Photos Found: Hearts Touched
Category: humor, satire
Funnies: Am I Overprotective?
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Print out and submit as per instructions at the bottom of the form.
1. Name :______________________ Date of Birth :______________
2. Height :___________________________
Weight :_______________________ GPA :________________
3. Social Sec. #_________________ Drivers
license#_____________________
4. Boy Scout Rank :__________________________
5. Home address :_______________________ City/ State_____________
6. Do you have one male and one female parent ? Yes _______ No _______
7. If no, explain :______________________________________________
8. Number of years parents married :_____________________________
9. Do you own a van ?______ A truck with oversized tires ?____
A water bed ?_______
10. Do you have an earring , nose ring , belly-button ring ?______ A tattoo ?_______
(If yes to any of #9 or #10, Discontinue application and leave premises …)
11. In ten words or less, what does LATE mean to you ?
___________________________________________
12. In ten words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you ?
______________________________________
13. In ten words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?
___________________________________________________
14. Church you attend :__________________ How often you attend :_____
15. When would be the best time to interview your Father, Mother, And Pastor ?
___________________
16. What would you want to be IF you grew up ?
_______________________________________________
Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely – all answers are confidential (that I won’t tell anyone – ever- I promise).
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is in the
__________________________
If I were beaten the last bone I would want broken is my
________________________________________
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
___________________________________
When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first
is_______________________________________
(Note: If answer begins with T or A, discontinue and leave premises: Keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised. )
I SWEAR THAT THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF: NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, DEATH, AND DISMEMBERMENT.
Signature (that means your name, moron)
______________________________________________________
Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not attempt to call or write. If your application is rejected you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white coats and carrying a violin case.
APPLICANT’S RIGHT THUMB PRINT IN BLOOD
“Let There Be Zoloft!”
A “tongue in cheek” evaluation of Zoloft, my personal fav as I work through my own depression.
“Seeking to broaden the customer base of the popular drug, Pfizer announced the launch of a $40 million “Zoloft For Everything” advertising campaign Monday. “Zoloft is most commonly prescribed for the treatment of depression and anxiety disorders, but it would be ridiculous to limit such a multi-functional drug to these few uses,” Pfizer spokesman Jon Pugh said. “We feel doctors need to stop asking their patients if anything is wrong and start asking if anything could be more right.”
Continued Pugh: “How many millions of people out there are suffering under the strain of a deadline at work or pre-date jitters, but don’t realize there’s a drug that could provide relief? Zoloft isn’t just for severe anxiety or depression. Got the Monday blues? Kids driving you nuts? Let Zoloft help. Zoloft.” Zoloft (sertraline hydrochloride) was originally introduced as a means of treating depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, panic disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
In January of this year, however, Pfizer won FDA approval for use of Zoloft to treat premenstrual dysphoric disorder, as well as social-anxiety disorder, or “social phobia.” Last week, the FDA okayed Zoloft for treatment of “the entire range of unpleasant or otherwise negative social, physical, and mental feelings that an individual may experience in the course of a human life.” “At first, Zoloft was only used to treat depression,” Pugh said. “But what is depression, really? Who died and gave doctors the authority to dictate who is and isn’t depressed? One man’s hangnail could be another man’s darkest depths of despair. Isn’t medication a tool to help people lead better, happier lives? Access to drugs should not be restricted to those the medical community officially deems ‘sick.'”
Pfizer president James Vernon said the “Zoloft For Everything” campaign will employ print and TV ads to inform potential users about the “literally thousands” of new applications for Zoloft. Among the conditions the drug can be used to treat: anxiety associated with summer swimsuit season, insecurity over sexual potency and performance, feelings of shame over taking an antidepressant, and a sense of hollowness stemming from losing an online auction. A Zoloft ad is slated to run in next week’s issue of People.
In today’s fast-paced world, Vernon said, people don’t have time to deal with mood changes. “Zoloft has always helped clinically depressed people modulate serotonin levels and other chemical imbalances that make life unlivable for them,” Vernon said. “But now, Zoloft can also help anyone who needs their emotions leveled off. Do you find yourself feeling excited or sad? No one should have to suffer through those harrowing peaks and valleys.”
