Category: humor, satire

Arranged by topic, these observations will be having you think about the roles of men and women and how they differ.

SHOPPING: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

WORRY: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS: To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

BEAUTY: Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

CHANGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

BATHROOMS: The typical man has six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

OFFSPRING: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every few days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old American sitcoms.

EATING OUT: When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though the total bill is only $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction – he buys a motorcycle and/or a Porsche and flirts with pretty young girls.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with a watch and one ring. That’s it. Any more than that and he usually looks ridiculous.

TIME: When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS: Women on a girl’s night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy’s night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are “Pass the Doritos” or “Got any more beer?”

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, “Hey, Tom, I’m going to the men’s room. Do you want to join me?”