Tag Archives: personal comments

Feb 23 2012

Wrestling with Pythons: Clinical Depression

“I have studiously tried to avoid ever using the word ‘madness’ to describe my condition. Now and again, the word slips out, but I hate it. …’Madness’ is too glamorous a term to convey what happens to most people who are losing their minds. That word is too exciting, too literary, too interesting in its connotations, to convey the boredom, the slowness, the dreariness, the dampness of depression.”
                                    

Elizabeth Wurtzel, From Book “Prozac Nation”

I never really saw my illness stripped bare of everything, standing naked before me. I’ll admit it is interesting at first, but oh so dull and tedious afterwards. My depression has become like a cheap whore, in a red mini skirt. At first, your interest is piqued by the novelty and the outrageousness of her, but once you get up close, face-to-face, she is ugly and sad. Her face is haggard and worn, and she smells like cheap whisky, stale cigarettes and too much perfume.

I think it is fairly typical for us, to want to know that something is special about us. There’s a strange, perverse gratification when we find out our diagnosis. But really, deep down and soon to be quite obvious… she’s really nasty.

snake1

Depression is trying to kill you

Ugly and mean, she wraps herself around you, like an Amazon python. Her muscles relax and contract, dulling you into a daze, and soon you can’t move; you’re immobilized. You are at her mercy and she intends to devour you.

Depression has completely lost its romantic flair for me, and all I see is ugliness and sadness. A life full of hollowness and black, bitter nastiness. In our old farmhouse, the cellar was extremely frightening to me, and even with the lights on it was awful. I always ran for dear life up the steps, shaking and heart pounding with terror. It was dark, damp and a strange place.  Evil was down there, and it wanted to destroy me.

I don’t know what’s going to happen next. But I am older and have become a realist, and you know what?  I’m still afraid of the dark and I must run to Jesus.

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Feb 20 2012

Many Sons!

“For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering.”

Hebrews 2:10, ESV

“God is the One who made all things, and all things are for his glory. He wanted to have many children share his glory, so he made the One who leads people to salvation perfect through suffering.”

Hebrews 2:10, NCV

There is a definite complexity is embedded in this verse. It’s a regular “theological minefield.” But that shouldn’t stop us, but we should work our way through it with cautiousness and awareness. But there is the compelling question.

How did Christ learn obedience through suffering when he was already perfect?

Christ was human and “tempted in all points as we are and yet perfect and without sin,” and thus Christ was sinless.  The humanity of Jesus can be seen throughout the gospels. He hungered, and he got thirsty. We see him very tired, and sleeping in the back of a boat in a storm, which reveals his humanity. “He committed no sin, neither was their deceit found in his mouth” (1 Peter 2:22).

Only humans need to learn obedience. And all of us have faltered. Yet he didn’t. He had to learn, but He didn’t fail. As a man, He met every issue and every obstacle with a solid and a profound obedience. He learned how to obey, but without any failure, or fault.

In every person’s life, we are challenged to obey. There are so many twists and turns, and each of us has stumbled. It can be quite painful. We are also learning “obedience through our suffering.” It seems trials and suffering are the tutors teaching us about out Father, and His kingdom.

A Christian believer in Iraq.

This thought, “bringing many sons to glory” is of significant consideration. It reveals the intent and purpose of Jesus coming and doing all of this. He wanted to open the doors for all those who come to salvation. In a direct way, His intention was to become our escort, or safeguard to make a way for us into the Presence.

The words, “many sons,” shows the breadth and width of His work. It is considerable. The idea of “sons” is just as astonishing. We are not slaves, forced to labor in the quarries or mines. We are sons and daughters, His children. Eternity is too short of time, I suppose, for us to hold and occupy this kind of glory.

“They strengthened the believers. They encouraged them to continue in the faith, reminding them that we must suffer many hardships to enter the Kingdom of God.”

Acts 14:22, NLT

“If we accept suffering, we will also rule with him. If we say we don’t know him, he will say he doesn’t know us.”

2 Timothy 2:12, NCV

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Feb 18 2012

I Don’t Have the Slightest

“Ah yes, the Shroud of Turin! We will have to dry clean it before we return it.”

Inspector Clouseau, (Upon discovering stolen artifacts) in The Pink Panther 2

I honestly think that our bumbling attempts to follow Jesus are entertaining angels who watch our efforts and shake their heads in astonishment. ” Did you see what Bryan just did?”  I guess I’m the “Inspector Clouseau of the spiritual realm.”  Clumsy and very much oblivious, I bungle my way down the path of discipleship, without a clue. It seems when something right happens, I still end up butchering it.

We  have experienced so much, been given so much light, and yet we consistently choose to trade it for a lie. For the most part, I don’t sin automatically, I choose it, consciencely and deliberately.  People don’t sin because they feel they have to. We sin because we like the pleasure it brings. We sin because it feels nice. We sin because it brings a thrill to our bodies, fleeting satisfaction to our souls and excitement to the boredom of our everyday lives.  We sin because we believe the lie that the pleasure it brings, though passing (Heb. 11:25), is more satisfying than the pleasure obedience brings.

The issues I have are medical and psychological.  I have chronic Hepatitis C.  I survived a brain tumor and I need to walk with a cane.  I do have a bad case of Bipolar disorder. I have some struggles with paranoid delusions and social anxiety. These are forgivable and God gives me buckets of grace.  I know first-hand his agape love for me.

But he cannot bless disobedience and rebellion.  When we announce to the world that “Jesus is Lord” we can expect God will hold our feet to the fire over this.  The Holy Spirit will not negotiate when we suddenly decide we are hungry for sin.  Apprehended by grace, we must fully surrender all claim we have to sample sin’s delights.

