I feel good, too good— and it concerns me.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, I’ve been down this road before. I guess this is my big issue with Bipolar Disorder (BP); its unpredictability, the way you fluctuate. You get up in the morning and you immediately have to start analyzing your mood. “Am I more depressed than I was yesterday, or I am speeding up?” For BP persons we never can be too sure. We are always in a state of flux or movement. As BPs who are believers in Jesus, it seems like we have broke “every rule in the book.” This disorder almost demands hypocrisy– which instills a lot of guilt and shame.
About 35 years ago, a visiting pastor to our church came up to me and prophesied. This was long before I was diagnosed with Bipolar. I can’t remember much, but I do recall him saying, “You are as unstable as water”. I tell you, I was quite concerned about this; and to make it worse I put a real negative spin on it. It was stability that we emulated, and frankly, water is not the best metaphor to describe your life. Rock, yes. Water, well… not so much.
But I can see now that instability has made me a deeper, more tolerant person. I give a lot of latitude to other’s shortcomings. I know how difficult it is to process life and to face issues. Because I do this “yo-yo” thing, I can accept inconsistency as a normal part of life. I realize that I’m not perfect, nor is anyone else I know, but I’m learning to make allowances for it. Sometimes, just being aware is half the battle. And I suppose, understanding God’s grace would be the other.
On a practical level, I’ve also determined that caffeine really can activate me. The anxiety and mania really intensifies when I load up on my ‘vanilla lattes.’ Coffee elevates me up almost to the point of being superhuman, but I also get real flaky. I get terribly self-conscious and paranoid. But, sometimes it’s a real hoot! (Sorry, but man, I do love my coffee.)
Well, I’m running out of things to comment about, and I’m thinking that I’ve said quite enough. But, if you’re struggling today, please let me know. I will pray for you and connect back on some level. Whatever your issue, we are in this together. God answers everyone who calls to Him.
12 “And I want you to know, my dear brothers and sisters, that everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News. 13 For everyone here, including the whole palace guard, knows that I am in chains because of Christ. 14 And because of my imprisonment, most of the believers here have gained confidence and boldly speak God’s message without fear.”
Philippians 1:12-14, NLT
- Bipolar Advantages – No Longer If, But Why And How (medfinder.wordpress.com)
- Stroking Bipolar (bipolarcircus.wordpress.com)
- On Surviving Bipolar Disorder (tearlines.wordpress.com)
- Just the Beginning (bipolarissurvivable.wordpress.com)