Category: internet

Things That Took Me 50 Years to Learn, by Dave Barry

that_wasnt_chicken

by Dave Barry

  • If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings.

  • You should not confuse your career with your life.

  • Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

  • The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

  • The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

  • Your friends love you anyway.

  • A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

  • Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Sail On, O Ship of State!

“The Republic” from “The Building of the Ship,”

by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1850)

Thou, too, sail on, O Ship of State!
Sail on, O UNION, strong and great!
Humanity with all its fears,
With all the hopes of future years,
Is hanging breathless on thy fate!
We know what Master laid thy keel,
What Workmen wrought thy ribs of steel,
Who made each mast, and sail, and rope,
What anvils rang, what hammers beat,
In what a forge and what a heat
Were shaped the anchors of thy hope!
Fear not each sudden sound and shock,
’T is of the wave and not the rock;
’T is but the flapping of the sail,
And not a rent made by the gale!
In spite of rock and tempest’s roar,
In spite of false lights on the shore,
Sail on, nor fear to breast the sea!
Our hearts, our hopes, are all with thee,
Our hearts, our hopes, our prayers, our tears,
Our faith triumphant o’er our fears,
Are all with thee,—are all with thee!

flourish1

“Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land.”

2 Chronicles 7:14, NLT

flag-icon

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

Sunday Funnies:

The Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist’s or haircut appointment by himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. God knew that as the keeper of the garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. God knew that Adam would need someone to blame his troubles on when he was caught hiding in the garden.

2. The Bible says, ” It is not good for man to be alone.”

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve……….

—-

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head and said, “I can do better than that.”


 Source: Public Domain Internet

The Creation of Moms

While the Good Lord was creating Mothers, He was well into his sixth day of overtime. Then an angel appeared and said, “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around on this one!”

And the Lord said, “Have you read the specifications of this order? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts, all replaceable. Run on black coffee and left overs. Have a lap that disappears when she stand up and a kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. Plus, she has to have six pair of hands!”

The angel shook her head slowly and said, “Six pair of hands!!? Not possible!”

“Oh, its not the hands that are causing me problems,” said the Lord. “It’s the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have.”

“That’s on the standard model?” asked the angel.

The Lord nodded. “One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, ‘What are you doing in there?’, when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn’t, but what she has to know. And of course, the ones here in the front that can look at a child and reflect, ‘I understand, and I love’ , without so much as saying a word.”

“Lord,” said the angel touching His sleeve gently, “Get some rest. Finish this tomorrow.”

“I can’t,” answered the Lord. “I’m so close to creating something so close to Myself. Already I have one that heals herself when she’s sick. Can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower.”

The angel circled the model of the mother very slowly and sighed, “But it’s too soft.”

“And yet she’s tough.” said the Lord excitedly. “You cannot imagine what the mother can handle or do!”

“Can it think?” asked the angel.

“Not only think, but it can reason and compromise!” answered the Creator.

Finally the angel bent over and ran her fingers across the mothers cheek. ‘There’s a leak!” she pronounced. “I told you. You were trying to put to much in this model! You can’t ignore the stress factor.”

The Lord moved in closer to look and gently lifted the drop of moisture to His finger where it glistened and sparkled in the light. “It’s not a leak,” He said. “It’s a tear.”

“A tear?” asked the angel. “What’s it for?”

“It’s for Joy, Sadness, Disappointment, Compassion, Pain, Loneliness and Pride.”

And the angel exclaimed, “You’re a genius!!!”

The Lord looked somber and replied, “I didn’t put it there.”

Source: Author Unknown
Related articles