Anita White of Yuma, AZ, sought out Zoloft after seeing one of the new commercials. “I was sitting on the couch, just watching TV, and, for the life of me, I couldn’t motivate myself to go down to the basement to do the laundry,” White said. “Luckily, a Zoloft ad came on right at that moment went to their web site and, sure enough, one of the ‘Is Zoloft Right For You?’ quiz questions was, ‘Are you unable to motivate yourself to go down to the basement to do the laundry?’ That’s when I knew.”
Other pharmaceutical companies are following Pfizer’s lead. On Tuesday, Paxil manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline unveiled its new ad slogan, “Paxil… Give It A Try.” Eli Lilly, maker of Prozac, is slated to launch a similar campaign built around the slogan, “Pot Roast Burnt? Husband Home With The Flu? You’re Having One Of Those Prozac Days.” “We are letting consumers know that if they suspect Zoloft might improve the quality of their lives, they should contact their doctor,” Pugh said.
“And remember, you’ll need to take Zoloft for at least eight weeks to make sure it’s working.” Pugh warned that Zoloft use may cause side effects such as agitation, erratic behavior, restlessness, difficulty speaking, or shaking of hands and fingers. He added that Zoloft can help those suffering from agitation, erratic behavior, restlessness, difficulty speaking, and shaking of hands and fingers.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28349
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Internet Funnies: Muppets in Trouble
In 40 seasons, Sesame Street has featured over 1,000 characters. Although we’ll always have mainstays like Big Bird, Elmo, Bert and Ernie, many Muppets have been forgotten or deemed unnecessary. Here are a few Sesame Street residents who were evicted, or just created a stir.
1. Roosevelt Franklin
Perhaps the most famous of the retired Sesame Street Muppets is Roosevelt Franklin. Originally voiced by Matt Robinson, who portrayed the first Gordon on Sesame Street, Roosevelt was an African-American Muppet who had his own school (named Roosevelt Franklin Elementary School). He often taught the class important lessons about things such as the geography of Africa and how to avoid drinking poison.
Parents wrote to the Children’s Television Workshop to complain that Roosevelt was a negative stereotype of African-American children, citing his rowdy nature and the fact that his classes closely resembled after-school detention. Roosevelt only lasted from 1970-1975, but he has appeared in many Sesame Street books, and it was recently revealed that he will make an appearance in the background of an episode of Sesame Street in the upcoming 40th season.
2. Harvey Kneeslapper
If a Muppet with a ’70s porn mustache and googly eyes offers to keep an eye on your hat, run the other way. Chances are he’s Harvey Kneeslapper, and he’s about to crush your fedora with an oversized letter I. Harvey pulled practical jokes on unsuspecting victims—jokes featuring bad puns about letters and numbers. Harvey was his own biggest fan, laughing loudly at his gags. One person who didn’t care for Harvey’s trademark laugh was his performer, Frank Oz, who complained that performing the character was too hard on his throat.
3. There’s an HIV-Positive Muppet
In 2002, Sesame Workshop released a statement saying that they would be introducing an HIV-positive Muppet to Sesame Street. What most people in the U.S. missed was that Kami, the Muppet in question, would not be appearing on the domestic version of Sesame Street, but the South African version, which is called Takalani Sesame. The producers of Takalani Sesame agreed that an HIV-positive Muppet would be beneficial because South Africa has the highest percentage of AIDS-infected people in the world, many of which are children. People became outraged that PBS would allow a children’s show to feature an HIV-positive character, and news sources and pundits went to town on the story. Kami never appeared on the American Sesame Street, though she has proven to be a very successful character on Takalani Sesame.
4. Professor Hastings
If there’s one thing kids like, it’s boring lectures. That’s why Sesame Street introduced Professor Hastings, a Muppet whose lectures were so boring, he’d put himself to sleep. And as entertaining as an educational narcoleptic might be, the dull Professor didn’t last long.
For a bunch more ‘failed muppets and basic muppetology’ go to Mental Floss at:
http://blogs.static.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/40275.html
Related articles
- Bert and Ernie Are Not Gay: Sesame Street Rep (omg.yahoo.com)
- Sesame Street Asserts Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay (alan.com)
- Budget Cuts Wreak Havoc on Sesame Street (isoutrage.wordpress.com)
Broken Believers 