“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”
2 Corinthians 12:9, NLT
“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”
— C.S. Lewis
I think I am often a creature of habit, far more than I’d like to admit. I rather think we choose our habits and inclinations. They, in turn, decide our paths. But I suppose we give ourselves too much credit, to decide and direct. Simply put, we are not that big. I honestly don’t think we have the power to steer our lives the way we like. That is what I’m thinking about today anyway.
Somebody once told me, “The purpose of life is not to find your freedom, but to find your master.”
I don’t live that way, at least my inner propensity does not include God. Did you ever think something like this? “I wish God did not exist. I want to be in charge, and I want to do, how I want to do, when I want to do it!”
Living it all with no rules and no accountability! Somehow I still seem to find myself sitting on my throne. I like this!
But as we get older, our hair goes gray and we look in the mirror and see bags and wrinkles, we realize how vulnerable and how tenuous life really is. If we are honest and sufficiently self-aware, we understand that we will never be able to seize control of the known universe.
“Life is what happens while you are making other plans,” John Lennon observed.
It seems that reality springs on you, and you have this bolt out of the blue that shocks you to the core. Life has happened, and you didn’t even realize it.
I sometimes look at myself in the mirror, not in vanity, but in steady amazement. The ugly tattoos, and the ‘track marks’ are from another life. I have scars on my wrists from a couple of suicide attempts. I have an amazing surgical zipper scar from a brain tumor. I have severe ataxia that makes me walk with a cane. I have lost the use of my right hand in an accident. But I am also learning how to be broken. And everything that has happened has happened for a reason.
C.S. Lewis once said, “Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn.”
I sense that he did learn, otherwise he couldn’t have said that.
Re-reading this I decided that I ramble a lot. Forgive me. Maybe there is scrap or two in it for someone.
“I came to you in weakness—timid and trembling.”
1 Corinthians 2:3
3 thoughts on “The Strange Ramblings of a Broken Believer”
I am finding this brokenness business a strange animal. It leads to a surrender which has made so much of my struggle a joke. I found strangely enough that when I quit fighting so hard that many, though not all, of my chains just fell off. Weird, huh? I told God today that He can just have it all, whatever is left of this life, it’s His. Wonder what He’ll do with it. Thanks again for your candid posts, it helps so much to learn that there are others out there who have battle raging within and I am not alone.
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Bryan, I don’t think this rambled at all. And it was just what I needed to hear today. Especially this, “I am learning how to be broken. And everything that has happened has happened for a reason.”
On the subject of C.S. Lewis quotes, earlier this year I bought a book called “The Quotable Lewis.” It’s about 600 pages of nothing but Lewis quotes with info on which book or essay they come from. Sometimes I just sit down and peruse what he had to say. Peace, Linda
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I should’ve cited my source. You will find this comment in “Mere Christianity.” I suggest that you Google to get a more refined citation. Oh came across this should be in the arsenal of any Lewis fan.
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