Sunday Funnies: G.R.A.C.E.

peanuts-theologyGrace, they say, is God’s Riches At Christ’s Expense. I don’t remember when I first heard that nifty mnemonic acrostic, but I know it’s just a hook to hang some teaching on, and it’s a fine, sturdy hook. But I have studied some more theology since then, and have learned that we can argue about anything, including definitions of grace. So here are some alternative acrostics; something for everybody.

  • For the Truly Reformed: God Rejects And Conversely Elects
  • For dispensationalists: Getting Raptured After Charting Endtimes
  • For pietists: Good Religion = Affective Christian Experiences
  • For Barthians: God-centered Redemption Allows Christocentric Eschatologizing
  • For the Christian existentialist: Genuine, Real, Authentic Christian Existence
  • For the Pelagians and Semi-Pelagians: Go Re-enact All Christ’s Example
  • For fundamentalists: Gotta Really Agressively Confront Ecumaniacs
  • For the Roman Catholics: Gazing Raptly At Consecrated Eucharist (or) Getting Right Archbishop Catholicizes Everything
  • For the Thomists working the Nature-Grace Boundary: God Reaching Across Creation’s Expanse
  • For Dante, especially in his Purgatorio: Getting Rendered Acceptable, Climbing Eagerly
  • For Anglo-Catholics: Getting Ritualistic After Cranmer’s Execution
  • For the Eastern Orthodox: Greek, Russian, Antiochene Cultural Expectations
  • For the other Eastern Orthodox excluded from that list: Giddily Receiving Apophatic Creationless Energies
  • For Open Theists: God Reconsiders, And Cooperates Exquisitely
  • For feminist theologians: Gender Revolution Anticipates Church Evolution
  • For the cessationists: Generally Renouncing All Charismatic Experiences
  • For evidentialist apologists: General Revelation And Convincing Explanations
  • For presuppositional apologists: Gospel Repentance Accomplished, Circularity Ensues
  • For sojourners: Government Redistribution Allows Communal Economics
  • For pentecostals: Glossolalia Received After Conversion Experience
  • For charismatics: Gombala Ramazoody Alleluia Chombalahombala Essanahanashanahana
  • For theonomists: Gospel Requires Absolutely Crushing Enemies
  • For the emergents: Generational Resentment Against Conservative Evangelicals

Sunday Funnies: God Creates New Bird!

THE HEAVENS—In what is being described by advance marketing materials as “the first divine creation in more than 6,000 years,” God Almighty, Our Lord Most High, introduced a brand-new species of bird into existence Monday.

God rolls out a new model
God rolls out a new model

“Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve, prepare thine eyes for the most exciting line of avian wildlife in millennia,” God announced as He released an estimated 14 million first-run models into the important bird markets of North America, Australia, and Eurasia. “This new bird has it all: slicker wings, a more streamlined beak, better-than-ever capacity for beautiful song. Plus, all of the grace and majesty you’ve come to expect from the Eternal Creator of Life Itself.”

“The bird is back,” God continued, His booming voice parting the very heavens. “And baby, it’s never looked better.”

According to the latest specs, etched in two tablets of stone and handed down from atop Mount Sinai, the new bird is anticipated by God to be His finest creation to date. Available in two colors-—male and female—the bird reportedly combines everything God has learned from His previous works into one “new twist on an old favorite.”

In keeping with tradition, the bird has not been given a name by God, who has left it to mankind to name all the animals.

The blueprints used to build the new bird
The blueprints used to build the new bird

“This came out at the perfect time,” said Chet Clem, Chair of Biblical Science at Oral Roberts University. “God hadn’t come out with anything in a long while, and people, quite frankly, were beginning to lose faith in Him. But this bird is totally worth the wait.”

Added Clem, “It’s classic God.”

“Our Heavenly Father has really outdone Himself this time,” ornithologist Dr. Avram Wasserbaum agreed. “Birds don’t tend to be His strong suit—take the buzzard or the dodo, for instance. This latest bird, though, has all of God’s patented design touches: splendor, grace, and an ineffable sense of timelessness. Trust me, once folks get a load of the brilliant plumage, this thing is really going to put God back on top.”

“Plus, birds are hot right now,” he added.

For His part, God has even gone so far as to call the new bird His “masterpiece.”

“I’m telling you, I pulled out all the stops on this one,” He said. “It looks kind of like a hawk, but it’s more compact, and it has a smart, sexy flight pattern that has to be seen to be believed. And if that’s not enough, get this: This bird eats insects, like a bat.”

God’s faith in His newest creation remains so high, in fact, that if it turns out to be as popular as expected, He plans to discontinue one of His less beloved species, such as the pigeon.

Not all, however, are impressed.

“The wingspan is not really doing it for me,” said well-known creation critic Jean Krewson. “And does it always squawk like that? After six millennia, couldn’t God have come up with something a little edgier to breathe life into? I hate to say it, but maybe the One Who Made Man Flesh is losing His touch.”

“It’s no bald eagle, that’s for sure,” he added.

Despite such criticisms, most humans remained united in praise of the new species, which is already surpassing previous records for bird popularity in all major wildlife sectors.

“Get ’em while supplies last,” God said. “Or before they’re hunted to total extinction.”

…………………………………………………………………………

Taken from the Onion at http://www.theonion.com/content/news/god_introduces_new_bird

Sunday Funnies 3

 Humor_1Bumper Stickers

 

– Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse? . . . )

– I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

– Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

– When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

– Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

– Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

– I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

– He’s not dead. He’s electroencephalographically challenged.

– You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will
be misquoted, then used against you.

– Honk if you love peace and quiet.

– Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

– Despite the cost of living, it remains very popular.

– Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

– Diplomacy is saying “nice doggy” until you find a rock.

– A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

– Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

– Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

– On the other hand, you have different fingers.

– Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.

Sunday Funnies

Each Sunday, I intend to post some humor into the blog.  To laugh at ourselves or our illness is both theraputic and healthy.  (I hope no one objects as we poke fun.)  A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.  So here we go…

 

How many Manic Depressives does it take to screw a light bulb ? Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to keep the first one from sticking his finger in the live socket.humorbanana

How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hey! are you following me?!!?

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.

 

~THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF MANIC-DEPRESSION~

1.Thou shalt not blame everything on chemical imbalance.
2.Thou shalt avoid high places and sharp objects when on either
extreme of the mood spectrum.
3.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s shiny trinkets.
4.Thou shalt not trust any shrink who writes thee up a prescription
after the first 15 minutes.
5.Thou shalt not beat up anyone while on a manic fit, no matter how
much ye really want to, or how much they deserve it.
6.Thou shalt not indulge in immorality whenever the urge strikes thee.
7.Thou shalt not break stuff that does not belong to thee.
8.Thou shalt go to bed only when ye feel tired.
9.Thou shalt allow others to occasionally get a word in edgewise.
10.Thou shalt not send people crazy e-mails at odd hours of the night,
and if thou does, then thou shalt take full responsibility for thine actions.

%d bloggers like this: