Sunday humor series – Page 11

Sunday Funnies: Test Questions

Bipolar / Manic Test Questions

Answer as truthfully as you can. Keep a mental note of how you answer.

* The sun is too loud.
* Trees begin to chase you.
* You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
* You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
* You can hear mimes.
* You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
* Things become “Very Clear.”
* You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You begin speaking in a language that only you and the chandeliers can understand.
* The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
* You keep yelling “STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!” even though you are the only one in the room.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
* You and Reality file for divorce.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can skip without a rope.
* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can travel without moving.
* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

It is very important to our recovery that we can find amusement wherever we can. We need to laugh at ourselves and often. Sunday Funnies here on Broken Believers is an attempt to lighten the load. You can read all of them by clicking “Sunday” category on the left hand side.

Sunday Funnies: G.R.A.C.E.

Grace, they say, is God’s Riches At Christ’s Expense. I don’t remember when I first heard that nifty mnemonic acrostic, but I know it’s just a hook to hang some teaching on, and it’s a fine, sturdy hook. But I have studied some more theology since then, and have learned that we can argue about anything, including definitions of grace. So here are some alternative acrostics; something for everybody.

For the Truly Reformed: God Rejects And Conversely Elects
For dispensationalists: Getting Raptured After Charting Endtimes
For pietists: Good Religion = Affective Christian Experiences
For Barthians: God-centered Redemption Allows Christocentric Eschatologizing
For the Christian existentialist: Genuine, Real, Authentic Christian Existence
For the Pelagians and Semi-Pelagians: Go Re-enact All Christ’s Example
For fundamentalists: Gotta Really Agressively Confront Ecumaniacs
For the Roman Catholics: Gazing Raptly At Consecrated Eucharist (or) Getting Right Archbishop Catholicizes Everything
For the Thomists working the Nature-Grace Boundary: God Reaching Across Creation’s Expanse
For Dante, especially in his Purgatorio: Getting Rendered Acceptable, Climbing Eagerly
For Anglo-Catholics: Getting Ritualistic After Cranmer’s Execution
For the Eastern Orthodox: Greek, Russian, Antiochene Cultural Expectations
For the other Eastern Orthodox excluded from that list: Giddily Receiving Apophatic Creationless Energies
For Open Theists: God Reconsiders, And Cooperates Exquisitely
For feminist theologians: Gender Revolution Anticipates Church Evolution
For the cessationists: Generally Renouncing All Charismatic Experiences
For evidentialist apologists: General Revelation And Convincing Explanations
For presuppositional apologists: Gospel Repentance Accomplished, Circularity Ensues
For sojourners: Government Redistribution Allows Communal Economics
For pentecostals: Glossolalia Received After Conversion Experience
For charismatics: Gombala Ramazoody Alleluia Chombalahombala Essanahanashanahana
For theonomists: Gospel Requires Absolutely Crushing Enemies
For the emergents: Generational Resentment Against Conservative Evangelicals

Sunday Funnies: God Creates New Bird!

THE HEAVENS—In what is being described by advance marketing materials as “the first divine creation in more than 6,000 years,” God Almighty, Our Lord Most High, introduced a brand-new species of bird into existence Monday.

“Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve, prepare thine eyes for the most exciting line of avian wildlife in millennia,” God announced as He released an estimated 14 million first-run models into the important bird markets of North America, Australia, and Eurasia. “This new bird has it all: slicker wings, a more streamlined beak, better-than-ever capacity for beautiful song. Plus, all of the grace and majesty you’ve come to expect from the Eternal Creator of Life Itself.”

“The bird is back,” God continued, His booming voice parting the very heavens. “And baby, it’s never looked better.”

According to the latest specs, etched in two tablets of stone and handed down from atop Mount Sinai, the new bird is anticipated by God to be His finest creation to date. Available in two colors-—male and female—the bird reportedly combines everything God has learned from His previous works into one “new twist on an old favorite.”

In keeping with tradition, the bird has not been given a name by God, who has left it to mankind to name all the animals.

The blueprints used to build the new bird

“This came out at the perfect time,” said Chet Clem, Chair of Biblical Science at Oral Roberts University. “God hadn’t come out with anything in a long while, and people, quite frankly, were beginning to lose faith in Him. But this bird is totally worth the wait.”

Added Clem, “It’s classic God.”

“Our Heavenly Father has really outdone Himself this time,” ornithologist Dr. Avram Wasserbaum agreed. “Birds don’t tend to be His strong suit—take the buzzard or the dodo, for instance. This latest bird, though, has all of God’s patented design touches: splendor, grace, and an ineffable sense of timelessness. Trust me, once folks get a load of the brilliant plumage, this thing is really going to put God back on top.”

“Plus, birds are hot right now,” he added.

For His part, God has even gone so far as to call the new bird His “masterpiece.”

“I’m telling you, I pulled out all the stops on this one,” He said. “It looks kind of like a hawk, but it’s more compact, and it has a smart, sexy flight pattern that has to be seen to be believed. And if that’s not enough, get this: This bird eats insects, like a bat.”

God’s faith in His newest creation remains so high, in fact, that if it turns out to be as popular as expected, He plans to discontinue one of His less beloved species, such as the pigeon.

Not all, however, are impressed.

“The wingspan is not really doing it for me,” said well-known creation critic Jean Krewson. “And does it always squawk like that? After six millennia, couldn’t God have come up with something a little edgier to breathe life into? I hate to say it, but maybe the One Who Made Man Flesh is losing His touch.”

“It’s no bald eagle, that’s for sure,” he added.

Despite such criticisms, most humans remained united in praise of the new species, which is already surpassing previous records for bird popularity in all major wildlife sectors.

“Get ’em while supplies last,” God said. “Or before they’re hunted to total extinction.”

…………………………………………………………………………

Taken from the Onion at http://www.theonion.com/content/news/god_introduces_new_bird

Sunday Funnies 4, the Internet Addict

Signs You Are an Internet Addict

1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue as to when it happened.

3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6.) You start introducing yourself as “Jim at net dot com”

7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you

see a new WWW site address on TV.

8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can

hear if new e-mail arrives.

9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you

of what she looks like.

10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.

11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else’s links,

you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

12.) Your dog has its own home page.

13.) You can’t call your mother… She doesn’t have a modem.

14.) You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you

check it again.

15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

17.) You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends,

because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.

19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and

check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

20.) You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because

“Daddy’s got work to do” — even though you don’t have a job.

21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

22.) Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”

23.) You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with

Netscape 3.0 or higher.”

24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your

ISP… because you never log off.

25.) The last girl you dated was only a GIF.

26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the

chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…

so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so

the two of you can chat.

28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain

road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

If you would like read a much more serious article on Net Addiction, please see http://psychcentral.com/netaddiction/

Bipolar / Manic Test Questions

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