Help for the Trapped

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“I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength.”

Psalm 88:4

In May 2011, this is what I wrote–

“I feel like I am going through a meat grinder. Pushed against my will (and desire) I’m finding myself in a place I’d rather not be. My therapist confirmed today that I’m in a “mixed state” where bipolar mania and depression come together.  I suppose you might compare it to two massive ocean currents smashing into each other. In the midst of all this strange crap I know that Jesus helps those who can no longer hold on by gritty determination.

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Severe depression, yes. But there is also the grandiosity. I believe that I think clearer, better, and faster than other people. It’s like I have superpowers.  I will think of myself as extremely gifted, superior to others.  I paint and write poetry and do “noble” things. (I’m working on jumping over buildings.)

But I also have tremendous anxiety, with racing thoughts, and even heart palpitations esp. when I am sitting trying to relax. I don’t sleep well at all, in spite of the sleeping pill, the Klonopin and the melatonin, and the Benadryl, (to make sure I do sleep.)

The endless cycle of feeling really good and then feeling really bad is a challenging one. 

It’s difficult to have a stable walk of discipleship under these circumstances.  I think being starkly honest and broken over my own fallenness is the key for me. (Now if I can only remember this.)

I continue to take my meds like a good boy. But they don’t seem to work like they used to. I think they can’t handle this particular concoction of depression/mania.  Sometimes, I feel like I’m getting better, but I never seem to get well!

I know that I’m being blunt here. Tact has never been an easy thing for me! As I read I remember the struggle, and how I couldn’t see a way out. I’m thankful for the Holy Spirit who led me when no one else could. 

I wrote this post some time ago, and decided that it needed to repost.

I’ve been reasonably stable, and I’m in a better frame of mind the last several months. I covet my time alone with God. He heals me. I’ve been captured by Jesus’ love; I know He shelters me with His love. I can live with that.

“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.”

Romans 5:6

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Published by Bryan Lowe

The Chief Sinner of the "Chiefest of Sinner's Club." My favorite verse is Philippians 1:6-- "I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

3 thoughts on “Help for the Trapped

  1. Dear Bryan
    I am writing whilst in bed in a mental health clinic: as you say hospital is never nice but sometimes it is the wisest thing to put yourself in professional 24/7 care.
    You are so awesomely honest and inspiring in your determonation to be authentic. I will pray for you brother in Christ that u will come thru this crisis very quickly and be restored to a sound mind and know quietness and confidence as your strength.
    Your sister, Cheryl

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