When You’re Out of Control (A Reblog from 2013)

Originally written August 29, 2013 and shared today hoping it will bless someone.

 

“I’m must show myself; things are not going well, to be honest.  I’m becoming more and more fragmented.  And I can’t seem to hold it together.  Essentially, I mentally can’t keep it centered on the things I know are right and appropriate. My mind is in a muddle, and my heart is not far behind.

I can’t go on like this.  I have to confess that I’m spinning out of control.  There are too many issues that hammer me, without any resolution or finality.  I need a “booster shot” of grace. (Perhaps, maybe an I.V. would be better.)

All I want is to escape, and to shake off these ‘parasites’ that sap me of any strength I might generate.  Far too many things are draining me of any vitality and hope.  Despair and despondency have suddenly shown up at my door, but I treat them as unwelcomed visitors, and hope they will leave me alone.  All they want to do is take me apart, and dismantle me, and I seldom advance beyond this. I haven’t invited them.

This simple blog has kept me going.  The posts that I write are sincere, and I know for a fact they touch many hearts.  I’m astonishingly grateful for this.  But they can’t minimize my own issues.  I am constantly on the edge, a step one way or another could push into a desperate fall. (Funny, I’m starting to scare myself.)

I have a deep confidence in Jesus.  I believe that he loves me in the most intense way possible.  I trust in his deliberate and careful love.  Resting in his arms is the very best thing I could do.  He is the only one who can lead me through my mental illness.  Or to give me the grace to move above it.

I do not want to offend or alienate anyone.  That simply is not what I am about.  But I simply can not try to take Brokenbelievers much further in this ‘frame of mind.’  I will try to post as often as I can– but both my therapist and psychiatrist want me to go into a hospital.  I have already been there several times and I do not want to be admitted any time soon.

The next several days should be interesting.  I’m definitely committed to avoiding hospitalization.  The “professionals” I trust are trying to commit me, but I do intend to make a scrap of it.  “I will not go lightly.”

Please try to be patient with me.  I want to post, it runs through my veins.  But I simply don’ t  have the resources that extend into transparency and clarity.  Please forgive me. There’s is no way I can make this work without avoiding a “shutdown.” We will see.

***

kyrie elesion, Bryan

(Lord, have mercy on us.)

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Author: Pastor Bryan Lowe

A repentant rascal with definite issues, but who is seeking to be authentic in his faith to Jesus Christ. An avid reader and a hopeful writer. Husband and father. A pastor and Bible teacher. A brain tumor survivor. Diagnosed with clinical depression, and now disabled. Enjoys life, such as it is, in Alask.a (Actually I have it pretty good.)

11 thoughts on “When You’re Out of Control (A Reblog from 2013)”

  3. Bryan,

    You bring comfort to me daily. I pray you are where you should be. Being mentally is hard, and no one wants to be in the hospital. All I can say is May grace be with you, safety is a must, may God get you feeling better. Your web page serves as a rock in a choppy ocean.

    Your brother in Christ

    Gary

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    1. TY for your encouraging words. I hope I wasn’t misunderstood. The post today was a reblog from 2013. I’ve actually been doing ok lately, but I’ll take all the prayer I can get. :-)

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  4. Bryan, I am praying for His grace to be sufficient as you struggle with this thorn, perhaps a whole thorn bush it may seem. I pray for wisdom and clarity for you. Peace, YSIC, Linda

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    1. Well, I hate to tell you this, but it’s a well-worn path, through the mental health apparatus. I have excellent contacts that I trust and respect, all the way to Anchorage. All I have to do day or night is make a call, and they are there. Our community is far different than others. What a blessing.

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  7. Bryan, Many days your blogging keeps me going. Isn’t that something how God works. We relate so often. We are all joined together yet in separate places. God knows and sees that. God Bless.

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  8. Bryan, may the Lord direct you into the love of God and the steady way of Christ. He is our mutual hope, big enough for all our chaos and swirling darkness.

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