Category: despair

What Not to Say to a Depressed Person

 

by Therese J Brochard

I’m always on the lookout for articles that touch on ways to communicate to a friend or family member who is depressed. It’s a delicate issue and one that deserves some serious attention.  What follows is what you should, and should not say to a loved one struggling with depression. — Bryan

Nearly 21 million adults in the United States experience clinical depression (aka major depressive disorder) every year.

Odds are someone close to you is among them.

 1. Snap out of it!

Your loved one hasn’t left the house in what seems like days. Should you tell him to pull himself up by his bootstraps and just snap out of it?

Don’t say it.

You may be tempted to tell someone who’s depressed to stop moping around and just shake it off. But depression is not something patients can turn on and off, and they’re not able to respond to such pleas. Instead, tell your loved one that you’re available to help them in any way you can.

 

2. What do you have to be depressed about?

In a world full of wars, hunger, poverty, abuse, and other ills, you may feel impatient when someone you love feels depressed. So do you remind him how lucky he is?

Don’t say it.

You can’t argue someone out of feeling depressed, but you can help by acknowledging that you’re aware of his pain. Try saying something like “I’m sorry that you’re feeling so bad.”

 

3. Why don’t you go for a nice walk?

Exercise is a known way to lift your mood. Is it a good idea to suggest that your loved one with depression go out and enjoy some fresh air and activity?

Say it — but with a caveat.

By definition, depression keeps you from wanting to engage in everyday activities. But you can show your support by offering to take a walk, go to a movie, or do some other activity with your loved one. How about: “I know you don’t feel like going out, but let’s go together.”

 

4. It’s all in your head.

Some people believe that depression is an imaginary disease and that it’s possible to think yourself into feeling depressed and down. Should you tell your loved one that depression is just a state of mind — and if she really wanted to, she could lift her mood with positive thoughts?

Don’t say it.

Suggesting that depression is imagined is neither constructive nor accurate. Although depression can’t be “seen” from the outside, it is a real medical condition and can’t be thought or wished away. Try saying instead: “I know that you have a real illness that’s causing you to feel this way.”

 

5. Seeing a therapist is probably a good idea.

You think your loved one could benefit from talking to a mental health professional. Should you say so?

Say it. And say it again.

Reinforcing the benefits of treatment is important. Encourage the idea of getting professional help if that step hasn’t yet been taken. This is especially important if your loved one has withdrawn so much that she is not saying anything. Try telling her, “You will get better with the right help.” Suggest alternatives if you don’t see any improvement from the initial treatment in about six to eight weeks.

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For other suggestions on what to say and what not to say, check out Everyday Health’s post.

Also, see Psych Central’s our list of the worst things to say to someone who’s depressed.

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Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, “Beyond Blue,” on Beliefnet.com.
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Elijah Had Issues as Well

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Elijah and the Angel

“Then Elijah walked for a whole day into the desert. He sat down under a bush and asked to die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he prayed. “Let me die. I am no better than my ancestors.”

1 Kings 19:4

Poor Elijah.  He was bold and heroic, taking on the enemy at Mt. Carmel.  A mighty victory was amazing, but here he is, completely defeated and overpowered by his own fear and doubt.  How defeated was he?  We hear him begging to be allowed to die. 

He was overwhelmed.

You could say that Elijah was saturated with fear.  He could not resist taking on the conflict.  It seemed to him that everything was now directed at him.  He couldn’t take one step forward.  So, he folded.  Everything was affecting him on a personal level, and he was not built to take the load.

Many of God’s children come to this point.

He was shorting out.  His internal circuits were not designed for this.  He crumbles under the weight.  As we read the text, it all seems to be a bit off.  We shake our heads and wonder about strange Elijah.  We see him incapacitated by his doubt and fear.  But it doesn’t seem to us to be an issue.  The prophets of Baal wouldn’t deceive the Israelites anymore. After all, he had just achieved a fantastic victory that should propel him to the next encounter.

“Elijah was a human being just like us.”

James 5:17

The servants of the Lord are vulnerable.  As we step into the flow of God’s presence we will come “face-to-face “with things that are beyond us.  Often we will find ourselves pushed beyond our limits, backed in a corner and stripped of our weaponry.  Our enemies now turn to face us without fear of reprisal.

Our Father deals gently with a wounded servant.

Elijah had been crippled.  He had nothing more to give.  We can shake our head, and pass him by as a casualty of a spiritual war. But the funny thing is that God tells his story, he has been added to the narrative of scripture.  His falterings, and failings has become our focal point.  Elijah, with all his issues must be faced, and we must look at him.

We see the tenderness and gentleness of God as He deals with His bruised servant. God loves His broken believers. (1 Kings 19:12-13).

His Spirit is oh so gentle.

He comes whispering.  He lifts Elijah at Elijah’s pace.  A painful rebuke, and there isn’t a harsh word of correction, it is not even considered.  Our Father deals carefully with a wounded servant.  Elijah would go on to serve Jehovah.  Elijah would be a changed man.

God had mended him.

