Category: God

Managing God: We Insist on Quality!

God’s Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol’ me
___ Near Death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________

 2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No

If not, please describe here the problems you initially encountered. Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Michael Vick, Tiger Woods)
___ When beseeched, doesn’t stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply.

___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Ted Haggard
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________

6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

___ Odin
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ A burning cabbage
___ mushroom
___ Other: ________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer. (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don’t know – what’s Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God’s handling of the following: (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

Disaster:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship

Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President                                      

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

1 2 3 4 5 God’s Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services? (Attach additional sheet(s) if necessary.)

 

-Writer unknown

***

“It is the glory of God to conceal a thing, but the glory of kings to search out a matter.”  (Proverbs 25:2).

Flight Control

” But the people who trust the Lord will become strong again.
    They will rise up as an eagle in the sky; 
       they will run and not need rest; 
       they will walk and not become tired.”

Isaiah 40:31

To ‘renew’ your strength carries the idea of change– just as if you would change your clothes to go somewhere special.  The NCV translates this to “become strong again.”  I trade the clothes of weak patheticness, and wear intended strength that He gives.  God fully intends that we put on His greatness when we come before Him.

He does not want us to merely have a ‘changed life,’ but He really wants us to have an ‘exchanged life.’  He doesn’t intend to better us.  But He insists on exchanging His life for ours.  A trade if you will– the ugly for the pure, and the black for the white.    He absorbs our sin, and He gives us His righteousness.  We give Him desperate weakness, and He gives us an awesome strength.

But there is a time thing.  We will need to wait.  The transaction has already taken place.  It all has been transferred to your account.  Our waiting will never be too long.  The ultimate end will happen.  Until then, we must trust and obey, in anticipation of a wonderful thing.  We will not, or never be– ashamed.

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Don’t Be Afraid, Just Trust

“Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 8 Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.

9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1, NIV

 

 I remember taking a ride  in a glass bottomed boat in the tropics.  Such a deep and vivid display rolled out before me.  It was beautifully complex, and my tiny view into the depths was quite exceptional.  To think, this is all unfolding even when we aren’t looking.  It is a world completely beyond our own.  There are several valid  and living principles embedded in these verses.  As we gaze into these depths we are magnificently drawn to Him in many ways.  These verses are sublime.   Thinking such thoughts is one of reasons we were created for.

The promises of God are really not that hidden or secret.  We only have to look into this “leather bound’  book.  When we look to the point of exclusion of everything else,  we are sure to see things that we never dreamed of.  In Joshua, chapter 1, we get a deep view of how God starts touching a human soul.  Certain issues get negotiated.  Joshua is brought into compliance to God’s intention.

And us.  What can we say?  Some of us may hold that Joshua was the exception and substantially distinct.  But I think, in a most sincere way possible, he was the norm.  When God deals most exceptionally with our open hearts.  He will always bring us to the compliance of Joshua.  What Joshua did was quite exceptional, and yet it was very ordinary and only moderately intense. Faith translates and makes the transition.

These verses somehow magnetically draw us to obedience.  The command is to courageous.  Courage is definitely a very rare commodity for us.  Joshua is brought to this point, and he must trust to the place of personal loss, or whatever it takes.

Success is being  highlighted.  And than the Word, and when you mix the two, it develops into something that is spiritually elegant and complete.  Meditating, or the original Heb. which means to ruminate, brings us to the delightful moment of digestion.  We can never just take in God’s Word.  We must “process it.”  That takes not just time, but chewing and swallowing.  It is not gulped, but it has to be assimilated.  It must be “intelligently chewed.”  We must nibble, and never try to gulp, no matter how sweet it is.

Joshua was requested to keep the Word, completely and situational in front of him.  Success would come, but only come if he would simply obey.  Obedience seems like such a bitter truth.  I must confess, I honestly hate obedience.  Christianity can be terribly hard it seems, especially so when it is active, real and “in place.”  I admit I’m not 100 per cent sure.  But I know enough that I should trust, but although it took me fifty years.

One of the main themes found in these verses is the idea  the idea that God’s presence is that it is specifically focused on me.  When He concentrates on me, when He makes me His bullseye, it has a momentum to transform me.  God’s rich presence starts to foment in me, I can transform into another person.  Joshua was changed as he processed rightfully the nearness of his Father.  Help me Lord, to follow you into this intimacy.  Give me your understanding, inject yourself into here, in my feeble thought and understanding.

Sheep Who Stray Away

“It is well to be the sheep of God’s pasture, even if we have been wandering sheep. The straying sheep has an owner, and however far it may stray from the fold, it ceases not to belong to that owner.
 
I believe that God will yet bring back into the fold every one of His own sheep, and they shall all be saved. It is something to feel our wanderings, for if we feel ourselves to be lost, we shall certainly be saved; if we feel ourselves to have wandered, we shall certainly be brought back.”
 
–Charles Spurgeon
 
As mentally ill people we seem to be always straying.  We are usually very impulsive, and much more vulnerable to things that don’t seem to bother the “norms.”  But because our need is so much greater we find that grace is also multiplied.  We belong to His flock as much as the ‘wonderful’ sheep do.  We can rest (as well as we can) in Him and in His reputation as a ‘good’ Shepherd.