-type there may be but that is awesome and I am learning each day to embrace my differences and us them to honor the Lord and to help others. Thank you for sharing your story and for reaching out to others.
One of my favorite quotes is “Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.” – Soren Kierkegaard
One of the ways the Lord has helped me to deal with the disorder that I have is through acceptance, instead of fighting in vain to avoid suffering I am now learning how to partake in the cup of suffering I have been handed. By doing so I am able to move on with my life rather than become bog down in an endless defeated battle of holding my breath until the storm passes.
Your site is a blessing, I will keep you in my prayers my fellow brother in Christ and sufferer!
nice to know im not the only christian out there who suffers from depression and anxiety , may our god bless you
TY Carey.
I enjoy your website. It has given me much need peace as I work with our bpd daughter.
So glad to hear. It can be a bit overwhelming. And viscious. Fight for peace, and once you have it don’t let go.
dear bryan, thank you for your compassionate writings.. it helps me go through tough times.. got similar diagnosis as yours. I am christian too. God bless you
J, thank you! God’s grace has met me (and you) and isn’t that a wonder!
Dear Bryan, I forgot to thank you for this website. I was so shocked to see that someone else had been through some of the pain I have felt. I thank you for giving me the courage to tell part of my story, I left on your web site on April 17, 2010. I live with Anxiety, depression, degenerative spine disease, Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Gerd and a few other illness. I love my Saviour, He is the reason I live and go on and to help others like us, and help the ones who do not know Him. Please keep writing, you have encouraged me by this site and the e-mails I get. Thanks for giving me a chance to have a voice. You and this ministry are in my prayers. Love in Christ, Kathy
You’re so welcome, Kathy. We need each other, we can’t really make it as a solitary person.
I thought I was alone, I have been saved since 1983, got married lived like June Cleaver raised 2 kids, my youngest went to college, he was the last one to leave the nest. Everything in my past as a little girl, being molested, my mother dying, then having 2 step mothers, I would watch Cinderella and felt I could have played the part better. I have been beat, raped, and was brought up children do not have rights. I hid allot in the closet. So at the age of 45 I started to have flash backs and I would find myself hiding in the closet. I found myself hitting myself and feeling like I was the lowest of the earth. I started drinking wine occasionally, which turned out to drinking 1 large box of cabernet in 3 days. For 3 years I drank all day till I would fall asleep then start again the next day. I still would watch Joyce Meyers almost everyday, trying to stay some how in God’s Word. I would pray and ask God to help me, I felt so….. alone. I have had chronic illness for years, so most people had brushed me off anyway. You know the kind that tell you if you had enough faith I would be healed. It seemed as long as I could play the role of trying to be miss perfect, I was accepted by most people and was highly thought of, anyway I couldn,t take the physical or emotional pain anymore I cut my wrist in 10 places. I needed over 35 stiches to sew me up. I didn’t plan this, my mind just snapped. I just wanted peace. I did know in my heart that if I had died I would be with Jesus. Because of the price He paid for me on the cross. I have cut allot of my story short, I want to say I still deal with depression at times. I have been hospitolized almost 50 times due to many different illness. The few people who found out that I had tried to commit suicide, some told me I had commited the unpardonable sin. I just told them they didn’t know the God I know. God has called me to be a comforter. I have tried to write about 52 years in this space. I’m tired and felt to lazy to look up in the dictionary on some of my words forgive me. Please remember it was the religious groups that God allowed to nail His son to the cross. I believe it is when we are so broken and used up, that is when God knows thats right where He wants us, To be so dependent on Him that what we do In His name will be backed up by the power of the Holy Spirit. People will know when we come or speak it will be in the Name OF THE LORD!!! If I may leave this letter of healing God gave me from the book Letters from Heaven, by Claire Cloninger…..page 101….. Dear Child of mine, I am the God of all comfort. I will hold you in arms of compassion and sing you My healing song of grace. I will touch the wounds within, and in My perfect season, I will lift you from this place of pain. But I want you to know as I am healing you, I also am creating within you a healing ministry of your own. For to be healed by Me is to be made a healer. You see the very comfort that I am working into your broken heart through the power of my My words of the love of My people is meant to be recycled. Someday when your heart has grown strong again, I will send someone into your life who is as broken as you are today. And the compassion I am pouring into you now will flow from you to that hurting soul. You will know how to comfort him because you will have been where he is. You will resonate with his pain. You will reach into the depth of your own healing and love him back to life for Me. What a precious vessel you will be to Me then—a vessel once humbled and hurt, and then healed to be a healer! This is My plan for you, God, 2 Corithians 1:3-4
Hey me and a friend are currently working on a project on this subject for a school project and your article is really useful
Bry, Finally had time to really read your website, what a blessing you are! I’ll check back often, I really appreciate your writings and comments from others. A favorite book of mine is a simple one, called ‘Ya (or You?) Gotta Keep Dancing”, if I remember the author I’ll let you know, it slips my mind right now. It’s on physical pain, which of course chronic pain leads to depression (the brain chemistry is the same).
Keep on brother,
Tami
The author of You Gotta Keep Dancin’ is Tim Hansel and I agree Tami, it is a great book and moving testimony.
I’ve been told that about this book, I’ll see if I can get it on my Kindle.
Bryan,
I am honored to see the feed to my blog posts here on your blog. It is very encouraging to me. Thank you.
It was also an honor to get to know you a little bit here on your blog. Your voice and ministry is valuable to the Body of Christ and I am praying for you.
Peace & grace in Christ.
thanks for letting me know about your site, I will definitely share it. God bless you in your ministry
brian
I am glad you are doing this, Bryan!
Bryan, I paise the Lord that with all the trial and tribulations that you have been through and mental illiness and Religion seems to have always been at odds. I also know that without faith we all are lost and wondering. I believe that sometimes we are aflicted with illiness so that we may guild others. I have lived my whole life in extreem pain, and there are days that I yell at my Lord. It is than that I know that without the things I have dealt with in my life I would have no compassion or understanding that everyone is in some kind of pain and sometimes all it takes to help someone through the day is a kind word.
I know you have memory loss, so I will remind you that I am Debbie, Tony’s mom, who lived with your family through a ruff winter when both your dad, and my husband were ill. Pam, Scot, you, Tony and I had to go and cut the wood for the fire, and even in our poverty it is still one of my favorite times.
UmxcO0 zptkufasotlu
I’m so glad I found your blog. I plan to visit regularly.
That’s great! You’re inspiring me to keep writing, and praying for more direction and guidance for my postings.
ybic,
Bryan
thank you for witing on Borderline Personality Disorder- so many people don’t know what it is and it has been hard for me to explain my diagnosis and behaviour.