I guess I’m in a wandering/wondering frame of mind. I’ve been hearing voices off and on. They are clear, distinct and I suppose rather commanding. Previously I’ve dealt with ‘tinnitus’, but this is definitely different. The voices are not incredibly sophisticated–its usually just one or two words. Quite simple actually.
Perhaps the full reason of why this is a problem, because I wonder about some sort of ‘mental degradation’.
- Am I getting worse?
- Are the ‘voices’ the sign of the end for me?
- Will they take over?
- Will I turn into a blathering idiot?
- Could they be ‘demonic’ or worse?
I have this image of a stark raving crazy guy, hung up on religion and ‘right-wing extremism’, foaming at the mouth and ‘heading for a bunker up in the mountains.’ But I am none of these things. Maybe that’s why it scares me so. I cannot relate to any of this, and I don’t want to. I am not that person. This is not me.
The voices by themselves, not extrapolating their content, are disruptive enough. They don’t have to be specific, all they have to be is loud and insistent. It really doesn’t matter if I obey them. They disrupt me just by speaking. (I hope they never decide to expand their vocabulary!)
I have a new insight to my brothers and sisters who struggle with schizophrenia/bipolar. Many are on the streets, and they are desperately homeless. On almost a ‘medieval’ level they battle with dragons. Sometimes they push back the beastie, and then sometimes they themselves are slammed back. But no matter what will happen that day, God’s love meets the warrior, and He lifts them up.
Voices. These are not dredged up, or manipulated. I definitely do not ‘manufacture’ them. I certainly not doing this for attention. But when they do press me (with an order or command) I do know that it is an alien voice, coming from outside of me. I know the presence of Jesus pushes them away. I call on His name and they flee.
I have to believe, that God is holding on to me with both hands.
He will not let me slide into the night, alone. He has determined that darkness will never claim me. I turn as I can, to look at Him, face-to-face by faith. “He has come to heal the broken-hearted. A bruised reed, He will not break. A smoking wick, He will not quench” (Isa. 43:3). What an awesome promise! We serve a gentle and protective God.
There may (or may not) be spiritual warfare issues. I believe that there is a magnificent power in the name of Jesus. The blood and the cross are for my protection. I shelter in all He is and all He has done, If anything, they push me toward the Lord Jesus and He protects me.