Tag: humor

Sunday Funnies: In Memoriam

1939-2010

THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DEAD AT 71

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Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and many others.  The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded.”

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.  He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.  Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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Sunday Funnies: It’s a Dog’s Life!

Famous Dog Quotes

  • “Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.” — Unknown
  • “Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.” — Gene Hill
  • “In dog years, I’m dead.” — Unknown
  • “Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.” — Dave Barry
  • “Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx
  • “To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.” — Aldous Huxley
  • “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” — Robert Benchley
  • “Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.” — Sue Murphy
  • “I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.” — August Strindberg
  • “No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.” — Fran Lebowitz
  • “I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.” — Rita Rudner
  • “My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.” — Joe Weinstein
  • “If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.” — James Thurber
  • “You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.” — Nora Ephron
  • “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” — Ann Landers
  • “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” — Robert A. Heinlein
  • “In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.” — Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
  • “Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!” — Dr. Tom Cat
  • “There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” — Ben Williams
  • “When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.” — Edward Abbey
  • “Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.” — Unknown
  • “Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail.” — Unknown
  • “No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.” — Christopher Morley
  • “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” — Josh Billings
  • “Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.” — Holbrook Jackson
  • “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” — Andrew A. Rooney
  • “He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.” — Unknown
  • “If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.” — Mark Twain
  • “Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.” — Smiley Blanton
  • “I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.” — John Steinbeck
  • “Dogs love us,but they are very observant animals. I’m sure they notice that we keep the best food for ourselves.” — Markoff Chaney
  •  “Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork,  half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!” — Anne Tyler

Taken from:  http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2fy14Z/web.mit.edu/afs/athena.mit.edu/user/d/r/dryfoo/www/Funny-pages/handy-latin.html

Understanding Politics: The Short Version

Politics Explained

 

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

(Original source unknown )

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Sunday Funnies: More of the Mysterious

  1. Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
  2. Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken over there … I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt”?
  3. Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
  4. Why don’t the hairs on your arms get split ends?
  5. Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
  6. Wouldn’t it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
  7. “Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?”
  8. Isn’t it funny how the word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’?
  9. Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
  10. Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
  11. Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
  12. Why can’t you get a tan on your palms?
  13. Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
  14. If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
  15. If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver’s license?
  16. How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don’t take off the price if you get something taken off?
  17. If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it’s 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
  18. If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
  19. How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
  20. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
  21. If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
  22. Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
  23. If all of the Acme stuff doesn’t work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products?
  24. Since there is a rule that states “i” before “e” except after “c”, wouldn’t “science” be spelled wrong?
  25. If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later?
  26. What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
  27. When you see the weather report and it says “partly cloudy” and then the next day it says “partly sunny”; what’s the difference?
  28. Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird?
  29. Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?
  30. Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?
  31. How come wine and hard liquor doesn’t come in cans, but beer does?
  32. When lightning strikes the ocean why don’t all the fish die?
  33. If two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters, would there kids be identical?
  34. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  35. Don’t you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their “practice” ?
  36. Why do people never say “it’s only a game” when they’re winning?
  37. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  38. Why do birds have white poop?
  39. Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
  40. Can blind people see their dreams?
  41. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
  42. If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?