Philippians 1:6, CEB
I was ‘saved’ in my early twenties. With that salvation came a sense of what really was true. And perhaps a real hope of what life could become. I’m now 55, I can only shake my head. It certainly has not been as rosy as I first thought. I blame myself, and go on to understand that maybe this is the way it was supposed to turn out.
But my walk with Jesus has been real. I haven’t given up on my pitiful faith and I haven’t apostatized. And yet I am aware of a confusion, and a disconnectedness that is a bit odd. I sort of realize that my soul has been hunted, and that I’m vulnerable.
But I can’t let go of Him who I call Savior. It certainly has not been easy. Sometimes it seems that I am perhaps the most troubled of all His followers. I’m sure some of you might understand.
You see, I have a disease called “loving Jesus” from which know I will never recover.
The promises that have been given to me can’t be diminished or revoked. He has dedicated Himself to reaching me. I’ve been told that He not only plucks me out of my darkness, but His intention is to heal and balance me. My confusion is not enough to sidetrack His will.
I don’t know what my future holds. But to be honest, I don’t anticipate anything magical, or some fantastically creative spirituality. I do not think things will suddenly get bright all of a sudden. But I can tell you this much, that I will never turn from His grace or goodness. I hang on them as a shipwrecked man clings to a log, out in the middle of the ocean.
I am most unorthodox, I know. I do not fit the mold of the average believer. I am too blunt, direct and disconnected. I have considerable issues, compounded by my mental illness. But I do know Jesus. He has come to save the broken-hearted, and come as a physician to a very sick soul. I trust Him to fix me. In 2 Timothy 1:7, Paul writes us:
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
It seems we stand on the threshold of a real and authentic life. For some, we must work especially hard to understand this walk of authentic discipleship. Unquestionably, we must trust in His love. But being stable and established will not save us. (Although, it would be nice). Salvation has always been by grace through faith.
My dysfunctional life doesn’t incur His rejection, the opposite is true. He loves losers, and looks especially on losers who know they are very lost.
I especially want to encourage my brothers and sisters who struggle with a mental illness. You’ve been dealt a severe blow. Others will never understand your “limp.” But Jesus does. You have a gift to bring to the table. He can pour much more grace into you. Don’t be discouraged by the resistance coming out of your thinking. You are especially His. He holds you with a transforming love.