Category: discipleship

Broken Prayers From the Edge

I lock the doors.  Close the curtains.  And let God have it.

I clinch my fists in a maddening rage as my hands tremble violently.  Within moments, my fingers ache from the intense, white-knuckle tightness.  And my forearms cramp up.  The blood rushes to my head.  And my eyes burn and burn and burn from the tears.

I speak, then shout — and scream.

My voice becomes raspy as I rant.  And soon, my throat burns.  My heart is aflame with grief and rage, so much so that my ears can no longer understand the words coming out of my mouth.  Before it’s over, I will blow my nose several times and wipe my eyes often and much.

I am broken — and I am praying.

I start with the loss of my friend, JD, a man taken far, far too soon.  A man who left behind a wife and two children.  I tell God that I do not think it is fair for his children to grow up without a father.  And then, I ask God why He didn’t take me instead, that I want to be with my children, that I don’t have any here for me.

“All I do is suffer and I am sick to death of it!!!”

And then, I rant about all the believers — never the broken — who paint a picture of life with Christ as a portrait of perfection.  Their grandiose testimonies have made me feel like God has something against me, like grace is a joke for people like me because my life has been so hard.  My brokenness is not the result of one trial, nor one tragedy — but a lifetime of unbearable loss.

“And it just keeps happening!!!”

I rattle off the names of those I’ve lost in just the past five years:  Jerry, Britany, Virginia, Rob, Terry, Nancy, Leroy, Art, Kim, Greg, Melody — and now JD.  I tell God that I am the anti-Midas.  Everything King Midas touched turned to gold, but I feel like everything I touch turns to dirt.  I am cursed.  “God has raised His fist against me.”

“How am I supposed to go on?  How?”

And then, in that moment, all of my rage and all of my grief and all that I am burns and burns and burns for The Almighty.  I am a man of faith — and, even in the midst of this monstrous mess my life has become, I know that He could end every ounce of this despair with a simple whisper.  A sign.  A something.  Anything.

“If You would just speak, this madness would end!”

With the last tissue, I tell God that I am convinced He wants me to suffer — alone, in this maddening agony.  I tell Him that I have given up on Him, that I cannot take any of this any more.  That I am broken.  And my heart is dead.  My pain is too great, my anguish too deep.  And that I will never serve God again for as long as I live.

“I can’t do it!  I can’t do it!  I just can’t do it!”

Three days later, God spoke to me through a dream.

“In my dream, I had a vision…”

To learn more, read “Safe in the Mouth of Danger.”

 

Love,

The NorEaster

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Old Prayers That Penetrate Deep

O Lord, Lover of men, who forgivest us our sins; Cleanse us of all that is base or selfish, and make us to be in all things thy servants, and the messengers of thy love. Amen.

Grant, O Lord, that we may meet all difficulties and temptations with a stedfast heart, in the strength of thy indwelling spirit. Amen.

Shield us, O God, from the darkness of soul which seeth thee not, and from the loneliness of heart which heareth not thy voice, and through life and in the valley of the shadow of death, forsake us not; for thy Name‘s sake. Amen.

Deepen and quicken in us, O God, a sense of thy Presence, and make us to know and feel that thou art more ready to teach and to give than we to ask or to learn; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

O most merciful Redeemer, Friend, and Brother.
May I know thee more clearly,
May I love thee more dearly,
May I follow thee more nearly. Amen.

O Saviour of the world, who by thy Cross and precious Blood hast redeemed us; Save us, and help us, we humbly beseech thee, O Lord. Amen.

From the Book of Common Prayer, 1928

http://justus.anglican.org/resources/bcp/1928/S&S_Prayers.htm

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Mannequin Logic

For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive.

1 Corinthians 15:22

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 

Ephesians 2:4-5

When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins.

Colossians 2:13

Mannequins have always have had a odd effect on me– somewhat similar to clowns (which really make me uneasy.)  I also had a small artist’s mannequin–it was flexible and the theory was you could pose it.  And of course there is the story of Pinocchio, a puppet who became a boy (I wonder if he regarded “toothpicks” as his cousins? LOL)

The Bible uses this imagery to explain exactly what happens when we first believe.  His Spirit works on us, or in us, to bring us back to life.  Talking with any sincere Christian and they’ll describe their repentance/conversion using a remarkable metaphor–resurrection of the dead!  Now that is dramatic.

