I once was told that depression is the inability to construct a future. Perhaps that is precisely where I’ve come to, this old despair that lies dormant until the conditions are just right— and then it explodes in burst of black dandelions.
For about three weeks, I had experienced being down. Somedays were much worse than others (and some where actually reasonable). I should of been more cautious. Afterall, I have twenty years of battling this old dragon that has been my most potent enemy. I suppose I got a bit arrogant. I know I felt immune.
I laid in bed, unable to get out for days. Obviously this was a concern, but I couldn’t find any strength to speak of. I couldn’t even pray.
“A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. 2 They gathered in such large numbers that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them.3 Some men came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them.4 Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. 5 When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”
Mark 2:1-5
There maybe some who wondered about the sins of this paralyzed man. I believe I may know:
- There were sins of despair—of God’s goodness.
- There would’ve been despondency of an unchanging future.
- And finally, anger at God’s decision to leave him paralyzed and a burden to his family and friends.
That paralyzed man was carried by his friends, and brought into Jesus’ presence. And that is exactly what happened to me. I’ve been astounded by those who carried me. This man had no strength on his own; he was “jello on a mat.” (I don’t mean to be crude or unfeeling).
My own tiredness lingers, I’m struggling to pray. I’m too unfocused, but I’ve been told that comes with the territory with the aftermath of a total depressive meltdown. But I know Jesus. It is His touch that I must have now.
Broken Believers 
Brian, thank you for your transparency in Christian Dom. I to suffer with mental illness, Thank you leading people to Christ from a point of weakness,as the Master
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Praying for your healing in this dark place, Pastor Bryan, and may God bring you close to Him and His eternal light inside of you. You have His love and ours with you, brother. Adrienne.
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No one can get out of the pit, unless someone reaches down. It has been a privilege to help pull Bryan out of that darkness, that I fully understand.
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Margaret, Thanks for your prayers and helping hand. I know Bryan greatly appreciates everyone’s support. Peace, Linda
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Amen! That’s supposed to be the way the body works, yah? That when you’re paralyzed, we carry you to Jesus. Thanks for helping us learn how to do that!
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Mary, Thanks for being part of the group of friends who carried Bryan and will continue to carry him until Jesus bids him walk again. Peace, Linda
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I believe that each of us, like the Apostle Paul, has some sort of “thorn” in our life to keep us humble and to remind us of our great need of God. I thank God that He has taught me that I cannot live today on yesterday’s manna of faith. His mercies are new every morning and so must my confession of faith in Him be as well.
May we never cease to praise God from whom ALL blessings flow — even those blessings that we do not immediately recognize as being a blessing.
kdr
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Pastor Bryan,
I am not one of the 915 followers, but I have been following your blog ever since I found it a few years back. I prayed for you when I read your ALARMING ‘Can’t Post’ entry the other day, asking our Lord to protect you during your season of darkness. I want you to know how grateful I am that you are BACK!!! God is using you in such a mighty way – PLEASE continue to share your life with us – thank you.
A closing thought: “And the Lord said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before Me in this generation.” (Genesis 7:1) God did not tell Noah to ‘go’ into the ark, but ‘come’ into it. This implies that God would go with him, would lead him into it, and in due time, bring him safely out. Applying this to the New Testament, when a flood of troubles, sickness or death comes, JESUS CHRIST is our ARK, and if we are IN Him, we are SAFE. Therefore, let us flee to HIM, who is our refuge and strength.
Lynne is truly a gift of God to you – I pray that she remains strong. Hopefully, better days are ahead for all of us. Keep looking unto Jesus.
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Marilyn, Thank you so much for your prayers for Bryan. Please continue to lift him up because, as you know, his ministry here is so very important to so many people. He does a great job of creating followers not of himself, but of Jesus. Many, like you, don’t officially “follow” the blog but regularly find hope and comfort here. Peace, Linda
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Amen. Amen. My day will be better already. Thank you for your courage. I had not heard that story for awhile. I was recently disowned by my own brother…(my dragon is named bi-polar). Jesus is the brother who never disowns us. Blessings to you, your wife and Linda and all who breeze through here.
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Kevin, Thanks. I am sorry to hear about your strained relationship with your brother. I can relate, though from a different perspective. I have a sister with bipolar and our relationship has been better than it is now. Having experienced major clinical depression myself for many years, I can to some extent understand her, but it’s still hard to maintain a healthy relationship. And it is even more difficult to get other family members who cannot relate to her mental illness at all to want to put in the effort necessary to do so. I pray that Jesus will heal your relationship with your brother and that he will learn to understand your dragon. Peace, Linda
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Have been praying for you this week from Atlanta. You are a blessing, and I hope each day gets a little better.
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Beth, Thank you for praying for Bryan. Please keep it up so that he can come back full time to this important ministry. Peace, Linda
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