Category: depression

Dreaming of Forgiveness

This article was originally posted on my blog, Linda Kruschke’s Blog, here. When Pr. Bryan asked me to contribute to Broken Believers, I knew this was one post I wanted to share here.

Important caveat: In this article I am not suggesting that unforgiveness or other unrepentant sin is the root of all depression. There are many causes of severe depression. Sometimes the depression of a person can have multiple causes and exacerbating factors. This is just my story, and I believe I’m not alone in the root of my struggle. I write this for those who, like me, have been hurt and have hung onto the bitterness that such wrongs can cause.

As I write this, I’m sitting in the Portland, Oregon airport waiting to board my flight to Boston with a layover in Houston. It’s 10:47 p.m. and I’ll soon (I hope) be on the red eye, trying to get some sleep. I doubt it will be the kind of deep sleep that leads to dreaming.

For the past couple of days a blog post idea has been flitting around in my head that has to do with dreaming. Or more accurately, it has to do with a specific dream. I decided this was the perfect opportunity to write that post.

This is a true story of a dream I had 13 years ago, but it is as vivid in my memory today as it was the moment I awoke from it. But before I get to the dream, a little background (some of which those who have read much of my blog will already know, some of which I’ve only shared one-on-one with people I know).

I had been struggling with major clinical depression for almost 7 years. There had been some good days, weeks, maybe even a month here and there, during that 7 years. But never any lasting relief. Even before that I had dealt with low grade depression for a long as I could remember. Through it all I blamed one person for all my misery. I’d been blaming him for almost 20 years. I was sure what he had done was the reason for my depression and that there was nothing I could do about it. I had become convinced that I would always be miserable. My regular mantra was that he had ruined my life.

So you might be wondering what he did that was so terrible. I’ve thought a lot about whether I would include that piece of information here. I’ve shared it with friends, but I’ve decided not to do so in my blog. I believe that this post will have a greater impact if I don’t because the principles I learned through this story aren’t dependent on the wrong that was done to me. Just as we don’t know what the thorn was in Paul’s side that he asked the Lord to remove (2 Corinthians 12:7-10), so that his story has a universal message that Jesus’ grace is sufficient for any suffering, I think my story will have more universal appeal if the reader can fill in the blanks with whatever wrong has been done to them.

You might also be wondering if my life really was miserable during this time so as to warrant being depressed. I assure you it was not. I was (and still am) married to a wonderful man who loves me and would do anything for me. We lived in a nice house. I had graduated from law school cum laude and had a pretty good job. My sweet, loveable son was also born during this time. I actually had, as George Bailey would say, “a wonderful life.”

Still, I was in utter despair and medication was not helping. I mentioned in a previous post about my friend June who invited me to my first Bible study, which happened towards the end of my 7 years of major depression. It was while I was attending this Bible study on a weekly basis that I had the dream.

Okay, now to the dream. It started out with me standing at the checkout counter at the grocery story. I paid for my groceries and turned to leave. There he was, on his knees, asking me to forgive him. But I walked away. Suddenly I was at the post office mailing some letters. I finished my business with the postal clerk and turned to leave. There he was again, on his knees, asking me to forgive him. But I walked away. This scenario was repeated at the bank, the library, and several other of the regular places one goes in life.

He was everywhere in my life in this dream, but not trying to ruin it. He was always asking for forgiveness. I awoke from the dream and knew immediately what I needed to do. God had been trying to tell me this very thing in various ways for quite some time, but I hadn’t listened. I couldn’t ignore this clear message of forgiveness.

So that is what I did. It wasn’t easy, and I had to pray for God to help me, but I forgave him. Suddenly a flood of names came to my mind. People who had “trespassed against me” in some way or another over the years; people I was holding a grudge against. All the bitterness I had been holding in my heart came pouring out and I began to cry. I asked God for forgiveness for my failure to forgive for so long.

The effect on my depression was not immediate, but it didn’t take very long compared to how long I had been struggling. Within just a few months I was off antidepressants and have not had to take them since. There are still days, sometimes weeks, when the darkness returns (though not as deeply as it had consumed me for those 7 years). For me, I can usually trace the lurking threat of depression to someone I’m angry with, someone I need to forgive. I’m reminded of the lesson of dreaming of forgiveness.

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Some Simple Facts

•The World Health Organization predicts that by 2020, mental illness will be the second leading cause of disability worldwide, after heart disease.

