Sunday Funnies: Tortured English

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Grade Your State

Our national mental health care system is in crisis. Long fragile, fragmented, and inadequate, it is now in serious peril. In 2003, the presidential New Freedom Commission presented a vision for a life-saving, recovery-oriented, cost-effective, evidence-based system of care. States have been working to improve the system, but progress is minimal.

Today, even those states that have worked the hardest stand to see their gains wiped out. As the country faces the deepest economic crisis since the Great Depression, state budget shortfalls mean budget cuts to mental health services.

The country as a whole was graded D. No states received an A grade, and only six (Connecticut, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, New York and Oklahoma) received a B. Eighteen states got C’s, a whopping 21 got D’s – and 6 states (Arkansas, Kentucky, Mississippi, South Dakota, West Virginia and Wyoming) got a failing grade – F.  The state I live in,  Alaska, received a D.

To see your states report card, go to

The budget cuts are coming at a time when mental health services are even more urgently needed. It is a vicious cycle that destroys lives and creates more significant financial troubles for states and the federal government in the long run.

One in four Americans experience mental illness at some point in their lives. The most serious conditions affect 10.6 million people. Mental illness is the greatest cause of disability in the nation, and twice as many Americans live with schizophrenia than with HIV/AIDS.

We know what works to save lives and help people recover. In the face of crisis, America needs to move forward, not retreat. We cannot leave our most vulnerable citizens behind.

NAMI was the source of this study, you can see it at:

Children’s Letters to God

Dear God:

My Mommy is sad a lot since Daddy went away. We can’t find him. Can you?

Dear God:

My turtle died. We buried her in our yard. Is she there with your now? If so, she really likes lettuce.

Dear God:

I have scary dreams at night. Mommy says I can’t come in with them anymore ‘cuz I’m too big for that. Where do scary dreams come from, or should I ask the devil that?

Dear God:

Did you invent skateboards? Do you have them up in Heaven too? I love mine a lot and can do lots of tricks already. Do you like watching me?

Dear God:

I’m sorry I forgot the words to your songs yesterday in Sunday School. I don’t sing that good anyway so sometimes I just hum along. Is that o.k. with you?

Dear God:

Could you please make my legs be strong? I want to play like the other kids. They tease me so please make them stop.

Dear God:

Do you throw the lightening down at us? It scares me a lot when it goes BOOM. Please stop it.

Dear God:

I love Jesse a lot. When I told him, he pushed me down and made me cry. Mommy says he must like me too. What do you think?

Dear God:

Molly got new pink shoes, and I want them. Is that bad? I won’t steal them or anything, but would you send me some too?

Dear God:

I hate it when Daddy drinks his beer. He smells awful. Then he sleeps. He gets mean and yells at me a lot. Did you make up beer? Why?

Dear God:

When I get big I want to play basketball. Maybe you could make my skin black so I can play better. Also, make me really tall, too.

Dear God:

Do you like it when I pray to you? I do, too.

Dear God:

My Sunday School teacher says you always love me. Is that true? Even after what I did to Sara yesterday – or do you know about that? I really am sorry so I wish you would still love me.

Dear God:

My grandma is dying. She says you want her back with you, but I want her to stay here with me. You can have anyone you want. She’s all I have, so please let her get better and stay.

Dear God:

Did baby Jesus cry all the time? My new brother does, and I don’t like it. Mommy says all babies do, and I did when I was little. I’m six now. I don’t think baby Jesus ever cried. He’s your son, so you must know the answer. We have a bet on it, so please write back.

Dear God:

Why did you make snakes and spiders? I’m afraid of them.

Dear God:

Could you send me a horse? Caitlan has one, and she’s always bragging about how fun he is. I want a bigger and smarter horse than hers. My horses’ name will be Bullet so make him the fastest too, please.

Dear God:

My teacher is mean. She always yells at us. She’s old and ugly. Why did you make bad and mean people?

Dear God:

Help me to not wet my bed anymore. I keep getting whippings, but I still can’t stop.

Dear God:

Why do old people smell funny?

Dear God:

I saw a kangaroo and a buffalo today at the zoo. I like the lion best. What is your favorite? I think the ostrich is funny looking – did you do that on purpose?

Dear God:

I don’t like brussel sprouts. Do I still have to eat them? I don’t like milk, either. Mostly I like pizza.

Dear God:

I love you, God.