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(Background: 1 Kings 18-19)

The Micro and the Macro: An Understanding

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John Piper, Pastor of Bethlehem Baptist Church, Minneapolis. Writer and Speaker, DesiringGod.org

Originally dated, July 14, 2008 | By: John Piper 

One of the reasons God rarely gives micro reasons for his painful providences, but regularly gives magnificent macro reasons, is that there are too many micro reasons for us to manage, namely, millions and millions and millions and millions and millions. God says things like:

  1. These bad things happened to you because I intend to work it together for your good (Romans 8).
  2. These happened so that you would rely more on God who raises the dead (2 Corinthians 1).
  3. This happened so that the gold and silver of your faith would be refined (1 Peter 1).
  4. This thorn is so that the power of Christ would be magnified in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12).

But we can always object that there are other easier ways for God to accomplish those things. We want to know more specifics: Why now? Why this much? Why this often? Why this way? Why these people?

The problem is, we would have to be God to grasp all that God is doing in our problems. In fact, pushing too hard for more detailed explanations from God is a kind of demand that we be God.

horseshoe-anvil-clipartThink of this, you are a blacksmith making horseshoes. You are hammering on a white hot shoe and it ricochets off and hits you in the leg and burns you. In your haste to tend to your leg you let the shoe alone unfinished. You wonder why God let this happen. You were singing a hymn and doing his will. Your helper, not knowing the horseshoe was unfinished gathered it up and put it with the others.

Later there was an invasion of your country by a hostile army with a powerful cavalry. They came through your town and demanded that you supply them with food and with shoes for their horses. You comply. Their commander has his horse shod by his own smith using the stolen horseshoes, and the unfinished shoe with the thin weak spot is put on the commander’s horse.

In the decisive battle against the loyal troops defending your homeland the enemy commander is leading the final charge. The weak shoe snaps and catches on a root and causes his horse to fall. He crashes to the ground and his own soldiers, galloping at full speed, trample him to death. This causes such a confusion that the defenders are able to rout the enemy and the country is saved. Now you might say, well, it would sure help me trust God if he informed me of these events so that I would know why the horseshoe ricocheted and burned my leg. Well maybe it would help you. Maybe not.

God cannot make plain all he is doing, because there are millions and millions and millions and millions of effects of every event in your life, the good and the bad. God guides them all. They all have micro purposes and macro purposes. He cannot tell you all of them because your brain can’t hold all of them.

Trust does not demand more than God has told us. And he has given us immeasurably precious promises that he is in control of all things and only does good to his children. And he has given us a very thick book where we can read story after story after story about how he rules for the good of his people. Let’s trust him and not ask for what our brains cannot contain.

 

http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/1307_why_god_doesnt_fully_explain_pain/

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Toxic Shame

“My disgrace is before me all day long,
and shame has covered my face.”

Psalm 44:15

Some years ago while in prayer I saw myself, apart of God. There was a marble fountain abandoned in a gorgeous courtyard. It was beautiful. As I looked I realized that it didn’t have clean fresh water like you might think, but it spewed feces and urine. It was gross, it was awful, and I immediately understood.

I suddenly realized that I was that marble fountain, and I was spouting out only filth.

Being ashamed is cruelty that can only destroy a person. We think we must have defense mechanisms to survive. We drink, use drugs, and get involved with sex. Some might put on a tie and raise their hands during our church worship time. Whatever works I suppose. Almost always shame drives us to look for ways to escape.

People who live with shame often feel worthless, depressed, and anxious.

Shame can be a contributing factor to depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. People who are constantly ashamed live out a difficult emotional and mental battle each and every day.

The Hebrew word for “shame” is disgrace, confusion, or dishonor.

I believe only the power and blood of Jesus can purify me. Only He has the ability to clean my spirit. In the New Testament, we see Jesus healing the leper with just a touch. Shame will be removed from your heart when He touches your own “leprosy” of sin.

Here are things you must consider.

  • Shame separates me from God.
  • Shame is a sign of self-hatred.
  • Shame makes me feel like giving up.
  • Shame leads me to go out and sin more.
  • Shame destroys the gifts that He is waiting for me to serve others.
  • Shame makes me judgemental and critical of others.
  • Shame weakens the Church in ways I can’t comprehend.

God intends to move you out of shame and guilt. You must have faith to put His Word into practice before you can be really free. It will probably be a battle–every day. Faith is the only way to freedom. The following promise is crucial.

“But if we confess our sins to him, he can be depended on to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. And it is perfectly proper for God to do this for us because Christ died to wash away our sins.”

1 John 1:9, LB

I must reiterate this, and use the authority God has given to me as a teacher of the Word, please shake off the humiliation you live in. You must do this.

I want you to be set free from shame.

Unless you step completely away from the shame of your life you’ll be destroyed by the enemy. I dare not pull any punches with you. I don’t mean to be hard, I really don’t. But I do understand. I really do.

“Once again you will have compassion on us. You will tread our sins beneath your feet; you will throw them into the depths of the ocean!”

Micah 7:19

You can be free from sin and shame. God has a way.

It is the cross of Jesus, and by His blood–that is the only way sin and shame can be cleansed from our lives. There is nothing else in the whole universe that will do this. Only the red blood can turn the black into white.

I strongly suggest you share your battle with another believer who will understand and be discreet. (Sharing this maybe is the step you’re missing?)

Shame is the ugly fountain that only produces deadly things. It’s that shame that keeps me from understanding that I’m the beloved of God and His precious child.