I need to be honest and forthcoming. Life has been, let’s just say…interesting the last several weeks. I have been struggling a great deal with delusions and paranoia, two big issues that are part of my mental illness. And I’ve been having ‘absence seizures’ which are bit of a thorn.
Maybe I ‘over-think’ these things? But spiritually, I am growing. My prayer life and time with the Word has been very good. I’m growing in Him, and in confidence of His love for me. I even have been told, that I’m writing well. Yet I’m perplexed, mystified by these delusions that seem to come from nowhere.
Some of them are persecution based. I imagine that people are plotting to discredit me. The delusions are very slippery and evasive and they are difficult to explain. The paranoia works the same way, all I see is elaborate traps are being made in a concentrated effort to ruin me. It feels, hostile. I feel that I’m being victimized. And there are people who want to hurt me.
All of these issues have an effect of making me feel that I am spinning ‘out-of-control,’ like a clown on roller-skates at the circus. I am embarrassed by what they do to me, and feel stupid. I feel bizarre, as if my skin suddenly turned incandescent blue. I have a vague but real sense that I’m not appropriate, but I just can’t seem to be normal. I must remember to take my meds. And pray.
On the positive side, the Word especially the Psalms, is protecting me more than ever. I have a special delight for Psalms, and I’ve been voraciously digesting them. I also find myself almost unconsciously rejecting each delusion as it becomes known. It seems to be a sort of a “cleansing” process and I have to believe it is the Holy Spirit actively protecting me.
So, in the dark, I will sing His praises and read His precious Word. I no longer do it for theological reasonings, or to put a check mark next on a reading program. It’s more medicinal, or therapeutic. The Bible cleanses me as if it were a dialysis machine filtering my blood. I read them to stay alive.
I don’t know why I keep producing these delusions, but the Holy Spirit nullifies each one before they can damage me or others.
So dear “Brokenbeliever.com” reader, I would simply ask you to be kinder and more understanding to those around you with mental illnesses, they really need you right now. Let them know that there is a real hope. Also, I believe each one will contribute something vital to the Body (sort of like a pancreas or a gall bladder, lol.) I am sure God has placed them into the Church deliberately to serve the fellowship through their illness. God is big enough to do that. And He loves us enough to insist on this.
“The sum of your word is truth, and every one of your righteous rules endures forever.”
For something similar: http://brokenbelievers.com/ministry-for-the-mentally-ill/
- Paranoia in Bipolar Disorder (everydayhealth.com)
- The Curse of Social Isolation (brokenbelievers.com)
- Psychosis and Bipolar Disorder (everydayhealth.com)