Category: personal testimony

Dealing with the Ultimate Fear?

When I was a boy I was terrified of death.  The very thought of being six feet deep in a small box, with maggots, rottenness and decay terrorized me.  I also had an incredible fear that someone would make a

mistake and that I would wake up entombed in a buried coffin.  Just thinking about it now unsettles me.  It was an anxiety that required diversions. Which I suppose led me down the road of escalating drug and alcohol abuse.  It undoubtedly led to much of my psychological issues that I deal with today.

Here is 2 Timothy 1:10, “Which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.  Scripture says that  Jesus has ”abolished death”.  I have learned to love that word, “abolish”!  It means to nullify, eliminate or make obsolete.  This is a decisive and a dramatic word which soothes my fear, and calms my mind.

It’s like he pulled the plug.  Death does not operate for the believer, because he did a disconnect for us.  I used to think my terror was unique to me.  I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone that I had those moments alone when I would be overwhelmed by morbid thoughts of death.  But Jesus destroyed the devil!

“We are people of flesh and blood. That is why Jesus became one of us. He died to destroy the devil, who had power over death. But he also died to rescue all of us who live each day in fear of dying”,  Hebrews 2:14-15 NCV.

 “The fear of death is ingrafted in the common nature of all men, but faith works it out of Christians.“– V. Powell.  When an athlete goes into intense training he/she will develop in their muscles “lactic acid” (or for the geeks out there– 2-hydroxypropanoic acid)  Lactic acid is what causes the soreness and cramps in an overworked muscle.  Trainers will stretch and manipulate the athletes limbs to extract this acid.  Death has infused our souls, faith works it out of us.

Fear of death is nothing to be ashamed of.  Almost all of us have had those disturbing moments that seem irrational.  But it’s not a question of rationality, but of faith.  Do I really believe that Jesus unplugged death for me?  He made the deliberate decision to change the status quo for me.  It wasn’t an afterthought, but a definite act, purposeful and well thought out.

“I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, if anyone observes My teaching [lives in accordance with My message, keeps My word], he will by no means ever see and experience death.“ John 8:51, Amplified.

A tremendous promise for the believer, especially the believer who is anxious about death.  We are free now, free to live life in outrageous freedom! I proclaim Jesus’ promise to you, you are free!

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These are odds and ends that would not fit in this post. I didn’t want to trash them so here you go. <3

“Christian! Death cannot hurt you! Death is your best friend – who is commissioned by Christ to summon you from the world of vanity and woe, and from a body of sin and death – to the blissful regions of glory and immortality, to meet your Lord, and to be forever with him.”   –Wm. Mason

“Death is no more than passing from one room into another. But there’s a difference for me, you know. Because in that other room I shall be able to see.” —Helen Keller

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Just Fling It

A man scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. All by itself the soil produces grain—first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head.”  –Mark 4:26-28, NIV

 

The insurmountable potential of a single seed!  It is scattered without a whole lot of conscious effort, hundreds of seeds in a handful scattered out on the dry ground.  It doesn’t get the dignity of individual effort, but is simply flung out.

I became a Christian believer partly through some indiscriminate seed flinging.  I was being escorted by Temple security in Salt Lake City off the grounds.  It may have been because I was shirtless and smoking, and being hammered as well.  As I was being thrust through the gates, I ran into Christians who were sowing their tracts.  These tracts landed on good soil. And I’m indeed thankful.

We simply do not know about any individual seed that leaves our bag.  We can not predict what is going to happen.  Jesus chose this particular metaphor to emphasize the supernatural nature of spiritual growth,  it grows whether we sleep or stay awake.  We don’t understand how things grow.  A tiny, dry seed comes to life, and grows up to be something amazing.

Dropping seeds; that is it.  We drop without taking responsibility for what may or may not happen next.  We scatter seed without contemplating what will follow.  It may grow, and it may not.  The believers standing in the baking sun outside of the Mormon Temple in SLC were simply sowing seed.  It fell on my heart, and I cannot tell you what happened to that seed.  All I know, is it started to live, and grow and eventually was harvested.

Buy some tracts, Christian books, DVDs, CDs.  Build an interesting website.  Sow seed.  You cannot harvest unless you sow something.  You must be faithful to your part, and God is faithful to do the rest.  Growing things is beyond our comprehension and ability.  I cannot tell you the dynamics or the process of spiritual growth.  Bible college did not have a class for that.  It is imponderable and  mysterious.

Be faithful, and sow.  Fling the seed.  Don’t mind the hot sun, or the thorns or the hungry birds.  Be faithful, and fling it.  Psalm 126:5-6 

 5 Those who sow in tears
       will reap with songs of joy.

 6 He who goes out weeping,
       carrying seed to sow,
       will return with songs of joy,
       carrying sheaves with him.

BrokenBelievers: My Story, Redux

 

Hello!

My name is Bryan Lowe and I guide this blog, BrokenBelievers.com. I’m also a Christian pastor and Bible teacher who struggles with a ripping case of Bipolar Disorder I, and a walloping dose of Hepatitis C  (which I contracted using IV drugs.)

I have a burden for a blog that will concern itself with the challenges of mentally ill Christian believers, as well as key issues such as brokenness and humility. These seem to be critical issues, but are largely ignored and misunderstood by the mainstream church. The following list has all happened in the last five years. My shaky faith has been really challenged by these events.   