Dear God:

Would you make me a little brother? I want to have someone to boss around like my brother does me.

Dear God:

Why didn’t you make me special? Cloe is specially pretty and Janine is specially smart. Ryan can run faster than anyone and wins all the races. Tina has perfect teeth. And Carmen can speak two languages. Did you forget to give me something special to be?

Dear God:

My dog, Bowser is getting really old now. He gets up slowly and doesn’t keep up with me anymore when we run. Mommy says he’s going to die one day. Could you just make him a puppy again instead?

Dear God:

I have no best friend. Everyone at school seems to have a best friend but me. Could you send me one, please? And hurry.

Dear God:

I have a spelling test on Tuesday. I never get all the words right. Maybe you could help me this time. Or is that cheating?

Dear God:

I have a lizard named Ernie. He only has three feet ‘cuz one of them got caught in the door. I didn’t mean to do it though. Would you fix it back again?

Dear God:

In Sunday School we learned that You are everywhere. How big are You? As big as Shaq? He plays basketball and is the biggest I’ve ever seen.

Dear God:

Do you know when I’m bad or good? Or is that just Santa Claus?

Dear God:

I play worse than anyone on my soccer team. I’m the smallest one, too. That doesn’t seem very fair. Did you play a dirty trick on me?

Dear God:

Please make me pretty. Because I think I’m not very smart.

Dear God:

Do you listen to my prayers every night? Do you really know when I only pretend to brush my teeth? Don’t tell Mommy, O.K.?

Getting Free of Anxiety

From Warren Mueller

Do you often deal with anxiety? Are you consumed with worry? You can learn to manage these emotions by understanding what the Bible says about them. In this excerpt from his book, “Truth Seeker – Straight Talk From The Bible”, Warren Mueller studies the keys in God’s Word to overcoming your struggles with anxiety and worry.

Anxiety (Worry)

Life is full of many concerns stemming from the absence of certainty and control over our future. While we can never be completely free from worry, the Bible shows us how to minimize worry and anxiety in our lives. Philippians 4:6-7 says do not worry about anything, but with prayer and supplication with thanksgiving make your requests known to God and then the peace of God will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Pray About Life’s Worries

Believers are commanded to pray about life’s worries. These prayers are to be more than requests for favorable answers. They are to include thanksgiving and praise along with the needs. Praying in this way reminds us of the many blessings God continually gives us whether we ask or not. This reminds us of God’s great love for us and that He knows and does what is best for us.

A Sense of Security in Jesus

Worry is proportional to our sense of security. When life is going as planned and we feel safe in our life routines, then worries subside. Likewise, worry increases when we feel threatened, insecure or are overly focused on and committed to some result. 1 Peter 5:7 says cast your cares upon Jesus because He cares for you. The practice of believers is to take our worries to Jesus in prayer and leave them with Him. This reinforces our dependence on, and faith in Jesus.

Recognize a Wrong Focus

Worries increase when we become focused on the things of this world. Jesus said the treasures of this world are subject to decay and can be taken away but heavenly treasures are secure (Matthew 6:19). Therefore, set your priorities on God and not on money (Matthew 6:24). Man worries about such things as having food and clothes but is given life by God. God provides life, without which the concerns of life are meaningless.

Worry can cause ulcers and mental problems that can have destructive health effects that shorten life. No amount of worry will add even one hour to one’s life (Matthew 6:27). Therefore, why worry? The Bible teaches that we should deal with each day’s problems when they occur and not be obsessed with future concerns that may not happen (Matthew 6:34).

Focus on Jesus

In Luke 10:38-42, Jesus visits the house of the sisters Martha and Mary. Martha was busy with many details regarding making Jesus and his disciples comfortable. Mary, on the other hand, was sitting at the feet of Jesus listening to what he said. Martha complained to Jesus that Mary should be busy helping but Jesus told Martha that “…you are worried and anxious about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:41-42)

What is this one thing that freed Mary from the business and worries experienced by her sister? Mary chose to focus on Jesus, listen to Him and ignore the immediate demands of hospitality. I do not believe that Mary was being irresponsible, rather she wanted to experience and learn from Jesus first and later, when He was done speaking, she would fulfill her duties. Mary had her priorities straight. Put God first and He will free us from worries and take care of the rest of our concerns.

From an article posted at by Warren Mueller

His bio at:

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