Category: humility

What Not to Say to a Depressed Person

 

by Therese J Brochard

I’m always on the lookout for articles that touch on ways to communicate to a friend or family member who is depressed. It’s a delicate issue and one that deserves some serious attention.  What follows is what you should, and should not say to a loved one struggling with depression. — Bryan

Nearly 21 million adults in the United States experience clinical depression (aka major depressive disorder) every year.

Odds are someone close to you is among them.

 1. Snap out of it!

Your loved one hasn’t left the house in what seems like days. Should you tell him to pull himself up by his bootstraps and just snap out of it?

Don’t say it.

You may be tempted to tell someone who’s depressed to stop moping around and just shake it off. But depression is not something patients can turn on and off, and they’re not able to respond to such pleas. Instead, tell your loved one that you’re available to help them in any way you can.

 

2. What do you have to be depressed about?

In a world full of wars, hunger, poverty, abuse, and other ills, you may feel impatient when someone you love feels depressed. So do you remind him how lucky he is?

Don’t say it.

You can’t argue someone out of feeling depressed, but you can help by acknowledging that you’re aware of his pain. Try saying something like “I’m sorry that you’re feeling so bad.”

 

3. Why don’t you go for a nice walk?

Exercise is a known way to lift your mood. Is it a good idea to suggest that your loved one with depression go out and enjoy some fresh air and activity?

Say it — but with a caveat.

By definition, depression keeps you from wanting to engage in everyday activities. But you can show your support by offering to take a walk, go to a movie, or do some other activity with your loved one. How about: “I know you don’t feel like going out, but let’s go together.”

 

4. It’s all in your head.

Some people believe that depression is an imaginary disease and that it’s possible to think yourself into feeling depressed and down. Should you tell your loved one that depression is just a state of mind — and if she really wanted to, she could lift her mood with positive thoughts?

Don’t say it.

Suggesting that depression is imagined is neither constructive nor accurate. Although depression can’t be “seen” from the outside, it is a real medical condition and can’t be thought or wished away. Try saying instead: “I know that you have a real illness that’s causing you to feel this way.”

 

5. Seeing a therapist is probably a good idea.

You think your loved one could benefit from talking to a mental health professional. Should you say so?

Say it. And say it again.

Reinforcing the benefits of treatment is important. Encourage the idea of getting professional help if that step hasn’t yet been taken. This is especially important if your loved one has withdrawn so much that she is not saying anything. Try telling her, “You will get better with the right help.” Suggest alternatives if you don’t see any improvement from the initial treatment in about six to eight weeks.

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For other suggestions on what to say and what not to say, check out Everyday Health’s post.

Also, see Psych Central’s our list of the worst things to say to someone who’s depressed.

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Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, “Beyond Blue,” on Beliefnet.com.
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A Permanent Slave

Body piercing is now acceptable: noses, tongues, and eye brows are the most common. There is another type of piercing, first seen in Deuteronomy 15.  

In Deuteronomy we read of slaves who are set free by their master, having served six years of service, and if they loved and were loved by their master, they could choose to remain a slave to him. 

“But if your slave says to you, “I don’t want to leave you,” because he loves you and your family and has a good life with you,17 stick an awl through his ear into the door; he will be your slave for life. Also do this to a female slave.” 

Deuteronomy 15:12-18 

This was a decision that required elders to act as witnesses.  It was significant as well as completely binding.  I like to think of the ceremony to be kind of a cross between a wedding and a circumcision. (Sounds fun, huh?!) 

The slave would be led to a doorpost, and the master would take an awl, and push it through his ear lobe.  This designated the slave to be forever “owned” by a specific master.  Herein lies a truth, a picture of a consecrated Christian. 

Many times, in the New Testament we are called to be servants (slaves) of Christ. Peter, Paul, James, and Jude referred to themselves as “bond servants of Jesus Christ” in their epistles. This is not forced servitude. It’s a choice made in love! 

There are many believers who have done the same; they have fallen in love with their Savior.  They do not plan on life apart from Him.  So spiritually they have gone to the doorpost, the awl is pushed through their ear, and they are marked from that point on. 

Although the ear was pierced physically in the Old Testament, a different kind of piercing takes place in the New Testament. It is “spiritual piercing.” In Romans 6:16 we read, 

“Surely you know that when you give yourselves like slaves to obey someone, then you are really slaves of that person. The person you obey is your master. You can follow sin, which brings spiritual death, or you can obey God, which makes you right with him.” 

Romans 6:16 

 When the prodigal son returned home from the far country he fell before his father and humbly ask, “make me your servant.” (Luke 15:19,21) He, in essence, was saying to the father, “pierce my ear.” The father made him a son, but the attitude of the son’s heart had changed to the heart of a servant. So, it must be with us. 

