Untangle Me, Again

gordian-knot
“The Lord who rescued me from the claws of the lion and the bear will rescue me from this Philistine!”

Words of David, 1 Samuel 17:37

I wrote this post 21 years ago. To look back has been very helpful.

“In recent weeks I’ve gone through a time of profound confusion. My grip on reality has been tenuous at best. I’ve had a struggle with a depersonalizing sense, I seem not to “see” reality as I used to. Everything seems increasingly odd, and disjointed. I see myself outside myself. Everything is knotted up.”

“I have had bouts with this before. And yet every time the Father has “fathered” me. I have been led through each bout. In many ways, the clinical depression has changed, now it slams. It used to be kind of low grade—a grey fog, a steady and tedious despair, but now its more like a black lightning bolt.”

“I have had suicidal urges and thinking. I hate handling a kitchen knife, as I get the urge to plunge it into my chest. It’s funny like that, I call out to Jesus and He truly does find me. He straightens out my knotted life has only He can.”

“This blog initially started off in September 2009 following the idea of “broken believers.” Perhaps it was overly ambitious. But my heart’s desire is to be transparent and very honest. I still want to see this happen, and it does, sometimes.

I know I am no super saint with just the right answer for everyone. If I ever made this impression, please forgive me.

You see, I am the broken believer behind this blog.

 

 

Author: Pastor Bryan Lowe

A repentant rascal with definite issues, but who is seeking to be authentic in his faith to Jesus Christ. An avid reader and a hopeful writer. Husband and father. A pastor and Bible teacher. A brain tumor survivor. Diagnosed with clinical depression, and now disabled. Enjoys life, such as it is, in Alask.a (Actually I have it pretty good.)

13 thoughts on “Untangle Me, Again”

  1. your website was a real source of comfort and help to me during a time of depression and anxiety, and continues to bless me now I am feeling better. God has used you to encourage believers all round the world – I’m from Southampton, England. You may not see it at the moment but the grace of Christ is so tangible in your life, so hang in there. Holding you in my prayers,

    Like

  2. Thank you for being so transparent. I know I’m not in this alone, completely bittersweet feeling since I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone.

    Sending you prayers of healing and peace.

    “He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.” Psalm 91:4

    Like

  3. Pingback: Wrestling with the Pythons of Clinical Depression | Broken Believers ♥

  5. That depersonilization stuff is scary. One feels like a ghost or a dream where you just keep falling with nothing to hold onto. Im glad that you have so many sources of help. Lord knows we need all of it at different times in our life. Alot of people are praying. You are also helping many by being so open.

    Like

  6. Thank you for sharing… thinking of and praying for you.

    God is our stronghold

    The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.

    The LORD “is” my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, “and” my high tower

    Like

  7. So thankful for you, Pastor B. This was on my calendar today:
    “And the righteous cry out, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of ALL their troubles.” Psalm 34:17 Praying for you.

    Like

  8. Bryan, Were you not such a blessing to other broken believer in your honesty, then the devil would not slam you with doubt and suicidal thoughts. I hope you cling to the truth that it is a small price to pay – much smaller than the price Jesus paid for your salvation and mine – to struggle honestly so that you may point others to the grace of our Lord as your rock. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Peace, Linda

    Like

  9. My stream of consciousness won’t stop so I have to stop it long enough to let you now how much I appreciate your teachings and ability to allow the Holy Spirit to convey the messages He gives you. You are truly a blessing to myself and others and thanks for keeping it real.

    Like

  10. God bless you, Bryan. God’s peace to you today, in Jesus’ precious name. Your honesty is a gift.

    “Father, continue to protect your dear Bryan, in Jesus’ name.”

    Like

  11. Jesus, be with Bryan today. Lift him up out of the mire, Lord. Keep the enemy away from him. Surround him with your angels. Fill him with peace.

    Like

Comments are closed.