My Mortal Enemy


“Must I then, indeed,  Pain, live with you

All through my life? –sharing my fire, my bed,

And, when I feed myself, feeding you, too?”

 Edna St. Vincent Millay

The critical issue many face is just trying to survive the next episode of depression or mania.  Somehow I think that cohabitating with something that is trying to kill you is especially disturbing.  Depression is my mortal enemy and here I am, giving in and actually allowing it to destroy me. How crazy is that?

In a way it seems sinister, the hair-raising stuff of scary movies. It’s the parasite that makes its residence in the body of its host.  (It sounds like a story line’ out of Star Trek.) Some of us get absorbed into a dark melancholy. We instinctively carry despair and despondency wherever we go. It’s hard, but I really believe it’s crucial for afflicted believers to begin to worship again (and again.)

I’m convinced that the Holy Spirit absorbs much of the venom Himself.

When my depression slumbers, life proceeds fairly well.  I can play with my kids, be a good husband, friend and neighbor.  Everything seems quiet and normal.  But when the dragon awakes, watch out, there’s going to be ‘hell to pay.’  There were many terrible, dark days that I simply couldn’t get out of bed. I was plagued with awful, dark thoughts. Meds didn’t seem to help me. I felt completely lost.

Depression might strike at anytime, and exactly when, you can never be too sure. “How will I handle it next time? Will I be in shape for Christmas, or will I lose it again this year? I just don’t know.” That is the depressive way. But you know, the Holy Spirit ministers yet, and He will touch my heart again. He gently cares for the depressed.

“But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus,”

2 Corinthians 7:6

My wife and I were missionaries in Mexico for almost three years.  We lived in a “burnt out” and very small trailer, with very sporadic electricity, and no running water. We had a 55 gallon drum for our drinking water, and we tried our best to avoid the mosquito larvae. And part of that time we had to park on the slanted slopes of a volcano. I always wondered what we would do if it decided to erupt.

Sometimes it feels like that, I’m just waiting for the next flare-up of another bout of depression.

And yet there is this promise found in Psalm 139—

“You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!”

Psalm 139:5-6

I am glad that God decided to intervene in my life.  Without question, I need Him to watch over me. I have to believe that He will keep rescuing me over and over. As a believer in Jesus, I know he has put his hands on me.  He shields me from the dragon.  I have to believe that he protects me from the worst of it.  The Holy Spirit absorbs much of the venom Himself.  I’m very glad that I belong to Him! My fear of a plummeting relapse is now His concern. I bear it no more. It is now His responsibility.

Your brother in arms,


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Published by Bryan Lowe

The Chief Sinner of the "Chiefest of Sinner's Club." My favorite verse is Philippians 1:6-- "I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

4 thoughts on “My Mortal Enemy

  1. I don’t have the eloquent writing style of the commenters before me. I am not at the point that I can write my success story.. nor do I have a diagnosis. I flourish at any new event be it a job or moving. I am able to budget,balance household chores, taking care of the kids, cooking, having a relationship with God. Then the other side of the coin falls I can barely take a shower, these days im thankful if the kids eat noodles for dinner and I make it to work. I am better with God I have complete and utter faith in his grace.l guess my question is how do you manic or a depressive state? THEN it takes me so long jus to get to the point where He is apart of my daily life and my cycle begins. A doctors help isnt an option..


    1. Never believe it’s for ever, just as the Word tells us to count ourselves dead to sin, count these times of great pain dead to you. Even as we do wrong we can believe that God is bringing us out of our old habits and renewing us so we have a continual hope and the strength to press on and overcome. So when we see the darkness descending remember it came to pass, God is active in your life and as you trust and wait and believe He is there, the time will pass and you will keep walking and rejoice again. I know the deception is overwhelmingly convincing sometimes but it is a deception and not the truth that Jesus gives us. Praying for you, dear beloved one.


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