It is then that we can live a pierced ear life, revealing to all that we are servants of Jesus Christ! 

“Savior, I know Thou hast allowed me absolute liberty, to serve Thee, or to go my own way. I would serve Thee forever, for I love my Master. I will not go out free. Mark my ear, Lord, that it might respond only to Thy voice.” 

— Jim Elliot, Missionary and Martyr

Simply Mary at Jesus’ Feet

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We see Mary three times in the gospels, and each time she is in the same posture — “at Jesus’ feet.” When we have our first glimpse within the Bethany home, we find Martha in her characteristic attitude– working and serving; and Mary we see sitting at the Master’s feet, sitting eagerly and listening to His words.

Our second view of Mary is when Jesus came back to Bethany after the death of Lazarus, and the sisters went out to meet Him. Again, we see her at the feet of Christ. But this time in deep sorrow, seeking comfort. And then we observe her a third time. She has come to anoint the feet of Jesus. We find her again, at Jesus’ feet, and now she is honoring her Lord.

She has this peculiar habit, and that is to be at the feet of Jesus. 

It is her natural posture. I believe that she feels entirely comfortable in this place.  I have personally seen sparrows’ nest on a sheer cliff hundreds of feet straight up, without any apprehension at all. I have been astonished at their daring and simple confidence.  And Mary has this spunk.  She has that certain easy and confident boldness.

Martha, the oldest, obviously has the theology.  We see her taking issue with Jesus, she is questioning, and confronting.  But with Mary it seems, there is a quiet contentment and a rest.  An open readiness to receive. We don’t see that too much, but Mary was a “learner.”  She had become learned in the grace of trusting simply.

The greatness of her love enabled her to kneel. 

She was centered on her Master, He was the focus of her attention.  We dare not minimize this, or try to focus on something less “holy.” This is not something we can easily duplicate, because it proceeds out of a heart that is absorbed in love.  It may appear to be unseemly, and we scratch our head with nervous skepticism.  But it seems whenever Mary comes into the presence of Jesus, she works her way to the front– so she can sit with Jesus. (Interestingly, the Orthodox Church regard Mary to be the first real disciple.)

We have so much to learn from Mary.  Our Christian life can be very shallow and seem rather anemic.  We live in a culture that is racked in intellectualism and pride.  When we engage it we may end up with a bit of haughtiness and a lot of selfishness to deal with.  Mary can be our compass, and our example as we crash through these issues into authentic discipleship.  She really does deserve to be esteemed, and recognized for inspiring us to be with Jesus.

Lord Jesus, thank you for Mary.  May I become like her and have you very close. I want to sit at your feet.  I choose you. I choose to be with you.

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A Believer in Pain

by Joni Eareckson Tada

My chronic pain makes my quadriplegia feel like a walk in the park.

People often ask how I manage my pain. Well, when its fangs sink deep into my hips and back, that’s my signal. I begin deep breathing, slow and steady. And when fiery pain threatens to overtake me—just as the flames threatened to consume Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in that fiery furnace found in the book of Daniel—I have a conversation with it.

I don’t say, “I can’t stand this; it’s killing me,” because words like that are fraught with anxiety. Fear only makes things worse. Instead, I calmly ask Jesus to meet me in my pain, to not let it crush me. And the Son of God never fails to meet me, just as he met those three Hebrews in that hot furnace of fire.

And what does Jesus say to me in that agonizing place of pain?

He comforts me with his own words. He will say something like, “Joni, my Spirit inspired 2 Corinthians 4:8 for a good reason. For although you are ‘hard pressed on every side,’ you will not be crushed.”

Oh, what a promise! Pain may tighten its vice grip, but it cannot crush me. As I cling to God’s promises, my pain pushes me further into Jesus’s heart. There is nothing sweeter than finding my Savior in the middle of my hellish circumstances. It helps deflect the pain and helps me to suffer well. Jesus helps me be in that unhappy place well.

All the years I’ve lived in my wheelchair, I never got delivered from pain. But I met my Deliverer in it. I didn’t get healed, but I found intimate fellowship with the Healer.

Friend, pain does not have to crush you.

As you courageously look at the stern countenance of pain and enter unafraid into its recesses, you will defang it of its terror. You’ll see that the Lord is in your pain, having transfigured it to become a place of union with him. Jesus conquered the insidious ways of pain and because of that, he is your best prescription for pain—whether it’s in your hip, your head, or your heart.

And remember, there is a glorious day coming when it says, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4). Until then, when pain encroaches, start deep breathing and cling to a Bible promise. There are thousands to hold onto.

Perhaps my favorite is this one uttered by almighty God to you and me, promising, “I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you” (Isaiah 46:4b).

And he will. He promised.

Joni Eareckson Tada

https://joniandfriends.org/