“The most important thing to remember about depression is this: you do not get the time back. It is not tacked on at the end of your life to make up for the disaster years. Whatever time is eaten by a depression is gone forever. The minutes that are ticking by as you experience the illness are minutes you will not know again.”
— Andrew Solomon (The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression)
I guess that is the strange futility of our depression. All the time we use up so much time by being depressed and it is not, given back to us. I have lost so much time due to my mental illness. When I get to the end of my earthly life, I will see how many weeks I spent in paranoia, fear, and anxiety. But on top of this, I have allowed depression to eat up months of my life.
To realize and know this loss is painful. I have lost way too much time in mental hospitals, and treatment centers. The halfway houses, and so many counseling sessions. Life has been snatched away from me, and time continues to pursue me relentlessly.
I have lost so much. I will never get it returned to me, in this lifetime. It’s gone, wasted and blown away by the wind. There is so much I regret, so much has been lost. This is one of the brutal aspects of mental illness. It seems as if I have wasted and frittered away a good chunk of my life.
Paranoia and self-deception have cruelly taken from me a great deal. I’ve been told that back in the 30s and 40s of terrible plagues of locusts that attacked and devoured American farms. The locust can quickly destroy trees, plants, and crops, and in this destruction, The prophet. sees a warning, and in this destruction of long ago, he discovers a wonderful promise of restoration.
“The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost
to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts,
the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts.
It was I who sent this great destroying army against you.”
Joel 2:25, NLT
So much has been wasted by the plague. It has been devoured and lost is to me completely. Dwelling on this terrible deficit can only drag me down further. A wasted life will take me to this grim and sad place. However, I do not have to live in this desolation.
You see, we have been given another chance. As sincere believers in the grace of God our lives are not to be considered wasted. His Spirit has intervened, and what was lost has now been found. Our ugly vacancies have been renewed and strengthened. And His love for us redeems all our lostness.
Let Him be the Lord of your past. Our life apart from Him has been savagely attacked. It seems we have completely opened our lives to darkness. Satan has cruelly tried to destroy us. But the Father has made an infinite effort to bring us home. Hallelujah!
- Brad DeLong: America’s Locust Years (economistsview.typepad.com)
- The Locusts (cmnguyo.wordpress.com)
- Locusts swarms destroy crops in Russia (theextinctionprotocol.wordpress.com)
- Self-Encouragement, Understood (brokenbelievers.com)
2 thoughts on “Lost Time, [Regrets]”
I needed this today. It reminded me why I’m writing my memoir — to show that the lost years of depression can be redeemed by our loving God.
Bless you my soul brother! What we lose in this life will be given back tenfold (I hope).
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