Came across this on one of those strange trips through the internet. It had me laughing so hard, that I shot milk out on my nose! I hope that you will do the same, lol.
The female makes the rules. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. No male can possibly know all the rules. If the female suspects the male knows the rules, she must immediately change the rules. The female is never wrong. If the female is mistaken, it is a direct result of something the male did or said wrong. The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding. The female may change her mind at any time. The male must never change his mind without the written consent of the female. The female has the right to be upset or angry at any time. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset. If the female has PMS, all the rules are null and void. The male is expected to mind read constantly and act accordingly. Any attempt to document the rules could result in actual bodily harm. The male who doesn’t abide by the rules can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
If Eva, Susanne, Juliet and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Eva, Susanne, Juliet and Michelle. But if John, Mike, Tom and Ed go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
Only a woman can understand:
Why it’s good to have five pairs of black shoes.
The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white. Crying can be fun. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes. AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND: OTHER WOMEN!
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Motel 6.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women don’t enjoy humor that makes fun of others’ physical shortcomings. By contrast, men make fun of just about everyone. Women don’t tell jokes – they tell stories.
7. Eating out:
When the bill arrives, Stewart, Billy and Jack will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
9. Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.
Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day – lifelong.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
16. How to Please Another:
Follow this advice if you wish to impress your girlfriend.
Compliment her; respect her; honor her; cuddle her; caress her; love her; kiss her; stroke her; buy things for her; tease her; comfort her; protect her; hug her; hold her; spend money on her; wine and dine her; listen to her; care for her; stand by her; support her; hold her.
How to Please a Man
Follow this advice if you wish to impress your boyfriends.
Show up naked; Bring beer.
When you marry your miss right, remember her first name is “always”
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some shorties living in the house.
Women that are over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
But young women remember everything, men forget everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.