Sunday Funnies: Two Stories

Sunday Funnies:  Two Stories

 

Chocolate Chip Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from his bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of his bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in Heaven: there, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it Heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wonderous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged, withered and shaking hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. “Stay out of those“, she said, “they’re for the funeral.”

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A Dying Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?” The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly,  “Jesus died between two thieves … and that’s how I want to go.”

__________________________

Sunday Funnies: Pick-Up Lines

Christian Pick-up Lines for Singles

1) Nice bible.

2) I would like to pray with you.

3) You know Jesus? Me too.

4) God told me to come talk to you.

5) I know a church where we could go and talk.

6) How about a hug, sister?

7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.

8. Christians don’t shake hands, Christians gotta hug.

9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11.

10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?

12) I am here for you.

13) The word says “Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry.” How about dinner?

14) You don’t have an accountability partner? Me neither.

15) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?

16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?

18) Nice bracelet (WWJD). What would Jesus date? I mean “do.”

19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?

20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?

21) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

22) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that’s hisname.

23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.

24) Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.

Sunday Funnies: In Memoriam

1939-2010

THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DEAD AT 71

**********

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and many others.  The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded.”

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.  He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.  Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

__________

Sunday Funnies: It’s a Dog’s Life!

Famous Dog Quotes

  • “Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.” — Unknown
  • “Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.” — Gene Hill
  • “In dog years, I’m dead.” — Unknown
  • “Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.” — Dave Barry
  • “Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx
  • “To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.” — Aldous Huxley
  • “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” — Robert Benchley
  • “Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.” — Sue Murphy
  • “I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.” — August Strindberg
  • “No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.” — Fran Lebowitz
  • “I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.” — Rita Rudner
  • “My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.” — Joe Weinstein
  • “If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.” — James Thurber
  • “You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.” — Nora Ephron
  • “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” — Ann Landers
  • “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” — Robert A. Heinlein
  • “In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.” — Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
  • “Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!” — Dr. Tom Cat
  • “There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” — Ben Williams
  • “When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.” — Edward Abbey
  • “Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.” — Unknown
  • “Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail.” — Unknown
  • “No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.” — Christopher Morley
  • “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” — Josh Billings
  • “Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.” — Holbrook Jackson
  • “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” — Andrew A. Rooney
  • “He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.” — Unknown
  • “If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.” — Mark Twain
  • “Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.” — Smiley Blanton
  • “I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.” — John Steinbeck
  • “Dogs love us,but they are very observant animals. I’m sure they notice that we keep the best food for ourselves.” — Markoff Chaney
  •  “Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, porkhalf a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!” — Anne Tyler

Taken from:  http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2fy14Z/web.mit.edu/afs/athena.mit.edu/user/d/r/dryfoo/www/Funny-pages/handy-latin.html