“All day long my disgrace is before me,
and shame has covered my face.”
Psalm 44:15
Some of us truly understand shame. It’s like we have been dipped in it, we have wallowed in it, and awful things are sticking to us. We live out our lives in disgrace and in the sense of nasty embarrassment which we can’t truly resolve. And it effects all that we do, even in those rare moments we are not aware of it.
Sometimes I wish I was teflon.
I would love to have a ‘non-stick’ heart. There is often a constant sense of being totally insufficient as a person. It seems I can develop a deep awareness of being defective and unworthy. Many of us feel this way all the time. It is painfully welded to us, and we keep trying to figure how to break that dark bond that’s on our hearts and minds.
Sometimes mental illness thrives on that blackness.
Depression feeds on that stuff, it seems to cycle through us. Our pasts become its nourishment, and at certain times it flourishes. Sometimes it explodes in our minds.
A psychiatrist once told me that 90% of resident psych patients could go home, if only they knew they were truly forgiven.
Shame is a monster that is constantly tracking us. At times we can put some distance between us. But occasionally it leaps up on our backs and drags us down. We are humiliated with our guilt. That is precisely when we should scream out for help.
There are pastors and psychiatrists, therapists and friends who are most helpful. Practicing prayer and soaking ourselves in worship can drive the monster away. And maybe meds can often provide help. All of these have helped me.
Human beings were never created to bear guilt.
But we really don’t know what to do. Shame is vigorously parasitical and consuming. If it runs amok through your life it can and will destroy you. And it’s caustic, it erodes your relationships with others. It blocks grace.
“You know my reproach, and my shame and my dishonor; my foes are all known to you.” (Psalm 69:19)
“To the Lord our God belong mercy and forgiveness, for we have rebelled against him.” (Daniel 9:9)
God has made an incredible effort to remove your guilt. Your sin, though it is crimson red in its intensity and very obvious, becomes as white as snow. Your shame and guilt can be erased.
The blood of Jesus, and the cross, can free the guilty and give us real life.
Please trust Him in this. He wants to do this for you.
“Come now, let’s settle this,” says the Lord. “Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.”
Isaiah 1:18
Broken Believers 
Thanks again, brother, for continuing to fight for trust in our Father’s love. You give courage and hope to countless ragamuffins (like me).
One thought of response: perhaps shame sticks more to you (and to me, I can really relate!) because of our soft hearts, how we want to bless others (particularly broken others). Our greatest strength (loving hearts) makes us especially vulnerable to shame and self-contempt because we’re always trying to give our hearts away. Just a thought.
Thinking also of Henri Nouwen’s journal after his mental breakdown – “The Inner Voice of Love,” where he talks about this.
Peace to you my brother!
-Scott
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I like what the two ladies above have said. Your honesty and ability to share so freely, Pastor Bryan, allows the reader to know that you empathize. You’re going through what so many of us are also dealing with but may not be able to adequately put into words like you have. It’s a real pleasure reading your journey in print and an enlightening experience.
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Bryan, Why do you, and why do I, find it so hard to accept that our sin and our shame have already been eradicated? We are already white as snow in the eyes of the Father because of the blood of Jesus. Our past is irrelevant, except to the extent it helps us to be compassionate towards others who struggle. God remembers our sin no more the very moment we trust in Christ to pay for that sin. Why is that so hard to really grasp every moment of every day? Why do I hold fast to this truth one moment, and then the next am reminded of my sin and forget grace?
I am reminded of the wonderful old hymn “It is well with my soul.” My favorite verse is:
. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
. My sin, not in part but the whole,
. Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
I must cling to this truth, the my sin – all of it – has been nailed to the cross. Our Lord has had mercy on me, and on you, because He can do nothing else for the humble. His character demands such mercy. It is ours today and always. Peace, Linda
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Three questions. I believe they all have answers. I think where they get muddled is this area of faith. At times it’s good/strong. But at other times it’s weak/bad. But faith is the key, Hebrews chapter 11 spotlights a list of saints whose common denominator is faith. They vary and each had his/her own issues and circumstances.
Perhaps, a thousand years from now, we will have people reading about us?
ybic,
Bryan
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Pastor Bryan, I’ve been back on your blog quite a bit in the last week or two, after realising that once again my depression is relapsing. Thank you for providing this space to think, breathe, and remember where my focus should be – and often isn’t.
I keep hoping that the coupling of depression and faith will get easier – and though I’ve not seen that yet myself, I am so thankful for your words.
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Char, you will always have a place here on brokenbelievers. We are a community of rascals who are loved deeply (although I don’t know why, really.)
Faith is your parachute.
ybic,
Bryan
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