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The Rigidity of Evil

I have a heart--but it is broken and crushed.
I have a heart–but it is broken and crushed.

Today I realized that I was sick and very tired of myself. It’s really not disgust, or even loathing. It’s more like a weariness, an exhaustion. I’ve never felt this way. In a strange way it intrigues me. Could this definite disenchantment mean something spiritual? Does it have value, or am I just feeling self-absorbed or conceited?

There is a real rigidity to evil. As I have seen it– sin hardens all who touch it, plain and simple. My growing immobility disturbs me, as I know I’m developing a “hardness of heart.” Atherosclerosis is a condition of a sick heart where arteries become blocked. It’s also known as “hardening of the heart, or arteries.” It is a patient killer, slowly and surely making hard deposits that block the flow of blood.

The Bible speaks about having a hard heart. It also uses the metaphor of fallow ground that must be plowed up. Jesus used the same image in His “Parable of the Sower” in Matthew 13.

“A sower went out to sow. 4 And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them. 5 Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they did not have much soil, and immediately they sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, 6 but when the sun rose they were scorched. And since they had no root, they withered away. 7 Other seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. 8 Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain.”

There are only four real options.

  • The first is seed that never arrives.
  • The second lands on hard stones.
  • The third possibility is landing on thorns and thistles.
  • Only the fourth flourishes.

    Heart of Stone Heart of Flesh
    The Battle of the Heart

The question I have is this, can the hard soil become soft, and can the good soil become overgrown with thistles? Is this a static, set experience? Or could it be far more fluid? I seem to move from one soil condition to another.

I have found that my own  heart drifts. Manic Depression is a mental illness where emotions fluctuate constantly. They gallivant around, floating here and than there. I maybe depressed and suicidal in the morning, and then I can be euphoric in the evening. It’s having the identity of a “wandering star.”

I want my heart to soften. I want to sit with Jesus and hear His words. I need Him to share what He is thinking about. Any sin I entertain has a hardening effect in my spiritual heart. This really scares me. *


ybic, Bryan


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The Inertia, [Apathy]


“Science may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all – the apathy of human beings.”

Helen Keller


As I suffer with manic depression I have come to see that much grief comes not from mania, and not from the debilitating depression. These are both substantial, but my biggest issue has to do with the inertia that lies between these two poles. There is a paralysis– an apathy that immobilizes me. And this is as bad as any other state of mind.

“And Elijah came to all the people, and said, “How long will you falter between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow Him; but if Baal, follow him.” But the people answered him not a word.”

1 Kings 18:21

My passivity is disturbing, and bipolar disorder is as much of “detachment” as it is of extremes. I sit and stare, not able to motivate myself to get up and do something. I’m not really depressed, but nor am I manic– I’m just “there” unable to find energy to do anything. Life just rolls over me.

Perhaps the most deadly sin is this “faltering between two opinions?” We are content to just sit and watch with no commitment. We’re content to let things just roll on by as we sit in our inertia and passiveness. This is the part of my BP that scares me the most (or at least it should.)

If you suddenly went up in flames I wouldn’t stir. Yes, it would get my attention, but I probably wouldn’t do anything, (I’d probably just take notes for my book.)

Inertia is not just a part of a mental illness. It effects normal people as well, and there are degrees of it. The average person it seems will avoid making a real decisive decision at all costs. Inertia can be encountered in any church (ask a pastor who tries to get volunteers) or workplace.

In his day, Elijah cried out for a decision from the Israelite people. I have to believe he was disturbed not only by the idolatry– but by the passiveness of the bystanders. Their neutrality was a big issue.

Joshua would call out to a passive people these words:

“But if you refuse to serve the Lord, then choose today whom you will serve. Would you prefer the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates? Or will it be the gods of the Amorites in whose land you now live? But as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord.”

Joshua 24:15

I know my own heart, and I know my own spiritual paralysis. Rather than commit myself, I would rather settle down on a sofa and just let things happen. I’m quick to point out how those in the arena are doing it all wrong. I’m ready to criticize, but unwilling to volunteer.