We the “cast-off” mannequins have suddenly come to life.  We understand things from a revolutionary new way.  Jesus has worked and crafted his new children and brought them to life.  The Holy Spirit has done something so radical that it defies any explanation except through the Word.

Life is so very different now.  I see it through new eyes.  I am no longer seeking to be energized by drugs, alcohol or a selfish lifestyle.  The emptiness of that past life no longer disturbs me.

I still have problems.  There are difficult issues of depression and BP that challenge me.  Somedays I can’t get out of bed and life is hopeless.  Meds help me work through this black mood.  I pray and worship and I am lifted up from my dark pit.  Friends who understand are a blessing.

But this wonderfully radical truth of coming to life is by far-and-away the most awesome thing that has ever happened to me.  I was like that mannequin in the mall, vacant and empty.  Not alive.  But Jesus touched me, and now I live.

“It stands to reason, doesn’t it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he’ll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus, bringing you alive to himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life. With his Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ’s!”

Romans 8:11-12, The Message

Mannequin logic can only be understood when the Holy Spirit moves in!

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Chutzpah!

chutz·pah

  http://sp.dictionary.com/dictstatic/d/g/speaker.swf

A word from the Hebrew

1. unmitigated effrontery or impudence; gall. 2. audacity; nerve.  3. shameless audacity; impudence.

****

The essence of “chutzpah” has been described as the man who murders his parents, and then throws himself on the court because he is now an orphan. (At least that is what I have heard.) Chutzpah is most often found when things seem unattainable. It is an intelligent response to things that are ugly and desperate, and yet somehow making them available. And it is typically and completely “out-of-hand.” It seems to step-up when things are bleak, and you make certain things negotiable again.

It’s like healing and deliverance are stored on the top-shelf.  Chutzpah goes and comes back with a ladder.  It simply will not be dissuaded or denied.

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

Hebrews 4:16, ESV

There is the special need for a definite form of chutzpah here. We “get close.” And then we push closer. And we are totally beyond our place and status. But all we can see, is the “mercy and grace.” So because we see such wonders, we audaciously step into His presence.

“So, friends, we can now—without hesitation—walk right up to God, into “the Holy Place.” Jesus has cleared the way by the blood of his sacrifice, acting as our priest before God. The “curtain” into God’s presence is his body. So let’s do it—full of belief, confident that we’re presentable inside and out. Let’s keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word.”

Heb. 10:19-21, MSG

I must admit, my preference is this– I just don’t like people with chutzpah. They seem arrogant, and I distrust arrogance. I don’t like it, and it is hard for me to see it as a virtue. But as I read the Word, I discover that the people of true faith seem very conceited. They swagger in, and will receive all (and more) of what they request (or demand.)

All of there behavior seems smug and superior to a sceptical heart. And yet I must reflect on all those in the Word who were outrageous, who stepped totally out-of-line. Jacob who wrestled. Moses who negotiated. Esther who persuaded. The adulterous woman who anointed. The leper who begged. There are quite a few others, we can find. They all were “cheeky” and dauntless.

What role does “chutzpah” have in our personal walk? Should we step out into this faith that is inherently susceptible to our incredible demands?  It is outrageous that we should demand an entrance into the presence of the Most High. And then when we finally stand in this place, we insist on complete and total forgiveness. Now that, dear friends, is a chutzpah kind of  arrogance!

If we should be “chutzpah-believers” we need to know the promises in the Bible. That alone will be the only place we can stand. Our faith must exclusively be based on what God has proclaimed in the Word. To come forward without a promise is very foolish.

In the Gospels we will find a blind man whose name was Bartimaeus. He steps up and clearly insists on a healing. “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me.” Jesus turns at this act of chutzpah. “What would you have Me do for you?” There is a profound audaciousness in his reply. “Heal me!”

As believers, sometimes we simply take the “humble route.” But if you want God, then you must step up, be bold and take what you need from Him. It seems that our Father insists we enter His presence quite “boldly.”

Over and over, we read of Bible characters who pronounced that boldness was an incredible virtue. But faith at its essence simply will not conform to any other definition. Faith insists that we be audacious and bold, way beyond any logic or reasoning. They might think we are quite outrageous, but we know that we are only being faithful.