•Major mental disorders cost the nation at least $193 billion annually in lost earnings alone, according to a new study funded by the National Institutes of Health‘s National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).

•When workers with depression were treated with prescription medicines medical costs declined by $882 per employee per year and absenteeism dropped by 9 days (Health Economics).

•Half of all lifetime cases of mental illness begin by age 14, three-quarters by age 24. Treating cases early could reduce enormous disability, before mental illnesses become more severe.

•One in four adults experiences a diagnosable mental disorder in any given year, including our returning troops. One in ten children has a serious mental or emotional disorder.

•Suicide is the third leading cause of death for America’s youth ages 15-24. More youth and young adults die from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza, and chronic lung disease combined. The vast majority of those who die by suicide have a mental illness-often undiagnosed or untreated.

•Our jails and prisons are now the largest psychiatric wards in the nation, housing well over 350,000 inmates with serious mental illness compared to approximately 70,000 patients with serious mental illness in hospitals.

•One out of every five community hospital stays involves a primary or secondary diagnosis of mental illness.

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Source: NAMI.org

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Mental Health Commercial

This is a 60 second commercial used on TV in New Zealand for a couple of years.  It functioned as a sort of PSA raising awareness.  It features part of a catchy song by Des’Ree, entitled “You Gotta Be.”

It’s a great commercial, and it is a great visual effort to communicate to those who know little about mental illness, and then go on to stigmatize others of us who battle staying sane and whole.

But it certainly isn’t a panacea for all the issues that are out there.  But it is a start. Hope you enjoy this.  I know it is a different kind of post, and it may not be “your cup of tea.”  (I personally have a slight aversion to videos from YouTube, but this is really an exception.)

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Dealing with the Ultimate Fear?

When I was a boy I was terrified of death.  The very thought of being six feet deep in a small box, with maggots, rottenness and decay terrorized me.  I also had an incredible fear that someone would make a

mistake and that I would wake up entombed in a buried coffin.  Just thinking about it now unsettles me.  It was an anxiety that required diversions. Which I suppose led me down the road of escalating drug and alcohol abuse.  It undoubtedly led to much of my psychological issues that I deal with today.

Here is 2 Timothy 1:10, “Which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.  Scripture says that  Jesus has ”abolished death”.  I have learned to love that word, “abolish”!  It means to nullify, eliminate or make obsolete.  This is a decisive and a dramatic word which soothes my fear, and calms my mind.

It’s like he pulled the plug.  Death does not operate for the believer, because he did a disconnect for us.  I used to think my terror was unique to me.  I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone that I had those moments alone when I would be overwhelmed by morbid thoughts of death.  But Jesus destroyed the devil!

“We are people of flesh and blood. That is why Jesus became one of us. He died to destroy the devil, who had power over death. But he also died to rescue all of us who live each day in fear of dying”,  Hebrews 2:14-15 NCV.

 “The fear of death is ingrafted in the common nature of all men, but faith works it out of Christians.“– V. Powell.  When an athlete goes into intense training he/she will develop in their muscles “lactic acid” (or for the geeks out there– 2-hydroxypropanoic acid)  Lactic acid is what causes the soreness and cramps in an overworked muscle.  Trainers will stretch and manipulate the athletes limbs to extract this acid.  Death has infused our souls, faith works it out of us.

Fear of death is nothing to be ashamed of.  Almost all of us have had those disturbing moments that seem irrational.  But it’s not a question of rationality, but of faith.  Do I really believe that Jesus unplugged death for me?  He made the deliberate decision to change the status quo for me.  It wasn’t an afterthought, but a definite act, purposeful and well thought out.

“I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, if anyone observes My teaching [lives in accordance with My message, keeps My word], he will by no means ever see and experience death.“ John 8:51, Amplified.

A tremendous promise for the believer, especially the believer who is anxious about death.  We are free now, free to live life in outrageous freedom! I proclaim Jesus’ promise to you, you are free!

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These are odds and ends that would not fit in this post. I didn’t want to trash them so here you go. <3

“Christian! Death cannot hurt you! Death is your best friend – who is commissioned by Christ to summon you from the world of vanity and woe, and from a body of sin and death – to the blissful regions of glory and immortality, to meet your Lord, and to be forever with him.”   –Wm. Mason

“Death is no more than passing from one room into another. But there’s a difference for me, you know. Because in that other room I shall be able to see.” —Helen Keller

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