Mental illness is filled with ordinary things, but often in the wrong proportions. When we do things it is extreme or not at all. My own apathy is just a mirror of what happens in the hearts of normal people.

I may be excessive, but my own issues have made me aware of what is happening in others.


“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

–Theodore Roosevelt

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Words of Life, [Healing]



This is one of the perils of being a writer. I know what I want to say, but seldom am I understood. It comes as a part of the job description and it chafes.

Actually, many experience the same thing. We desire clarity but end up misunderstood. I believe there are quite a few people who can relate to this issue.

We are “communicators” by nature; some do a bang-up job of it, others, not so much. Being misunderstood is the norm of many.

“Gracious words are like a honeycomb,
    sweetness to the soul and health to the body.”

Proverbs 16:24

The book of Proverbs speaks directly on this dilemma. Healthy words cut through the fog and bring light and hope to others. I’m guessing that we shouldn’t want to sound profound, but humble and gentle and gracious. Wisdom fits in here also.

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

Proverbs 12:18

Here we read of people whose rash words are compared to a sword thrust. They jab and cut. They are malicious and hurtful. I seem to do this far too often.

Others have the opposite outcome. Their words bring healing. I have known people like this. There seems to be a “superpower” to what they say. They don’t say things to sound profound, yet healing seems to follow them around.

Words are powerful; they pierce or they heal. I want what I say and write to have a healing effect on others. I must remember that the tongue speaks only what is in the heart.

Give us true hearts, O God. I want to carry healing to others.

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Still Figuring It All Out, [Hopeful Wisdom]


And I’m Still Learning

I’ve learned — 1
that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned — 2
that no matter how much I care,
some people just don’t care back.

I’ve learned — 3
that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned — 4
that it’s not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned — 5
that you can get by on charm
for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you’d better know something.

I’ve learned — 6
that you shouldn’t compare
yourself to the best others can do
but to the best you can do.

I’ve learned — 7
that it’s not what happens to people
that’s important. It’s what they do about it.

I’ve learned — 8
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned — 9
that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.

I’ve learned — 10
that it’s taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned — 11
that it’s a lot easier
to react than it is to think.

I’ve learned — 12
that you should always leave
loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned — 13
that you can keep going
long after you think you can’t.

I’ve learned — 14
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned — 15
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I’ve learned — 16
that regardless of how hot and steamy
a relationship is at first, the passion fades,
and there had better be
something else to take its place.

I’ve learned — 17
that heroes are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned — 18
that learning to forgive takes practice.
Yet it is always worth the work.

I’ve learned — 19
that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don’t know how to show it.
And, never bother to learn

I’ve learned — 20
that money is a lousy way of keeping score,
and an even poorer way of showing love.

I’ve learned — 21
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I’ve learned — 22
that sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you’re down
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned — 23
that sometimes when I’m angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn’t give me
the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned — 24
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance…
and so does true love.

I’ve learned — 25
that just because someone doesn’t love you
the way you want them to, doesn’t mean
they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned — 26
that maturity has more to do with
the way you handled experiences in life
and the lesson you learned from them,
and less to do with how many
birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I’ve learned — 27
that you should never tell a child
their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.
Few things are more humiliating, and
what a tragedy it would be
if they believed it.

I’ve learned — 28
that family doesn’t always mean biological.
Sometimes people you aren’t related to
can care and love you so much they
teach you to trust people all over again.

I’ve learned — 29
that no matter how good a friend is,
they’re going to hurt you
every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned — 30
that it isn’t always enough
to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn
to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned — 31
that no matter how bad
your heart is broken
the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned — 32
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned — 33
that sometimes when my friends fight,
I’m forced to choose sides
even when I don’t want to.

I’ve learned — 34
that just because two people argue,
it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other
And just because they don’t argue,
it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned — 35
that sometimes you have to put
the individual ahead of their actions.

I’ve learned — 36
that we don’t have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I’ve learned — 37
that you shouldn’t be so
eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned — 38
that two people can look
at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I’ve learned — 39
that no matter how you try to protect
your children, they will eventually get hurt
and you will hurt in the process.