  • Death of our daughter, Elizabeth
  • Chemical burns to my lungs due to a workplace accident
  • Diagnosis of Bipolar disorder
  • Brain tumor/surgery ( I now have to walk with a cane)
  • Hepatitis C with encephalopathy issues, chronic nausea
  • Panic Attacks, (loads of fun!)
  • Non-healing sores, a low immune system (yes, I do vitamins)
  • Currently on daily meds–Lithium, Seroquil and Zoloft, (mood-stabilizers, antipsychotics, antidepressants.)

As you can well imagine, ministry became almost impossible, doors quickly closed as word spread. After all, who wants a psychotic pastor? I had several hospitalizations due to Bipolar disorder, esp. when I have had suicidal tendencies/self-harm issues. I have scars on my wrists from very bad times. I suffer from paranoid delusions and hearing voices. For obvious reasons, I resigned as a senior pastor, which was hard because it was the only thing I ever wanted to do. Sometimes, I feel like Job from the Old Testament (and my poor wife, “Joblynn”  has endured as well). I really, really struggled with anger towards God. I still fight with this when life grows dark. So this is what I have had to deal with. From this I want to speak into the darkness, and try to help any who also seek help. I want to be the guy handing out flashlights to the desperate people in the dark. Jesus frees us and leads us to hope. His Word is trustworthy, and his spirit is gentle. 

BrokenBelievers.com is making ministry available to the huge numbers of God-loving Christian Believers who struggle with mental illness.  As Jesus’ disciple, just how much trial am I expected to take, and exactly how do I live?  I would really like it if you had time to go through the web site. There are approximately 130 posts and find something that “rings your bell”. I know that that is a lot, but the list of contents is found in the left column, and a new post is added almost everyday. 

Favorite Thoughts–For now, I offer up some quotes that have personally helped me through the murky darkness. 

  • “God rescues us by breaking us, by shattering our strength and wiping out our resistance.” –A. W. Tozer
  • “I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.”–Mother Teresa
  • “Our life is full of brokenness – broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live with that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God’s faithful presence in our lives.” –Henri Nouwen
  • “The power of the Church is not a parade of flawless people, but of a flawless Christ who embraces our flaws. The Church is not made up of whole people, rather of the broken people who find wholeness in a Christ who was broken for us.”–Mike Yaconelli
  • “I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am.” –John Newton
  • “It’s not about perfection; it’s about our intimacy with God, or our connection, our relationship with God. Once we get through that, once we realize that we can be imperfect, flawed, broken; those kinds of things are the ingredients of spirituality.”–Mike Yaconelli
  • “If the church remains self-righteously aloof from failures, irreligious and immoral people, it cannot enter justified into God’s kingdom. But if it is constantly aware of its guilt and sin, it can live in joyous awareness of forgiveness. The promise has been given to it that anyone who humbles himself will be exalted.”-Brennan Manning

Favorite Authors–My favorite authors are the ones who minister to me in my pain and issues. These books are gold to me, and I scour the web looking for their teachings. I don’t follow men, but I do receive from their ministries.  If you follow any of these writers, you will get a sense of where I am coming from, and what exactly is the scope of this blog.  If your curious, drop me a line and I’ll be happy to share more. 

  • Mike Yaconelli– Messy Spirituality; Dangerous Wonder
  • Eugene Peterson– The Message Bible; A Long Obedience in One Direction; Subversive Christianity
  • Brennan Manning–The Lion and the Lamb; Ragamuffin Gospel; Abba’s Child
  • John Piper– When the Darkness Will Not Lift; Desiring God 
  • Henri Nouwen–The Wounded Healer
  • Anne Lamont– Traveling Mercies : Some Thoughts on Faith.
  • Kay Redfield Jameson– Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament; An Unquiet Mind
  • Georges Bernanos– A Diary of Country Priest
  • AW Tozer, anything– The Pursuit of God
  • Francis Frangipane–The Place of Immunity
  • CS Lewis– Grief Observed; Mere Christianity
  • Dietrich Bonhoeffer– The Cost of Discipleship; Life Together
  • English Standard Version Study Bible–Great version!

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Site Update

Happy Thanksgiving!

Well, some good news.  NetworkedBlogs gives out rankings for the top 50 blogs on a variety of subjects.  I honestly have paid it no mind, because this is not about having good numbers or popularity.  I just want to be faithful.

Broken Believers was positioned #3 in a list of 50 under the topic of Bipolar Disorder and #1o under the subject of Depression.  I look and shake my head in amazement.  I did not imagine this.  I have simply challenged myself to write a good, honest blog that would touch Christians in a sensitive area in their lives.  Sometimes its been difficult, but most of the time it is a joy.

As of today, Tuesday, November 24th at 11:30 AKST we have had 1,387 hits.  We started counting Sept. 1. These are distinct hits and don’t include me as I meander through the site.

I guess we tapped into a real need thats out there.  Yesterday, I went ahead and purchased our new domain name, and moved the site.  We are now at brokenbelievers.com.  (Don’t worry, the old domain name will work for awhile.)

On a personal note; since I left teaching at ABI, and stepped out of being a full-time pastor, I thought I was finished.  All I have ever wanted to do is be a Pastor, and to have that taken away was like having an arm or a leg amputated.  I know I will never be a senior pastor again.  But, I’m ok with that (sorta).

If I can serve you in any way, please email me, or send it through the “post” option where it says “Leave a Comment”.  Thank you for your notes of encouragement, I save every single one of them.  (I delete the negative ones, however, lol)