They tell me that courage is to do something that frightens you. That it is being strong in the face of pain and suffering. If that’s true (and I suspect that it is) then I haven’t arrived yet. I’m a spiritual “chicken.” I’m no eagle yet.
It seems at times I’ve been ‘gifted’ with cowardice! 😁
I struggle at times with chronic depression, and am physically handicapped. I have lost the use of my right arm and hand. I no longer have any balance and must use a cane. This is due to a brain tumor I had in 2002. I’ve had over a dozen head injuries which only has compounded the ataxia.
I admit I sometimes get angry with God. I also get spiritually confused as I try to walk like Jesus wants me too. My frustration with Him is all foolishness when I think of all He has given me. I pretend at these times, and I do it well I think.
I’m also afflicted with a terrible disease called “Facebookitist.”
I find that this blog I write sometimes covers up a multitude of my own sins. You see and read what I want you to see. I polish up things to preserve a modicum of spiritual decency. I want you to see me as faithful and triumphant. A real disciple, (but alas, that’s often a bit of a stretch).
“When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games. Aristotle said I am a rational animal; I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer.”
“To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God’s grace means.”
“As Thomas Merton put it, “A saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God.”
Brennan Manning
I once was confronted by a younger believer, “I don’t know you, brother, you’re like two different people.” And honestly I’m sure he was right. I am, and it disturbs and saddens me.
And what is the truth often scares me. I’m often a spiritual coward who tries to speak the things that are real and true. (A clown trying very hard to play “Hamlet.”) I occasionally realize I will write something that’s spiritually false, and that scares me. “Kyrie Eleison.” God have mercy on me, a sinner.
I think all I want is God’s stamp of approval. “Well done, good and faithful servant.”
And perhaps yours as well?
I realize that I end up wanting truth which is no small thing. Many lies must be stripped away and that seems to take time. It’s like scraping away layers of varnish on a table you’re working on. I’m pretty much coated with sin. I desperately need the truth to survive.
All I really know is that I love Jesus, and I seek to be filled with His spirit. I keep coming, over and over, to Him. He holds on to me.
“If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.”
“Jesus comes not for the super-spiritual but for the wobbly and the weak-kneed who know they don’t have it all together, and who are not too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace.”
Brennan Manning
Broken Believers 
Hello Pastor Bryan
I believe you are stronger than you think cause not every Pastor out there would be Humble enough to open up like you do.
You do have been going threw ALOT for a very long time dealing with big health issues in your body, mind and soul!
May i say to you that i want to thank you for being transparent and speaking about your big struggles!
We all have our struggles.
Some live small struggles and some big and hard ones just like you and it must not be easy at all!
And there are some who live there struggles by hiding them But We All Need Jesus!
I want to thank you so very much because when i found your blog many years ago, I was very,very sick! And i was so greatful for finding this kind of blog. Being a Christian,
I was so messed up but it did me some good to read your blogs and what suffering people were writing too.
I wrote too a couple of times.
I went through,
Big depressions, general anxiety, OCD (intrusive thoughts) BLP.
Cutting myself alot…21 electrochoc s ,overly dosing medications.
Past my time going in and out of the hospital.
It was bad!!! 22 years of cutting.
Many times in a week going to the hospital to have stitches
Drs didn’t know what to do with me!!
Now i live alone !
Never in all my married life that i would have thought nor imagine this but the truth came out that my husband had a double life!
My psychologist told me that my husband was a pervert narcissist and that he was making me sick!
I didn’t know what she meant but i know my husband was an alcoholic. That was very hard for me cause of my childhood too.
Something unacceptable my husband did and i left and i lived in a womens shelter for 51/2 monthes.
I have my 3 1/2 appartement. Its peaceful, quiet.
In March it would of been 40 years married!
My dreams that i desired so badly that my husband would walk with Jesus hand in hand together never happened.
Broken into pieces that i had to leave and so affected of stories i still hear but i must say this
Since i have left
I didn’t cut myself once (it makes 1 year and 4 monthes )
No more big stomach pain
No more over dosing myself
No more going in the hospital!
Yes! Its crasy so much hurt and painful trying to realize that the man next to me, almost 40 years i thought i knew him but i was blinded I loved him and i still do but i see so much clearer now.
Playing with my mind like my father that too stained my life by living this horrible GUILT all the time! All my life!
But now i know Jesus is with me and got me out !
Its very scary at 60 years old but God told me many times that He will take care of me.
I am learning to put all my trust, my pain to Jesus and going through the path of forgiveness! I know its a choice but i need the Lord to help me.
Well i am really much better but i must continue to work to surrender all and trust the Lord
God Bless you
Tina Morneau
LikeLike
Thank you!! This is really wonderful!! When you speak of your ailments, I think of John 10:10 and how Jesus talks about the war that we are in…and how your writing brings abundant life as it says in that verse. ✝️🙏
LikeLike
Ha! Yes! Exactly! And the rest of us who are (perhaps) more able-bodied are just as cowardly, just as unhinged…Manning and Merton are good companions to keep on the way. You are beautiful, perfect and beloved in JESUS’ eyes…which is all that matters.
LikeLike
I have chronic fatigue syndrome, and I live in rural northern Wisconsin where there is not emotional and sensitive circumspection of the secular population to comprehend the complexity of this disease. Moreover, I am surrounded by Mennonites who think this is all in my head, that if I would just try harder, I would be fine. Therefore, mine is truly an isolated, misunderstood existence, which has led to an intimacy with Jesus. I meet with Him often in the surrounding woods, as that is the repose which keeps me afloat.
LikeLike