I’ve learned — 40
that there are many ways of falling
and staying in love.

I’ve learned — 41
that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves
get farther in life.

I’ve learned — 42
that no matter how many friends you have,
if you are their pillar you will feel lonely
and lost at the times you need them most.

I’ve learned — 43
that your life can be changed
in a matter of hours
by people who don’t even know you.

I’ve learned — 44
that even when you think
you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned — 45
that writing, as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.

I’ve learned — 46
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned — 47
that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.

I’ve learned — 48
that although the word “love”
can have many different meanings,
it loses value when overly used.

I’ve learned — 49
that it’s hard to determine
where to draw the line
between being nice and
not hurting people’s feelings
and standing up for what you believe.

I’ve learned — 50
the feet you step on today
may be attached to the hand you’ll be
kissing tomorrow.

And….. I’m still learning.


I’m not sure who wrote this, I can’t remember even where or how I found this. I’m not the author. But it is an excellent piece of thought, I really hope it blesses you– making you see your life through wisdom.

I do know that I have a savior who is within me living His life through me. Today, I will rest in His unfailing love for me.

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“The Church Collects Sinners,” [God’s Hospital]

This following excerpt is from the devotional book, “Living the Message,” by Eugene H. Peterson.  This pastor-professor is probably the person I want to grow up to be like; he has a gentleness and eloquence that is seldom seen–and highly respected.
Author of many books, and his extraordinary translation of the Bible, titled “The Message” which is regarded by many as a masterpiece of the English language. 
Additionally, he has recently focused on the pastor, and on the many issues a pastor might face.  He understands being a servant of the Gospel and the Church. 
I encourage you to read his stuff.  


“When Christian believers gather in churches, everything that can go wrong sooner or later does.  Outsiders, on observing this, conclude there is nothing to this religious business, except perhaps, business…and a distant one at that.  Insiders see it much differently.”
“Just as a hospital gathers the sick under one roof and labels them as such, the Church collects sinners.  Many of the people outside are just as sick as the ones inside, but their illnesses are either undiagnosed or disguised.  It is similar with sinners outside the church.”


 Some other quotes by Eugene Peterson:

  • “All the persons of faith I know are sinners, doubters, uneven performers. We are secure not because we are sure of ourselves but because we trust that God is sure of us.”
  • “When we submit our lives to what we read in scripture, we find that we are not being led to see God in our stories but our stories in God’s. God is the larger context and plot in which our stories find themselves. “
  • “When we sin and mess up our lives, we find that God doesn’t go off and leave us- he enters into our trouble and saves us.”
  • “American religion is conspicuous for its messianically pretentious energy, its embarrassingly banal prose, and its impatiently hustling ambition.”
Some Good Solid Websites:
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Evaluating Jesus Truly, [CS Lewis]


“The Difference Jesus Makes,”  from C.S. Lewis

What are we to make of Jesus Christ? This question…has, in a sense, a frantically comic side. For the real reason is not what are we to make of Christ, but what is He to make of us? The picture of a fly sitting deciding what it is to make of an elephant has comic elements about it. But perhaps the questioner meant what are we to make of Him in the sense of  “How are we to solve the historical problem set us by the recorded sayings and acts of this Man?” This problem is to reconcile two things. On the one hand you have got the almost generally admitted depth and sanity of his moral teaching, which is not very seriously questioned, even by those who are opposed to Christianity….

The other phenomenon is the quite appalling nature of this Man’s theological remarks. You all know what I mean, and I want rather to stress the point that the appalling claim which this Man seems to be making is not merely made at one moment of his career. There is, of course, the one moment which led to His execution. The moment at which the High Priest said to Him, “Who are you?” “I am the Anointed, the Son of the uncreated God, and you shall see Me appearing at the end of all history as the judge of the Universe.”….

On the one side clear, definite moral teaching. On the other, claims which, if not true, are those of a megalomaniac, compared with whom Hitler was the most sane and humble of men. There is no half-way house and there is no parallel in other religions. If you had gone to Buddha and asked him “Are you the son of Brahman?” he would have said, “My son, you are still in the vale of illusion.” If you had gone to Socrates and asked, “Are you Zeus?” he would have laughed at you. If you had gone to Mohammed and asked, “Are you Allah?” He would first have rent his clothes and the cut your head off.  If you had asked Confucius, “Are you heaven?” I think he would have probably replied, “Remarks which are not in accordance with nature are in bad taste.”

