Category: devotional

BrokenBelievers: My Story, Redux

 

Hello!

My name is Bryan Lowe and I guide this blog, BrokenBelievers.com. I’m also a Christian pastor and Bible teacher who struggles with a ripping case of Bipolar Disorder I, and a walloping dose of Hepatitis C  (which I contracted using IV drugs.)

I have a burden for a blog that will concern itself with the challenges of mentally ill Christian believers, as well as key issues such as brokenness and humility. These seem to be critical issues, but are largely ignored and misunderstood by the mainstream church. The following list has all happened in the last five years. My shaky faith has been really challenged by these events.   

  • Death of our daughter, Elizabeth
  • Chemical burns to my lungs due to a workplace accident
  • Diagnosis of Bipolar disorder
  • Brain tumor/surgery ( I now have to walk with a cane)
  • Hepatitis C with encephalopathy issues, chronic nausea
  • Panic Attacks, (loads of fun!)
  • Non-healing sores, a low immune system (yes, I do vitamins)
  • Currently on daily meds–Lithium, Seroquil and Zoloft, (mood-stabilizers, antipsychotics, antidepressants.)

As you can well imagine, ministry became almost impossible, doors quickly closed as word spread. After all, who wants a psychotic pastor? I had several hospitalizations due to Bipolar disorder, esp. when I have had suicidal tendencies/self-harm issues. I have scars on my wrists from very bad times. I suffer from paranoid delusions and hearing voices. For obvious reasons, I resigned as a senior pastor, which was hard because it was the only thing I ever wanted to do. Sometimes, I feel like Job from the Old Testament (and my poor wife, “Joblynn”  has endured as well). I really, really struggled with anger towards God. I still fight with this when life grows dark. So this is what I have had to deal with. From this I want to speak into the darkness, and try to help any who also seek help. I want to be the guy handing out flashlights to the desperate people in the dark. Jesus frees us and leads us to hope. His Word is trustworthy, and his spirit is gentle. 

BrokenBelievers.com is making ministry available to the huge numbers of God-loving Christian Believers who struggle with mental illness.  As Jesus’ disciple, just how much trial am I expected to take, and exactly how do I live?  I would really like it if you had time to go through the web site. There are approximately 130 posts and find something that “rings your bell”. I know that that is a lot, but the list of contents is found in the left column, and a new post is added almost everyday. 

Favorite Thoughts–For now, I offer up some quotes that have personally helped me through the murky darkness. 

  • “God rescues us by breaking us, by shattering our strength and wiping out our resistance.” –A. W. Tozer
  • “I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.”–Mother Teresa
  • “Our life is full of brokenness – broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live with that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God’s faithful presence in our lives.” –Henri Nouwen
  • “The power of the Church is not a parade of flawless people, but of a flawless Christ who embraces our flaws. The Church is not made up of whole people, rather of the broken people who find wholeness in a Christ who was broken for us.”–Mike Yaconelli
  • “I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am.” –John Newton
  • “It’s not about perfection; it’s about our intimacy with God, or our connection, our relationship with God. Once we get through that, once we realize that we can be imperfect, flawed, broken; those kinds of things are the ingredients of spirituality.”–Mike Yaconelli
  • “If the church remains self-righteously aloof from failures, irreligious and immoral people, it cannot enter justified into God’s kingdom. But if it is constantly aware of its guilt and sin, it can live in joyous awareness of forgiveness. The promise has been given to it that anyone who humbles himself will be exalted.”-Brennan Manning

Favorite Authors–My favorite authors are the ones who minister to me in my pain and issues. These books are gold to me, and I scour the web looking for their teachings. I don’t follow men, but I do receive from their ministries.  If you follow any of these writers, you will get a sense of where I am coming from, and what exactly is the scope of this blog.  If your curious, drop me a line and I’ll be happy to share more. 

  • Mike Yaconelli– Messy Spirituality; Dangerous Wonder
  • Eugene Peterson– The Message Bible; A Long Obedience in One Direction; Subversive Christianity
  • Brennan Manning–The Lion and the Lamb; Ragamuffin Gospel; Abba’s Child
  • John Piper– When the Darkness Will Not Lift; Desiring God 
  • Henri Nouwen–The Wounded Healer
  • Anne Lamont– Traveling Mercies : Some Thoughts on Faith.
  • Kay Redfield Jameson– Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament; An Unquiet Mind
  • Georges Bernanos– A Diary of Country Priest
  • AW Tozer, anything– The Pursuit of God
  • Francis Frangipane–The Place of Immunity
  • CS Lewis– Grief Observed; Mere Christianity
  • Dietrich Bonhoeffer– The Cost of Discipleship; Life Together
  • English Standard Version Study Bible–Great version!

