Tag: humor

Sunday Funnies: Chocolate

Chocolate Understood: Funny Quotes

In the beginning, the Lord created chocolate, and he saw that it was good. Then he separated the light from the dark, and it was better.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who has sworn off fudge and chocolate.

I never met a piece of chocolate I didn’t like.

Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth person always lies. – John Tullius

I am not overweight. I am chocolate enriched.

There is no chocolate anonymous because no one wants to quit.

If at first you don’t succeed, have a chocolate.

If I must die let it be death by chocolate.

For some there’s therapy for the rest of us there’s chocolate.

 

In the cookies of life, friends are the chocolate chips.

Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don’t need an appointment.

There’s more to life than chocolate, but not right now.
 

Chocolate doesn’t make the world go around … but it certainly makes the ride worthwhile!

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt! – Lucy Van Pelt (in Peanuts, by Charles M. Schulz)

Exercise is a dirty word… Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

 

The divine drink, which builds up resistance and fights fatigue. A cup of this precious drink (cocoa) permits a man to walk for a whole day without food. – Montezuma, Aztec Emperor (c. 1480-1520)

 Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces. – Judith Viorst

 

 http://www.hersheys.com/
http://www.godiva.com/welcome.aspx
http://www.ghirardelli.com/ 

 

 

Sunday Funnies: Children’s Letters to God

We love our children (those little angels!) and really do see them as a gift from God to us.  They are part of the reason why we take our meds, stay sober and deal with our depression.

Below are examples of children writing their letter to God.  All of them are significant, and we see through their innocent questions to understand the heart.

  • Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? — Jane
  • Dear God, I think about You sometimes even when I’m not praying. — Elliot
  • Dear God, Did You really mean “do unto others as they do unto you?” Because if you did, then I’m going to fix my brother. — Darla
  • Dear God, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. — Margret
  • Dear God, I read the Bible. What does “begat” mean? Nobody will tell me. — Love, Allison
  • Dear God, Are you really invisible or is that a trick? — Lucy
  • Dear God, Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? — Anita
  • Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? — Norma
  • Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have now? — Jane
  • Dear God, Who draws the lines around countries? — Nan
  • Dear God, The bad people laughed at Noah — “You made an ark on dry land you fool”. But he was smart, he stuck with You. That’s what I would do. — Eddie
  • Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? — Neil
  • Dear God, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. — Jane
  • Dear God, Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. — Joyce
  • Dear God, Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. — Tom L.
  • Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. — Bruce
  • Dear God, If we come back as something — please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. — Denise
  • Dear God, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. — Danny
  • Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. — Larry
  • Dear God, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. — Sam
  • Dear God, You don’t have to worry about me. I always look both ways. — Dean
  • Dear God, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. — Nan
  • Dear God, Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. — Rob
  • Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn’t sound right. They’re just kidding, aren’t they? — Marsha
  • Dear God, If You watch me in Church Sunday. I’ll show You my new shoes. — Mickey D.
  • Dear God, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. — Love, Chri
  • Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So, I bet he stoled Your idea. — Sincerely, Donna
  • Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are God already. — Charles

Sunday Funnies: Two Stories

Sunday Funnies:  Two Stories

 

Chocolate Chip Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from his bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of his bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in Heaven: there, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it Heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wonderous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged, withered and shaking hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. “Stay out of those“, she said, “they’re for the funeral.”

______________

A Dying Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?” The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly,  “Jesus died between two thieves … and that’s how I want to go.”

__________________________

Sunday Funnies: Pick-Up Lines

Christian Pick-up Lines for Singles

1) Nice bible.

2) I would like to pray with you.

3) You know Jesus? Me too.

4) God told me to come talk to you.

5) I know a church where we could go and talk.

6) How about a hug, sister?

7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.

8. Christians don’t shake hands, Christians gotta hug.

9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11.

10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?

12) I am here for you.

13) The word says “Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry.” How about dinner?

14) You don’t have an accountability partner? Me neither.

15) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?

16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?

18) Nice bracelet (WWJD). What would Jesus date? I mean “do.”

19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?

20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?

21) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

22) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that’s hisname.

23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.

24) Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.