In the middle of my psychiatric issues, I must remember joy.  I can not imagine being without it.  I’ve been clinically depressed to the point of suicide many times.  But God gives me joy in my darkness.  “The joy of the Lord is your strength.” (Nehemiah)

Feb 13 2012

Some of My Paintings

by Bryan Lowe

Here are some, I hope that they bless you somehow.  All were painted out of a long season of deep depression.  Painting these (and a lot of others) was the only thing that kept me sliding off the edge.  Some might ask, how can you create these out of your Bipolar Disorder?  To be honest, I am just as mystified as you.

One of my favorites.

“An artist has been defined as a neurotic who continually cures himself with his art.”  (Lee Simonson)

The Bipolar Mind
Three Crows Having Lunch

All of these paintings have been given to various non-profit organizations, for the handicapped and the mentally ill.  To me, that is the place they belong.

“If you have two loaves of bread, keep one to nourish the body, but sell the other to buy hyacinths for the soul.”  (Herodotus)

Kachemak Bay, with moonlight
Straight on view
Doing my best, and feeling my worst.  I make no pretense to being an “artist” so if you don’t care for these paintings I will understand.  But for me one painting is worth 20 Zoloft.

This was painted when things were really bad.

May God’s presence come near to you today and may you understand his outlandish love for you.

“Artists are just as important as doctors and nurses. People need nourishing of their souls as well as their bodies; in Navajo culture the word for ‘medicine man’ and the ‘artist’ are one and the same.”  (Marni California)

Feb 11 2012

A Comment From a Reader: “The Battle is Fierce”

The following email conversation took place recently. The topic was the post, entitled, “Loneliness and Depression are Best Friends.”

I offer it to you today as an encouragement to you. If you want to, you may send me your own reply to this person, and I’ll forward it to them.

http://brokenbelievers.com/2012/02/10/when-loneliness-meets-depression/

********

A Comment to BrokenBelievers,

Submitted on 2012/02/10 at 2:59 a comment,

“I totally agree to that title and most of the content. But in fact, my conclusion is that it might be the best to die”.

Cause not only oneself isolates from the others, the others do the same with oneself. And among the worst “helpers” are people from churches.
(Still) being a believer, I asked for support in my church. Nothing happend. I asked at other Christian places. Guess what happend. Nothing.
In a real psychic crisis (not a physical one), even christian people tend to let you alone. It is better to face that and commit suicide.”

***************

Submitted on 2012/02/10 at 8:19 am | In reply to w******.

Oh dear one, three things…
1) You are in the cross hairs of the enemy. Satan is getting into your head, and it is vicious isn’t it? He isn’t fair or truthful in his efforts. Satan and God are opposites, just as God loves you intensely…Satan hates you passionately.

2) Even in Church we need to build our friendships. They are not automatic, even with so much commonality between saints. There’s a proverb that talks about if you want friends you need to be friendly. That requires that you “double” your efforts. By the way, everyone loves a servant. Often friendship will develop out of your servanthood. I know this is not what you signed up for.

3) The majority of church people haven’t a clue about mental illness, depression or anxiety. They often don’t truly understand how disabling our illness is, even as a believer. It’s a good thing to read, talk, and drink coffee with the few that seem “to get it,” or almost get it.

I believe you will walk through this season of conflict. You will make it through. One of my favorite verses,

“Who is that coming up from the wilderness,
leaning on her beloved?” Song of Sol. 8:5

The world is a wilderness, the presence of Jesus is so close, but we must lean! We have to take His grace as far as we can.

Praying today,
Bryan

***********

There is so much in that first initial comment from the reader. I certainly know that they are not unique, nor are they alone. It is a heated battle, and sometimes it seems we have one hand tied behind our back. Endurance only comes by enduring, unfortunately. Phil. 1:6 has kept me personally from much frustration.

“There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.”

Phil. 1:6, MSG.

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Feb 10 2012

Loneliness and Depression Are Best Friends

Depression and loneliness walk hand-in-hand.  When one of them pays a visit, the other is ready to join in.  Often when we try to deal with our loneliness we’ll find depression just around the corner waiting. How ironic is this?

Depressed people tend to suffer in silence and isolate themselves from the outside world. When you are depressed, you feel less motivated to go out, make contact, socialize or participate in activities, or doing anything at all. Days, even weeks can go by without wanting to see anyone or talk to anyone and this aggravates feelings of isolation. Often depressed people do not want to talk about their problem or simply feel misunderstood.

Similarly, prolonged and intense feelings of loneliness can lead to depression. Treating the symptoms of depression is likely to resolve the problem of loneliness. If the reasons of loneliness are well understood (this requires some soul-searching and questioning oneself) and if methods of overcoming loneliness are applied, it is very likely that symptoms of depression will become less or disappear.

Beating depression or loneliness does not start with having more friends, or a relationship, although it can help. It really starts from within and is a process that takes time and care. Asking the right questions and doing the right things as part of this process is one of the keys to healing. Humans go through life in patterns by doing the same thing over and over again. Even in different situations, these patterns will be repeated and simply generate the same results.

A pattern is a repeated response to a situation in life or a series of activities that are repeated over and over again. They are formed by what we have learned from the past, what we know now, what we feel comfortable with and what our beliefs and values are. If any of these remain unchanged we become “fixed” in our ways. That’s why many of us have a hard time making lasting changes. The challenge is to break a pattern and gain new, life-changing insights.

It is a good thing to know that Jesus Christ sees and understands.  But its good to have someone with skin on.  Someone you can see and touch.  Thats precisely why we have the Church.  People who believe and touch each other deeply, helping each other up.  Loneliness does not do very well in the true Body of Christ.

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