Didn’t really sleep last night but an interesting day. Hope it continues to develop in that direction. I really need a good day to come along right now.
Been thinking about paranoia. It comes loaded up with delusions. They are separate words, but when they make that toxic combination it gets strange. Are people out to get me? Probably not. People are by far and away more apt to dismiss me then to plot against me.
Paranoia is the belief in a hidden order behind the visible.
I don’t know why this is such a hard concept to hold on. Paranoia is intensely self-absorbed and egocentric. Everything is conspiring to destroy me is a very foolish way to live. In a culture already overheated by egomania, to offend me becomes a declaration of war. My paranoia makes you a mortal enemy. But to act from that destroys me. I only take it deeper and make it easier to slide into the next time.
Paranoia is not rational. You can not reason with it. (You certainly have my permission.) For me, I win the battle by “displacement”, pushing it out by adding in the presence of Jesus. When I make Him to be the good shepherd, He watches over my thoughts like sheep. He protects me from paranoia’s snares and thorns.
There are times I hear the voices, and see monstrous faces out of the wallpaper. But more often I concoct delusions about people who I feel have slighted me. Paranoia provides plenty of grist for me to grind. I’m learning how to recognize the lies, and the liar who speaks them to me.
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.”
2 Timothy 1:7, AMP
Often I hear what seems like a telegraph, a varying ‘dot-dash-dot.’ It is very loud and obtrusive, but I know now it’s not real. I read a cool quote, that made me laugh, “I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.” -Emo Phillips