Category: humor

Sunday Funnies: Chocolate

Chocolate Understood: Funny Quotes

In the beginning, the Lord created chocolate, and he saw that it was good. Then he separated the light from the dark, and it was better.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who has sworn off fudge and chocolate.

I never met a piece of chocolate I didn’t like.

Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth person always lies. – John Tullius

I am not overweight. I am chocolate enriched.

There is no chocolate anonymous because no one wants to quit.

If at first you don’t succeed, have a chocolate.

If I must die let it be death by chocolate.

For some there’s therapy for the rest of us there’s chocolate.

 

In the cookies of life, friends are the chocolate chips.

Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don’t need an appointment.

There’s more to life than chocolate, but not right now.
 

Chocolate doesn’t make the world go around … but it certainly makes the ride worthwhile!

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt! – Lucy Van Pelt (in Peanuts, by Charles M. Schulz)

Exercise is a dirty word… Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

 

The divine drink, which builds up resistance and fights fatigue. A cup of this precious drink (cocoa) permits a man to walk for a whole day without food. – Montezuma, Aztec Emperor (c. 1480-1520)

 Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces. – Judith Viorst

 

 http://www.hersheys.com/
http://www.godiva.com/welcome.aspx
http://www.ghirardelli.com/ 

 

 

A Funny Cartoon (Which Makes Some Sense)

Very funny, but when I first saw it, I felt convicted.  I remembered the many times that I was a jerk about my faith, and very annoying to many.  I don’t want to get self-critical (that is spiritual quicksand) but I’m blessed to know all my sins have been forgiven, and my “good works” are not held against me.

Sunday Funnies: It’s a Dog’s Life!

Famous Dog Quotes

  • “Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.” — Unknown
  • “Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.” — Gene Hill
  • “In dog years, I’m dead.” — Unknown
  • “Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.” — Dave Barry
  • “Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx
  • “To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.” — Aldous Huxley
  • “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” — Robert Benchley
  • “Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.” — Sue Murphy
  • “I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.” — August Strindberg
  • “No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.” — Fran Lebowitz
  • “I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.” — Rita Rudner
  • “My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.” — Joe Weinstein
  • “If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.” — James Thurber
  • “You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.” — Nora Ephron
  • “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” — Ann Landers
  • “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” — Robert A. Heinlein
  • “In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.” — Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
  • “Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!” — Dr. Tom Cat
  • “There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” — Ben Williams
  • “When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.” — Edward Abbey
  • “Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.” — Unknown
  • “Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail.” — Unknown
  • “No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.” — Christopher Morley
  • “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” — Josh Billings
  • “Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.” — Holbrook Jackson
  • “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” — Andrew A. Rooney
  • “He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.” — Unknown
  • “If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.” — Mark Twain
  • “Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.” — Smiley Blanton
  • “I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.” — John Steinbeck
  • “Dogs love us,but they are very observant animals. I’m sure they notice that we keep the best food for ourselves.” — Markoff Chaney
  •  “Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork,  half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!” — Anne Tyler

Taken from:  http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2fy14Z/web.mit.edu/afs/athena.mit.edu/user/d/r/dryfoo/www/Funny-pages/handy-latin.html

Understanding Politics: The Short Version

Politics Explained

 

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

(Original source unknown )

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