“So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body.”
Ephesians 4:25, NLT
I intend to be simple. I am worried and distressed by my own confusion and a simple disorientation about my own detachment to what is spiritual. I confess a trust in Him, but am wary of an evil attachment to things that take me away from Him. I know this sounds confusing, please bear with me.
I turn to Him, and yet I know that I know that a small part of me does not really belong to Him. I want to belong, but am conscious that I just don’t work into the Kingdom. I am a liability. I quickly will admit to some confusion, but I have no real intention to deceive anyone. I desperately want to be His, but I’m aware of issues that would defy such a connection.
I have an incredible infatuation with Jesus, and His teaching. He is the most amazing man to step out out of the ‘river’ of the human race. I see in Him so much, and deep down I want to fall on my knees and worship Him. The things He did are honestly the most sublime in the history of man. He is astonishing.
And yet, I continue to struggle. I see all of this and yet I’m confronted with my own issues. I know what I would like to be. But if I press, I begin to short-circuit. I do, certainly turn it over to Him. But I also am aware of a certain antipathy or rebellion (although that word seems too harsh) against the whole idea of grace. I can not figure ‘grace’ out. Grace perplexes me. It is the ‘Gordian Knot’ of the entire human race.
But I do connect with Him. My bipolar would quickly render me a traitor. I vacillate much more then the average person. Ultimately, I do turn and trust Him. He has led me to a wonderful place. If it is all a delusion, then so be it. But I will still believe in Him who gave Himself for me.
If that makes me a disciple, then so be it. But I know I am the least of His. I guess faith would venture more. But I scrape up all that I have and a saving hope it is enough. I look at the accounts of Him and am pretty much astonished. Jesus did things, consistently, above others before Him and after Him. He is quite exceptional.
I am a follower. I will struggle, and then have to deal with that sin. But I do believe and intend to keep believing. I only wish I was more consistent. I sometime wonder that in the “Book of Life’ if my name would include an asterisk. (“Made it, but by the skin on his teeth.”)
Don’t fret, I am under His hand. He deals with me, and fully intends to lead me, home. I so do want that. If on that Day, you hear someone hollering, it will be me back in the 715,426,488th row, shouting ‘I am finally here”, in the fellowship of heaven.
Some will understand this:
“He who has this disease called Jesus will never be cured.”
- Imperfection (thisbeautifulchaos.wordpress.com)
- We Might Be an Innovative Species, But Boy, Are We Lost! (bootslebaronsworld.wordpress.com)
- Prayers for Each Hour of the Day (frted.wordpress.com)
- The Bigger Picture (brightstar2911.wordpress.com)
- The Rich Ruler (lifereference.wordpress.com)