There are times, difficult times when we are maneuvered into a place where we start to think that suicide is an answer. There is a certain mechanism to it, almost an art, which has a limited “air-time.”. But I have several suicide attempts to my credit. Once in a psych ward (and being watched 24/7) I cut my wrists on the broken shards of the clock over my bed. (Looking back, it was pretty innovative the way I did it.)
I’ve intentionally overdosed a couple of times. My last effort was to duct tape heavy training weights to drown myself in Kachemak Bay, off a pier. Numerous times I have slashed my wrists trying very hard to die.
I suppose that for these many attempts there was a distinct and desperate cry for help. When I went into the cycle of wrist cutting, I did not have a full and an aware understanding of what I was trying to do. But when I attempt to drown myself, I most definitely did. Perhaps there is an understanding of the two different concepts of suicidal depression. (But I’ve chosen not to ‘research’ this out.)
Although there is room to be alarmed by the first kind. There is reason to be mega-concerned with the second approach. I guess there is kind of a morbid graduation from one phase to the next. (I may speak brazenly, but I know it is a dark thing we talk about.)
To commit suicide is perhaps the ultimate act of vengeance that we can do.
It is final and yet speaks to everyone we’ve ever met It also is a hard statement to all we used to love. Family, and friends; I guess we often can’t inventory or enumerate those we touch. So many people will be affected by my suicide. I can’t overstate this. There are literally thousands of people who will be rocked by what I have done. I will destroy many when I try to destroy myself.
The pain of the mind of the suicidal depressive is awful. It saturates all that I think and everything I do. The suicide person is in a difficult agony. It’s like being soaked in gasoline and looking around for a match. There is a fearfulness about it all. If we were not so enamored by ‘self-murder’ it would shake us to our core.
So very many are on the edge. It really wouldn’t take much to nudge us over. There must be an understanding that there is a spiritual element to all of this. The enemy of our souls would delight in our destruction. He salivates over our confusion and lostness. He is a dark cheerleader in support of our self-destruction.
We must work things out, even with our darkest issues. We really need to “regrip” and refocus. Often a good nights sleep and a good meal will incrementally move us through this moment. This may be trite, but resisting suicidal thinking will often turn on small things like this.
To be honest, patience seems to be the main factor to recovery. It seldom is a dramatic leap forward. It seems that certain nuances will push themselves against dark thinking. As you are led by the Holy Spirit, you will discover exactly how to drive against this strong momentum of the Flesh. Know this though– the Lord is actively at work on behalf of your loved one. This should give you a honest peace and assurance. You will survive, and you will bring Him glory.
For immediate help, call 911. For guidance, call 1-888-NEEDHIM.
Related articles
- Who Is At Risk For Suicide? (mcssg.wordpress.com)
- Suicide (socyberty.com)
- Good lies for my suicide scars. (ask.metafilter.com)
- Suicide Myths- (mcssg.wordpress.com)
Broken Believers 
Dear Pastor Bryan this is a very timely post and I wondered if you have reposted from an earlier time as the comments date back some time.
You must be thinking it is necessary again and I believe it is… I have posted here on your blog before, both under my name and anonymously to describe the pain I experience moment by moment….hour by hour and day by day… week by week and month by month…year after year..
I really appreciate your understanding of the agony of being constantly suicidal, it is excruciatingly painful and as I read your blog on it you accurately describe it as it is, constant pain like being doused in petrol and awaiting the match…it is such a good analogy and your humanity just radiates out …I too am in this dark dark place constantly asking others if God would forgive me going “home” early. The consensus seems to be “No… He would not..”. The only comfort I can find though seems to be in the thought of stopping the pain somehow, anyhow…which is what suicide surely is… a way of stopping the pain… I am not writing this very well……Your blog is so thoughtful and generous of help when you yourself are in such pain…dear brother… i try to hand it over to God and believe that He alone knows and understands… I draw comfort from the fact that He came for sinners not the righteous and for the sick not the well… I am both a great sinner and a very broken and mentally unwell soul..too much to write about but just so so deep… thank you dear Bryan… for staying here and keeping posting your beautiful posts…. I do try to pray for you and the others…I connect to your comment about those we “used to love” .. I am so devoid of all but pain there is no feeling of love for anyone and I wonder if there ever was…Thank you for your kindness and love… God bless you dear friend…
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My heart and prayers go out to anybody struggling with suicidal thoughts. I have been dealing with it all my life and also lost my younger brother to suicide ten years ago. It is a very real and difficult thing to deal with, but God’s grace is sufficient even for that. I pray that anyone struggling would find the help they need in the world and find relief in Christ and His Holy Spirit.
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Thanks Pastor Bryan, for all your dedication during this year. Your blog always brings me hope as I strive to understand and bring hope to my teen daughter who is bipolar.
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Please pray for me, Bryan. A friend took his own life either last night or early today. It is so sad.
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I will, dear one. Count on it.
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thanks for this – not something that gets talked about often, despite the people going through it, desperately needing to. And thank you for the reminder that recovery takes patience – days of it, months of it, years of it – it’s so easy to get frustrated – but it gets easier. With God, it’s easier.
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Thank you, Bryan, for sharing this.
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It was a bit harrowing, as the post developed. I guess I was on thin ice through this one.
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Thank you Pastor B, for describing it so well and also for the hope of Jesus working on our and our loved ones behalf. Before knowing Him, this was me and I tried twice to end my life. The pull was very strong. Praising Him that His pull is even stronger!
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And we can’t forget that, His presence is stronger then my despair.
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A tuna fish sandwich has worked wonders for me.
Keep keeping the faith, Brother.
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But I prefer a tuna melt, myself. Hey, miss you but am glad your busy.
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I’ll have to try that tuna melt next time. :grin:
I miss you, too, my beloved Brother. The training is going fairly well so far; I just have to get past the paperwork and the red tape (if I can).
Hang in there, Brother. You are always in my thoughts and my heart prays for you constantly.
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