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My Book List

This is a list of books that I can recommend to people who have a need, or just want to be informed.  The majority of these on the list are for Christians who have a mental illness.

  1. Grace for the Afflicted- Matthew S. Stanford, PHD*
  2. Manic, A Memoir- Terri Cheney
  3. Exuberance, The Passion for Life- Kay Redfield Jamison
  4. When the Darkness Will Not Lift- John Piper*
  5. Darkness is My Only Companion- Kathryn Greene-McCreight*
  6. The Noonday Demon- Andrew Solomon

*denotes Christian emphasis

All of these books can be ordered online at www.amazon.com.

The Jesus Prayer, Prayer Beads, & Personal Revival

Prayerbeads
33 count for Protestant use

The Lord moves in mysterious ways.  As a good evangelical, I never thought I would be using prayer beads and saying the Jesus Prayer.  It started when an old friend decided he wanted to make me a set of beads.  It surprised me, but I said, “Why not?”

In my thinking, I laid down a single stipulation, I wasn’t open to a Catholic rosary, and wanted nothing to do with devotion to Mary.  So, he scrounged up his materials and fashioned me an Orthodox, or Anglican chaplet of 33 beads.  And they are beautiful.  I have other friends who are Orthodox and I’ve always had an affinity for their faith and practice.

Of course, I didn’t know how to blend them in my prayer times.  It seemed to be a tad peculiar for this “evangelical-charismatic” pastor to be using them. I felt like a grown man getting caught trying to ride his toddler’s tricycle. But since I was already familiar with the “Jesus Prayer”, and since I knew God wasn’t going to strike me down with lightning, I forged on ahead.

For many, the “prayer of the heart” or the “Jesus prayer” is understood as a practice of personal devotion, a response to Paul’s admonition to “pray unceasingly,” a prayer said with the lips which descends from the head into the heart. Our prayer is to become eventually so much a part of us that our very breathing, our very living becomes prayer.  At least that was the theory.  But, since I was unhappy with my prayer life on my own, I decided I had nothing to lose and so I gave it the green light.

The Jesus Prayer is this, “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, the sinner.”  It is based on Mark’s account of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector.  I certainly could relate to the tax collector, especially with my battles with depression and bipolar disorder nipping at my heels.

I began praying, using the beads and the Jesus prayer.  Instinctively, I knew that I was about to learn something valuable.  But at first it was awkward.  I did not want it to become formal or religious.  I was wary of praying religiously.  I did not want to parrot a phrase to get some kind of “religious buzz”.  I was really cautious, with a somewhat skeptical eye on the whole affair.

What I found was a considerable breakthrough!  Using the prayer beads and focusing on just talking to the Lord began to be something I really, really wanted to do.  I found, improvising, I could adapt it to what was right for me.  I found that rather then being repetitive, it infused my time with insight and blessing.  The whole thing was like a track, a train track, that for the first time gave my prayer time structure and continuity.

As depressed and mentally ill Christians, we can be a bit unstructured and vague when it comes to praying and meditating on the Word.  For the most part, we can be pretty undisciplined people.  We require something a little different to help us in a relationship with the Lord.  I guess I want to challenge you, to experiment with this.

 Some links to help:

For general info: http://www.norian.org/jesus_prayer.html

Interesting–To try using the Jesus prayer, with “Cyber-beads”: http://www.kingofpeace.org/prayerbeads/trisagion.htm

From an artisan and a retail outlet:  http://www.blue-mariano.com/id16.html

Bryan’s B.B. Thoughts, Friday

It’s still a gray day, here in Alaska, and I’m dealing with some depression symptomology.  I’m glad I am being “held tight” by the Lord.  Phil. 1:6 is my promise that He won’t give up, but continue His work, no matter what.

Watched a nature show last night.  It was about a submersible that is taken to the bottom of the sea.  In the pitch blackness it shines high intensity lights.  It has been able to film sea creatures that have not ever been seen before.  It was fascinating to watch.

This morning, in prayer I began to think about explorers, like for example

Exploring the Kingdom of God
Exploring the Kingdom of God

 “Lewis and Clark”.  They opened up the American west by their effort to move to the Pacific Ocean.  I was thinking about the journey, the effort we have to take as a “sojourner’, not a resident.

There must be “intentionality of purpose” to develop such an attitude.  I want the attitude of an explorer of spiritual truth.  Opening up new areas of the truth and experiencing the character of God.  Having renounced the world, we journey with the Spirit through the Word as investigators (and experiencers) of the truth.

Thanks to Jesus, who makes it possible by His blood  for us to enter into this new territory.