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The Rigidity of Evil

I have a heart--but it is broken and crushed.
I have a heart–but it is broken and crushed.

Today I realized that I was sick and very tired of myself. It’s really not disgust, or even loathing. It’s more like a weariness, an exhaustion. I’ve never felt this way. In a strange way it intrigues me. Could this definite disenchantment mean something spiritual? Does it have value, or am I just feeling self-absorbed or conceited?

There is a real rigidity to evil. As I have seen it– sin hardens all who touch it, plain and simple. My growing immobility disturbs me, as I know I’m developing a “hardness of heart.” Atherosclerosis is a condition of a sick heart where arteries become blocked. It’s also known as “hardening of the heart, or arteries.” It is a patient killer, slowly and surely making hard deposits that block the flow of blood.

The Bible speaks about having a hard heart. It also uses the metaphor of fallow ground that must be plowed up. Jesus used the same image in His “Parable of the Sower” in Matthew 13.

“A sower went out to sow. 4 And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them. 5 Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they did not have much soil, and immediately they sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, 6 but when the sun rose they were scorched. And since they had no root, they withered away. 7 Other seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. 8 Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain.”

There are only four real options.

  • The first is seed that never arrives.
  • The second lands on hard stones.
  • The third possibility is landing on thorns and thistles.
  • Only the fourth flourishes.

    Heart of Stone Heart of Flesh
    The Battle of the Heart

The question I have is this, can the hard soil become soft, and can the good soil become overgrown with thistles? Is this a static, set experience? Or could it be far more fluid? I seem to move from one soil condition to another.

I have found that my own  heart drifts. Manic Depression is a mental illness where emotions fluctuate constantly. They gallivant around, floating here and than there. I maybe depressed and suicidal in the morning, and then I can be euphoric in the evening. It’s having the identity of a “wandering star.”

I want my heart to soften. I want to sit with Jesus and hear His words. I need Him to share what He is thinking about. Any sin I entertain has a hardening effect in my spiritual heart. This really scares me. *


ybic, Bryan


10 thoughts on “The Rigidity of Evil”

  1. Thank you for this. Your message is so good and speaks such truth. God bless you. God is the only constant. The world can disappoint us and we so often disappoint ourselves. But God remains true. I know those feelings exactly, I have actually described my feelings just in the way you have, and to me that is evidence that we are all connected and Christ is the one who brings good out of things no one else can. I feel understood and hopeful knowing that we can all support each other and point each other towards Christ when we feel too weak to stand alone. No one should be alone. I have described feeling tired of being me, just tired of myself, not tired of people, just tired of me and having to deal with me. It makes me just want to die and it makes me want to hide away but it also makes me want to scream until my soul leaves my body. These things are not life bringing. These thoughts come to kill, steal and destroy. God is my refuge. The only life bringing identity I have. I can only boast of God in me, and I praise Him for this. I will run to my identity in Christ in these moments and I pray you do the same. God bless you and thank you so much.


  2. Yes, Music Heals. We will pray you through this.

    Our Faith and God’s love do not depend on our feelings. No matter how we feel, God is Faithful.


  3. Praise God that His love for me doesn’t depend on my emotions, or I’d be in a real mess. I must keep myself physically in the right place, keep doing if only out of duty what I’m supposed to be doing, and “ride out” this wave, knowing that He is with me now but I’ll get to see Him when I reach the other side. This is an essay I find myself coming back to frequently, by Oswald Chambers – Hope this helps other strugglers out there.


  4. Dear Pastor Brian,
    I am frequently tired of dealing with my flesh. It rises up like a horse rearing. The strength of it is frightening. But when I turn my thoughts to Jesus and his love, that rearing horse goes back to grazing.
    I’m an RN and worked with the lability of emotion in a small mental health unit for 7 years. Those emotions were not built on reality. They were from the ill mind. The reality was there but just not perceived. It took a while for some but there was always a healthier perception in time.
    The emotion can’t be trusted though. Even in those who don’t have such a brain illness. We can all become too emotional based on something that wasn’t real; or we can have heightened elation that is based on something without little substance. Crowds can encourage heightened emotion.
    Then there is the sadness we all feel at times and don’t quite understand why. Usually based on loss in our lives, this sadness is sometimes without reason.
    But God knows our frailty. He is waiting to restore us, refresh us, grow our faith. For me, I it takes prayer and reading his word with persistence and desire to see HIM.


  5. Wow. The realness and authenticity of this post is appreciated. You bring up some very profound points that I believe we have all struggled with at one point or another in our lives. Obviously to the question, “can the hard soil become soft?” I would answer, as stated in our blog: Ezekiel 36:9 – “For indeed I am for you, and I will turn to you, and you shall be tilled and sown.” Again, as mentioned in our blog post, in that same chapter of Ezekiel, we find God’s mind-blowing promise to give us a new heart: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh” (vs. 26). God bless, brother!


    1. Thanks for that answer. I believed the Lord will soften our hearts but didn’t no the scriptural foundation for it. Our trials are for that! What ever hardships we have tries us like the silver refining.


  6. Brother, play some uplifting praise music to help lighten you mood. Find someone to mentor in the ways of Christ. Talk to medical professionals about adjusting your medication. Above all, stay in touch!
    Cordially in Christ,
    Daryl Stewart


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