The idea of a great moral teacher saying what Christ said is out of the question. In my opinion, the only person who can say that sort of thing is either God or a complete lunatic suffering from that form of delusion which undermines the whole mind of man. If you think you are a poached egg, when you are looking for a piece of toast to suit you, you may be sane, but if you think you are God, there is no chance for you….

Now, as a literary historian, I am perfectly convinced that whatever else the Gospels are they are not legends. I have read a great deal of legend and I am quite clear that they are not the same sort of thing. They are not artistic enough to be legends. From an imaginative point of view they are clumsy, they don’t work up to things properly…

[Take, for example] the strangest story of all, the story of the Resurrection. It is very necessary to get the story clear. I heard a man say, “The importance of the Resurrection is that it gives evidence of survival, evidence that the human personality survives death.” On that view what happened to Christ would be what had always happened to all men, the difference being that in Christ’s case we were privileged to see it happening. This is certainly not what the earliest Christian writers thought. Something perfectly new in the history of the Universe had happened. Christ had defeated death. The door which had always been locked had for the very first time been forced open. This is something quite distinct from mere ghost-survival. I don’t mean that they disbelieved in ghost- survival. On the contrary, they believed in it so firmly that, on more than one occasion, Christ had had to assure them that He was not a ghost. The point is that while believing in survival they yet regarded the Resurrection as something totally different and new. The Resurrection narratives are not a picture of survival after death; they record how a totally new mode of being has arisen in the universe. Something new had appeared in the universe: as new as the first coming of organic life. This Man, after death, does not get divided into “ghost” and “corpse”. A new mode of being has arisen. That is the story. What are we going to make of it?

The things He says are very different from what any other teacher has said. Others say, “This is the truth about the Universe.  This is the way you ought to go,” but He says, “I am the Truth, and the Way, and the Life.” He says, “No man can reach absolute reality, except through Me. Try to retain your own life and you will be inevitably ruined. Give yourself away and you will be saved.” He says, “If you are ashamed of Me, if, when you hear this call, you turn the other way, I also will look the other way when I come again as God without disguise. If anything whatever is keeping you from God and from Me, whatever it is, throw it away. If it is your eye, pull it out. If it is your hand, cut it off. If you put yourself first you will be last. Come to Me everyone who is carrying a heavy load, I will set that right. Your sins, are wiped out, I can do that. I am Re-birth, I am Life. Eat Me, drink Me, I am your food. And finally, do not be afraid, I have overcome the whole Universe.” That is the issue.”

– Asking Them Questions, Third Series, edited by Ronald Selby Wright (OUP, 1050), also reproduced inUndeceptions (Geofffrey Bles, 1971) and God in the Dock, Chapter 9 (Fount, 1979)


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For the Repeat Offenders Who Are Loved, [A Poem Prayer]



Every family has a rascal, someone who breaks the rules

a delinquent of untold frustration and sleepless nights

a repeated offender and bearer of woe

The problem child who needs the most chastening.

Is this why you love me most persistently?

When you correct me, is it because

I’m the one most contrary

Or because you love me so?”


I wrote this thinking about Hebrews 12 and God’s purpose of chastening. I don’t pretend to understand this dynamic; but my childhood was punctuated by so much difficulty. As a father, my two children are now grown and fatherhood has been far easier than my dad had with me.

7 “As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father? 10 For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness. 11 No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.”

Hebrews 12:7, 10-11, NLT

I think we really understand our Heavenly Father when we spend quality time with this part of scripture. We are given insight into His care and into our own issues. It is a good thing He gives us— it enriches our spiritual lives. When He disciplines you, He proves that He is your Father. It’s critical to remember: God’s correction is always for our good.

“Father, I’m so sorry that I grieve you. I promise to behave. Thank you for being a faithful Father to my soul. Amen.”

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