depression – Page 48 – Broken Believers

Scorners Have a Certain Power

I finally broke through and realized that I am a consummate scorner. I have cultivated this for many years, and especially the last five. I will tell now, I am to scorning as Tiger Woods is to golf. I have been diagnosed with Hepatitis C, a durmoid brain tumor, lung issues with a chemical accident, manic-depression requiring extensive hospitalization, and a low thyroid requiring meds. And, on top of this, the death of a newborn daughter.

My faith has been extremely challenged through all of this. I have pastored a church and taught classes at a local Bible college, all with a lot of enthusiasm and purpose. My students and my congregation were being blessed. But all of this pretty much disintegrated around me and I found myself with a whole lot of nothing.

Scorn has never been anything I gravitated to. But it has ‘seeped’ into my thinking, through a slow and steady presence. It works like mercury poisoning. It has touched me as a gradual toxin, slowly sickening me with its constant contact. I haven’t been connected with the light as I should have. But over an extensive amount of time, a venomous and noxious filth has been introduced into my heart and my thinking. It must be like watching someone die from ‘radiation sickness’.

To scorn means to become ” ‘competous’, disdainful, scornful, to mock.” I never, ever dreamed I would be brought to this point. But life has continuously rolled over me, and I find I just can’t make it work anymore. I definitely do understand the promises of God. But I definitely do not understand God’s grace on me. But you might as well try to explain the color ‘blue’ to a blind man.

I am Bryan, the scorner. I am also ‘a spiritual beggar’, with a significant mental illness. I should be on the streets pushing a shopping cart and drinking cheap vodka. When I start to scorn, I get mean and cynical. I’m contemptuous and I sneer at whatever crosses my path that day. I hear voices and ‘tune in’ radio stations. All I lack is a ‘tin-foil’ hat, which I have seriously considered.

My depression molds my thinking, and my despair rules the rest. The promises of God are not for me, and they seem to always be out of my reach. In many ways, I am an ‘unbelieving’ believer (there are many people like us). My own frosty coldness and hardness never seems to amaze me. I don’t want to be this way. God, help me please.

A defining word, for people like me is this: “self-forgiveness“. I consider myself above average when it comes to forgiving others. I look forward to forgiving others. But, I just cannot forgive myself. I simply can’t let myself ‘get off the hook’. At times I do sense a comfort and a peace over these sins, but very soon they begin to rub me raw. Like blisters, or ‘a stone in my shoe’, I begin to limp again. They are incredibly persistant.

This is not self-pity. I am not looking for any manner of attention or warm hugs. I do though want to open up my darkness so the light gets in. I must learn to forgive myself, if I will ever walk clean. This is imperative. The adulteress who fell at Jesus’ feet and wept managed to forgive herself of a great deal of sin. Those of us with mental illness/addictions have to come to this same point. Is Jesus’ love enough to cover me?

Disciples Wearing Steadfastness

“The steady discipline of intimate friendship with Jesus results in men becoming like Him.”

Harry Emerson Fosdick

Finally. A voice of reason and understanding in our quest for to be Christlike. A very simple dynamic that stresses personal intimacy. As we walk and talk with Him we are affected, we absorb things by rubbing up to Him. We become altered. But it takes a “steady discipline” (that is probably the most intense words in this quote).

Steadiness is a very undervalued commodity. This culture— my culture— has minimized this particular quality, and inflated others to take its place. We put a new weight on certain things that eventually ‘throw off’ the equilibrium of our discipleship. We extract ‘steadiness, or faithfulness’ from our faith and we are left with something that is only a “disciple” in pretense or personal confusion.

Being steadfast means you are dependable and stable. It is evidence ‘exhibit A’ that you have the Holy Spirit infecting you.

‘But as for you,^(A) O man of God,^(B) flee these things.^(C) Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness.’

1 Timothy 6:11

When we are in pursuit of something, we become incredibly focused. Our peripheral vision is adjusted and we become focused on just reaching our goal. Paul told Timothy to make these things his target, and then to pursue them. But this particular verse, embedded as it is with concepts of discipleship is rarely (maybe never) given more than a fleeting glance. Perhaps is is just too boring?

Admittedly there is a plethora of choices. Our fellowships had just passed out spiritual menus for us to order from. (As it that were possible.)

Count it all joy, my brothers,^[b] when you meet trials^(F) of various kinds, ³for you know that^(G) the testing of your faith^(H)produces steadfastness.⁴And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be^(I) perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

James 1:2-4

If we fully intend to become ‘biblical’ we will refocus on all that God wants to hear. We are pretty much in peril if we buy into a gospel that is not balanced on the New Testament scales. We will not grow at all if all we eat are “spiritual snicker bars”.

People like us are almost always trying to balance ourselves. Bipolar depression is a vicious illness of extremes. One day we are into this, and then we shift to another thing. We walk a tightrope it seems, even while others are enjoying themselves in a steady, solid and comfortable walk of discipleship. Being aware of your balance, propensity and momentum is a valuable asset to have.

Polluted Hearts

The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep recognize his voice and come to him. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.

John 10:3

But God’s strong foundation continues to stand. These words are written on the seal: “The Lord knows those who belong to him,” and “Everyone who wants to belong to the Lord must stop doing wrong.”

2 Timothy 2:19

Identity is necessary. We can only prosper if we know who and exactly what we are. This may seem basic, but it’s coming at us through a culture that is murky and foul. The world offers up an evil concoction that pollutes and contaminates all that it can.

Our identity is exclusively based on what the Lord has done. It is we who must ‘catch-up’. He calls us by name, which staggers us and causes us to doubt. Who are we, and why us? We must deal with this ‘calling’ business– their must be some kind of mistake.

But Lord knows. In spite of all that we know about ourselves, He entertains Himself of a more subterranean assessment of us. He simply scoops us up, deeper and wider than we can spread out our pollution. He picks us up beyond our ability to contaminate. We are His, with all our foulness and evil attached.

We now have an identity. We have become His possession. Gummy, sticky decay and all. We are transferred out of a poisonous and ugly situation to be transplanted into a wholesome and healing environment. This is radical, and cannot be manipulated by our effort or control.

We find ourself to be transplanted into a good place. And it is there where we receive our new name. With that new name comes a new identity, and purpose. We are no longer poisonous or toxic to others. We cannot defile them with our concentrated evil. Our new name begins to affect us and others. He deals with us in a radically different manner.

He starts to lead us out by name. This brings us a security and a contentment we have never known. We belong to Him! That realization is profound and staggering. Who are we, that He should be so kind? Our lives were embedded with evil, and darkness of every kind imaginable. Now we are His?

He knows all that is His. He has marked us and led us through the pollution. We pass through the toxicity and the filth and He intends to bring us all the way out and all the way home. We do nothing, but say ‘yes’! It’s then we realize that we can do nothing to save ourselves. He is quite solitary about salvation and He intends to receive eternal glory for your deliverance.